When E.A.S.Y isn't Easy..

I've been so physically and mentally exhausted I haven't been able to sit at the computer, much less write a post.

I've been observing W for the past few weeks and trying to figure out a sleep schedule for her. Now, I was wracking my brain and getting all worked up about it because sometimes she would follow it and sometimes she wouldn't. It was super frustrating for me and very overwhelming.

I wanted to get her on a schedule partly because EH and I haven't had a moment alone since she was born and I was trying to facilitate some couple time. But I finally realized that trying to force her into a schedule wasn't working and that I felt less stressed when I just followed her lead. EH and I are just gonna have to redefine intimacy for awhile. It's not the greatest solution but It's necessary.

When she's tired she sleeps...surprisingly, following her lead has led to the consistency in my day that I've been craving.

I can pretty much depend on her sleeping at 9 am, 12pm, and 3pm everyday and going to bed for the night by 7:30pm and waking by 7:30am. I'm grateful I didn't try to force something that wasn't working. This proves once again that I need to stay off the internet when it comes to baby care!!

Meanwhile, W has been going through several growth spurts that keep her glued to my boobs. To say that this has been tiring is an understatement.

My anxiety has also been rearing its ugly head, especially around crowds. We had some family members come over recently to visit and they were interrupting our daily schedule and W's nap time with their loudness. It took everything I had not to lose it on them. I was grateful for the visit but not the noise. I could feel my heart racing and my body getting tense. I know it stems from my need to control situations and the fact that I hardly ever leave the house anymore except to take W to the park.

I'm so anxious that something will happen to her or disturb her peace of mind or overstimulate her that I'm hiding out in the house and getting frustrated about being a self-imposed shut-in.

I spend most of my day in my spit-up covered night shirt, feeding W, trying to remember to feed myself and wash up every now and then.

In the quiet moments, I remind myself what a gift she is to us so that I can enjoy her.

So I'm on a quest to find some daily activities for W and I so that she can get some air and I can avoid losing my mind.

How do you find ME time and couple time with an infant??

Where Does the Time Go?

2 weeks after W came home we got prof pics taken...this is one of my faves!

I'm writing this post while wearing Miss W on my chest! It's the only way I can get things done these days.

Things are getting a little better around these parts. I would say we're over the initial bewilderment period of having a baby and we've come out alive from two growth spurts. Sidenote: I really HATE growth spurts. EH and I were sitting around last night and wishing she was 10 years old already. This was after the umpteenth time she projectile vomited her milk.....aye aye aye. My daughter (or is it me??) has not figured out the difference between breast and bottle. She can guzzle breast milk from the breast two or three times an hour but a bottle works differently. So what ends up happening is I feed her the bottle because I think she's hungry...and she's already full...so UP it comes in all its glory!!

I was reminiscing last night about staying up past 10 PM. What a luxury to be able to watch a TV show or snuggle with EH and a glass of wine.....I have to remind myself over and over that this too shall pass...I've finally got the hang of breastfeeding after 7 weeks so I'm celebrating that small victory...YAY!!

We got the all clear to resume "activities" last week...six weeks out from W's birth. Can I say...I ain't really tryin' to resume no activities. By 10 PM I'm pooped out, probably haven't taken a shower that day and am most surely covered in various stains. Not exactly the right environment for romance. I still haven't figured out how to put her down for bed and leave the room... I finally got her to sleep in the co-sleeper last night and not in our bed. I haven't exactly been consistent with having her sleep in her own bed but I'm getting better.

W will be 2 months old at the end of next week! I originally wanted to take a nice picture of W every week but it became clear to me pretty quickly that things were too hectic those first few weeks for that to happen. So, instead I'm doing monthly pictures. Here's the first one:

The idea is to take the shot from above on different receiving blankets or fabric every month with the aim of putting them all together in the family yearbook at the end of the year. This first one wasn't my best shot. I hadn't figured out how to place her so I didn't have the couch in the background. Practice makes perfect!

I'm off to feed W....again....

Miss W is Here: Part II

EH and Miss W hanging out in the hospital

I'm all about the honesty these days so I decided to share the mix of crazy emotions that occurred soon after we bought Miss W home.

A couple of days after we got home from the hospital, I started feeling strange. I knew that my hormones might be out of wack for a few weeks. I read the thick packet on post-partum depression given to me in the hospital with reluctance. Even with my history of depression and anxiety, I didn't think it would happen to me. How could it!? This was going to be the happiest time of our lives. In my mind it wasn't possible to feel anything less than ecstatic after what we'd been though trying to get Miss W here.

But I was wrong. Not only was I wrong...I had no idea about the roller coaster of emotions that would follow. It started innocently enough with just a vague sense of annoyance at EH. I couldn't put my finger on why I was annoyed with him. He  was truly the perfect caretaker, attentive to my needs and the baby's needs and taking care of the house on top of all that. But I was annoyed. I hated the sight of him and I hated how happy and carefree he seemed in contrast to how exhausted and sad I was. My milk hadn't fully come in yet and Miss W refused to nurse on one of my boobs because it was slightly inverted. We had an extreme lack of sleep in the hospital and weren't doing that much better once we got home. I always knew that I loved to sleep; and I would never turn my nose up at a good nap so I simply was not mentally prepared for what a lack of sleep combined with falling hormones could do to my state of mind.

Every time I set up to pump my "bad breast" I would feel the most incredible rage. That's right....rage. I wanted to throw things, scream, cry and I wondered if I really loved my husband. I immediately got on the internet because I knew these feelings were not normal for me. I mean, like any wife, I've been annoyed here and there at an errant sock on the floor or EH forgetting to take the garbage out but I had never questioned whether or not I loved my husband or if I wanted to be married or if I wanted to be a mother.

I mean I would have laughed my ass off after reading this if I wasn't feeling so crummy because of course...OF COURSE...something would happen to mar this experience for me. Luckily for me I never felt feelings of anger or regret toward Miss W...I still loved her like crazy. But I couldn't stand my husband at all for at least the seven or eight times in a day that I would pump or breastfeed. Things came to a head after I asked my husband if he had done something I asked him to do. He took offense and asked me to be nicer to him and I. LOST. IT. 

I was washing my hands in the bathroom at the time and I exploded in the craziest demonstration of rage known to man. I slammed the door repeatedly and told him he wasn't my priority anymore and that he needed to stop telling me to be "happy" and then I spent the next hour holding Miss W and crying uncontrollably. The episode was so bad it scared EH. He said he just wanted me to be happy and it was upsetting to him that I was acting completely opposite of happy. I was stressed and angry all the time and he didn't understand why because he was feeling great. I didn't understand why I didn't feel happy either until I did some research and found that I wasn't alone in my feelings. Turns out a bunch of women have had the same experience.

Turns out it was a mix of my crashing hormones and this condition called dysphoric milk ejection reflex or D-MER, which is described on KellyMom as a condition affecting lactating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoria, or negative emotions, that occur just before milk release and continuing not more than a few minutes.” This is a physiological response (not a psychological response) that appears to be tied to a sudden decrease in the brain chemical dopamine immediately before milk let-down.

We spent the rest of the night after my major mental breakdown talking about how we could be more sensitive to each others' needs. For instance, when he sensed that I was getting angry he could give me a tight hug instead of telling me to be happy and do some research about how to help me. When I sensed that I was feeling icky, I would visualize something relaxing instead of focusing my rage on him. Thankfully, that was the first and only episode of disturbance that I've had but I know it could have been much worse and IS much worse for a lot of women. We also shared the incident with my OB/GYN so that she could evaluate me for post-partum depression. It turns out my PPD is episodic and not an ongoing thing, which I'm thankful for. Everyday it gets a little better and I don't feel batty and rageful when I pump or breastfeed anymore, thank God.

A large part of me believes these shenanigans are some kind of evolutionary bonding system that serves to bond mother and child more securely against all others, including your mate. Ain't that a kick in the head!!??

I learned that I have to take things easier. My type A personality totally glosses over the fact that I had Miss W early and that of course my milk wouldn't have come in properly yet or that having a c-section can further delay that process. I learned that I cannot be perfect in this process. It is simply out of my hands. I simply had to stop thinking I was a bad mom because of my "bad breast" or my half-clean house. And that's where I'm at today. Miss W tried tummy time today for the first time and promptly decided it wasn't for her and fell asleep...that's my girl!

West SIIIDDDEEE!!

Miss W is here!! Part 1

I started this post a week ago and am just getting to continue it now....smh

Hey Everyone! I'm peeking my head out of my hole finally. This first week with Miss W has been equal parts wonderful and equal parts rough. I'm counting this post as a breath of fresh air for me since I've finally gotten a little sleep today. Sleep deprivation is no joke, ya'll. No. Joke. Now, onto the birth story!

EH and I were scheduled for our c-section at 7:30 in the morning on 7/3/14 so we had to wake up basically at the crack of dawn to get to the hospital by 6 AM. On the way to the hospital we were full of excitement for what was to come and totally clueless about what was to come. We knew that it would be a c-section and I had watched enough Baby Story episodes to know what that entailed but the process beforehand included a lot of what I like to call "getting ready to cut" work. We checked into our pre and post recovery room and EH took some pics of me to get the jitters out.

Things moved pretty quickly after that. Nurses came in to introduce themselves. My IV was started with difficulty, of course, because I have some rolling veins in my arm. I got stuck a couple of times with no success and then finally another nurse was able to come in and get it right.

I said goodbye to EH about an hour after that and they wheeled me into the operating room. The walls and the ceiling were decorated with some kind of faux fairytale mural which I found incredibly tacky...LOL. It didn't put me at ease at all. What struck me the most about the room was how small it was and also how small the operating table was. It was basically as wide and as long as a stretcher.

After I got on the table, it was time for the dreaded epidural. I'm happy to say that the idea of it was a lot scarier than the reality. I actually was more terrified after all the needle work was done. After the shot, I lay back and felt tense in my neck and shoulders. It made me so uncomfortable that I started to panic a little. The anesthesiologist kept telling me to calm down and I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. This chick's manner was not soothing at all! Eventually, I took matters into my own hands and started visualizing a nice tropical vacation on the beach. This helped to relax me until EH was allowed in.

I was so relieved when he was finally sitting next to me. The c-section was already in full swing by that time so it seemed that he wasn't there more than five minutes before the doctor told him to look over the shield at our daughter. He stared open-mouthed as she was brought out and placed in the bassinet. I wasn't able to see her fully because I didn't have my glasses on. Everything was a blur until I got them but when I finally saw her, it was an amazing feeling of pride and joy and happiness filtered through the fog of anesthesia. After she got checked out, the baby nurse/doctor brought her over to me and pushed her up right against my face. She was making the cutest mewing sounds like a little kitten and I tried to soothe her as best I could.

6 lbs 4oz, 18 inches!!

Not long after that they whisked her away to the recovery room while the doctors finished me up. I wish I could say that I remembered things shortly after that but everything after me being brought back to the recovery room is sort of a blur. I don't remember paying much attention to Miss W, I was way more concerned about monitoring the feeling coming back into my lower half.

The rest of our stay in the hospital wasn't that bad but it wasn't that great either..lol. We definitely did not get much sleep which made my interactions with EH a lot less civil and patient. EH had to handle almost everything because I wasn't able to walk yet and I hated depending on him for everything because he didn't do things the way I would have done it or as quickly. I tried to distract myself from all those feelings and focused on the fact that he was doing the best he could.

Isn't this the lament of every wife!?

Later that day, it was time for the parade of grandparents. It was nice to see how happy everyone was to welcome Miss W. Our parents took what seemed like a million pictures of her and very little of EH and me. I was looking a hot mess, by the way...straight up Celie in The Color Purple type of hot mess. I'll spare you.

Miss W got a great latch on the day we started breastfeeding but it didn't stay that way. Turns out Miss W is one of those babies that freak out on the breast. Even when she had the nipple in her mouth, and was latched correctly, she would scream bloody murder and shake her head frantically from side to side. And if she did manage to latch on without a fuss, she would fall asleep almost immediately.

Needless to say, I was never sure she was getting enough milk and it caused me a lot of anxiety. Eventually, over two days, she started to lose more weight than they thought she should and we had to supplement with formula. I felt like a complete failure when we started supplementing but I tried to think of all the advice I had gotten from new mothers in the weeks prior and tried to get over it. I told myself that she needed to eat and it didn't matter how she got the food.

After two days of asking, I finally got a breast pump to use in the hospital and was able to give her some breastmilk. It made me feel a lot better but I resented that fact that I had to use a pump at all and envisioned more pumping in my future. I prayed that she would get over her breast freak outs so I could feed her from the breast.

Overall, our experience was a good one at the hospital. Except for a particularly nasty nurse on our last day. This lady saw that EH and I were Black and immediately assumed that a) we were not married and b) we were paying with Medicaid instead of insurance. I literally had to talk EH down from cussing this lady out. When we corrected her and told her that we were indeed married and had insurance her response was "Oh good. Then we don't need a paternity test."  Cue jaw dropping to the floor here! I wanted to roll on the floor with this chick but I didn't want her doing something to Miss W behind my back or stalling with our discharge paperwork so I made myself act right. You can be sure we will be skewering her in the hospital survey though.

We weren't sure we would be able to go home together because of the staff's concerns about her weight. After a visit from the neonatologist on duty, and a promise that we would see the pediatrician as soon as possible, we were finally given the all clear. We packed like our asses were on fire just in case they wanted to change their minds.

On the way home, I sat in the backseat of our car for the first time. The fact that we were driving our daughter home from the hospital still didn't really register with me. EH drove slowly all the way home and I stared at our little bundle wondering what exactly lay ahead...

37 weeks/D-day is Here!!

37 Weeks! This girl wants out!

Folks, tomorrow is the DAY!! We had our amnio yesterday, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and the doc says the fluid looks good so hopefully we are still set to go tomorrow. I'm sitting here waiting for the phone call to confirm.

Meanwhile, Miss W has dropped...and has become increasingly insistent on getting OUT..to the point of butting her head against my youknowwhat repeatedly at night! Well guess what, honey, I want you out more! It has become more difficult to move around in the bed at night and I always need some sort of warming up period whenever I get up to walk after sitting for a while. And my feet have turned into boats..no yachts...so there's that.

I'm happy to report that we have made an awesome dent in the To-Do list! Miss W's nook is finally finished, with the exception of one more row of gold polka dots.

The whole job wasn't as labor intensive but maybe I'm saying that because all I did was pass the dots to EH! In the end it turned out to be really pretty. We placed the maternity pics on an adjoining wall next to the bookcase because EH thought it would be too much placed on the polka dot wall with the baby photo shoot pics and I agreed. We love the initials for some nice color contrast.

Speaking of photo sessions...Miss W's photo session has already been booked! It'll be our first professional photos as a family and we can't wait. We went with Briliana Photography in our area and chose to have a mini session instead of a full..it was cheaper and we figured we'd be taking so many pictures of her ourselves ("around the clock" per EH) we didn't need her to have a full-on portfolio, just a few nice shots and maybe one or two family shots to hang in our living room.

I even got myself together enough to add some photos above the bed!

After a whirlwind trip to Ikea and Target, here's the To-Do List update:

[ ] Get below 40 watt bulb for changing table. We're going to take this one day by day and see how we do with the bulb we have and the night lights we bought.

[ ] Extension cords.  Still pending but can be picked up quickly.
 
[X] Artificial plants for living room window. I saw some really cute artificial plants at Ikea for like $3. I love plants but my black thumb is no joke. I've avoided artificial plants in the past but I know I'll be paying even less attention to real plants when W comes along and our view of a brick wall needs some serious help. Also, I don't want Josh's curiosity to ,literally, kill him. A lot of house plants are toxic to kitties.

[X] Aloe Vera plants for windowsills in bedroom. I do want at least some real plants in the house so I'm gonna start with a couple of small aloe vera plants..also at Ikea. The window needs to be prettied up since we face out onto the garbage area in our building. Aahhhhh...nyc living...

[X] Summer curtains for bedroom. Because it's time!! I've already put up my summer curtains in the living room. I'm probably gonna pair these with some mini blinds because EH hates too much light in the morning.

[X] Carpet runner 3 x  ? for entryway. Our entryway is pretty long so the longer the length the better. I'm only sure that I need the width to be 3'.  I'm really excited about going back to the carpet outlet for this one. We scored so incredibly with our living room rug that we can't not go back and see if lightning strikes twice. 

[X] Clock for bedroom wall. I've been wanting this one for a long time. The only "clocks" in our bedroom right now are our cell phones. It'll be nice to see how insanely late it is without blinding myself with the phone light when I wake up for feedings and changings. Also, I love the soothing sound of a ticking clock.

[X] Gold/white spray paint for frames. This one is overdue. I may do this tomorrow just to get it over with. I've wanted to update my dark frames in the living room and now is the perfect time to do it.
 
[X] Blue/gold/cream throw for poang chair. The green throw that's currently on Poang doesn't go with my color scheme at all. This is a pretty easy and inexpensive fix and requires a trip to TJ Maxx/Home Goods, which is always nice.

[X] Rugs for bedroom. I'd love to get two matching, washable, his/her throw rugs for our bedroom. This also requires a trip to TJ Maxx/Home Goods/IKEA. Yay!

[X] New garbage cans for kitchen. Our current ones don't have covers. 99c store
 
[X] Clean the refrigerator.This is embarrassing but I've only cleaned my fridge once since we moved in. I know that folks will be bringing food by after W's arrival and I need the fridge to look somewhat presentable.
 
[X] Make canvas art for the living room. Also long overdue and requires a trip to Michaels for some paint and canvases. 

[X] Get 8 x 10 frames for wedding pictures that will hang in bedroom. IKEA


[ ] Get mirror to hang above bed in bedroom. Decided to hold off on this one until I find the perfect mirror. IKEA

[ ] Get and install new toilet seat. Home Depot


[ ] Get coat rack for entryway. IKEA


[X] Get 16 x 20 frame for maternity picture collage. Michaels


[X] Get 13 gallon bags for diaper pail. 99c store


So, we made huge progress and I'm done for a while! You may not here from me for a week or so but I may pop in to post some pics at some point in my sleep deprived haze...lol.

36 weeks/The Home Stretch!

36 weeks!! 1 week till D-day!

Folks! We've reached the home stretch and we are soooooooo excited. Last night EH and I made some more progress on Ms. W's nook but we still have a ways to go. First, an update on the nook..

This was our inspiration..

We've got a few of the things in the pic but I had to trade my laundry basket for a cheap 99c store version because I just don't know how I'm gonna get to the city in my condition...I'm just too tired for all that. We'll probably replace the one we have down the line. We have yet to hang the maternity pics and the child of God poster but those are easy fixes. The polka dot wall is scheduled for this weekend..FINALLY!

Here's where we are now...(remind me to stop taking pictures in the evening! It looks sadder than it really is) The polka dots are all cut out and I even put a large dot and a small dot on the wall to see how I like the sizes...I think we're going with the smaller dots so that it makes more of an impact on the wall. I'm thinking of changing out the art on the wall for some new art I recently made for the living room. The initial letters have been painted and need to be hung. The co-sleeper is up! and my bootleg laundry hamper is present.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of the room, the changing area is complete. I added a little convenient basket that holds diapers, coconut oil, diaper cream and wipes. All the clothes in her little drawers have been washed and folded and we have extra diapers people....we're totally on the ball!
I bought a night light for my side of the bed to help with nighttime breastfeeding but EH says it's not bright enough so we'll see how that turns out.

This weekend is our big trip to IKEA and Target to pick up all those last minute house and personal things that we still need. My suitcase for the hospital is almost completely packed, with the exception of some small snacks, a robe and some slippers.

Remaining TO DO's
[ ] Get below 40 watt bulb for changing table. The one we have now is way too bright for 3am changings and feedings. Home Depot

[ ] Extension cords. Home Depot
 
[ ] Artificial plants for living room window. I saw some really cute artificial plants at Ikea for like $3. I love plants but my black thumb is no joke. I've avoided artificial plants in the past but I know I'll be paying even less attention to real plants when W comes along and our view of a brick wall needs some serious help. Also, I don't want Josh's curiosity to ,literally, kill him. A lot of house plants are toxic to kitties.

[ ] Aloe Vera plants for windowsills in bedroom. I do want at least some real plants in the house so I'm gonna start with a couple of small aloe vera plants..also at Ikea. The window needs to be prettied up since we face out onto the garbage area in our building. Aahhhhh...nyc living...

[X] Summer curtains for bedroom. Because it's time!! I've already put up my summer curtains in the living room. I'm probably gonna pair these with some mini blinds because EH hates too much light in the morning.

[ ] Carpet runner 3 x  ? for entryway. Our entryway is pretty long so the longer the length the better. I'm only sure that I need the width to be 3'.  I'm really excited about going back to the carpet outlet for this one. We scored so incredibly with our living room rug that we can't not go back and see if lightning strikes twice. 

[X] Clock for bedroom wall. I've been wanting this one for a long time. The only "clocks" in our bedroom right now are our cell phones. It'll be nice to see how insanely late it is without blinding myself with the phone light when I wake up for feedings and changings. Also, I love the soothing sound of a ticking clock.

[X] Gold/white spray paint for frames. This one is overdue. I may do this tomorrow just to get it over with. I've wanted to update my dark frames in the living room and now is the perfect time to do it.
 
[X] Blue/gold/cream throw for poang chair. The green throw that's currently on Poang doesn't go with my color scheme at all. This is a pretty easy and inexpensive fix and requires a trip to TJ Maxx/Home Goods, which is always nice.

[ ] Rugs for bedroom. I'd love to get two matching, washable, his/her throw rugs for our bedroom. This also requires a trip to TJ Maxx/Home Goods/IKEA. Yay!

[ ] New garbage cans for kitchen. Our current ones don't have covers. 99c store
 
[X] Clean the refrigerator.This is embarrassing but I've only cleaned my fridge once since we moved in. I know that folks will be bringing food by after W's arrival and I need the fridge to look somewhat presentable.
 
[X] Make canvas art for the living room. Also long overdue and requires a trip to Michaels for some paint and canvases. 

[ ] Get 8 x 10 frames for wedding pictures that will hang in bedroom. IKEA


[ ] Get mirror to hang above bed in bedroom. IKEA

[ ] Get and install new toilet seat. Home Depot


[ ] Get coat rack for entryway. IKEA


[ ] Get 16 x 20 frame for maternity picture collage. Michaels


[ ] Get 13 gallon bags for diaper pail. 99c store

I'm excited because after this weekend, we should be able to totally relax and enjoy our last few days of being a twosome!

35 weeks/Lists, Lists and more Lists!

35 weeks; 1 week and change till D-day!

I'm swimming in lists, ya'll! I'm in nesting mode hard but I feel like I'm in quicksand...having all these lists and not really making a dent in them. Most of this comes from just sheer exhaustion....what happened to this burst of nesting energy that's supposed to happen?? I can only do at most two things on my lists a day...and I have at least four lists! I've basically got this weekend and all of next week to get my mess together.

I realize that I've got some neurosis going on here. Most of the things I want to do have nothing to do with the baby. They are purely things that will make me feel better. I know she won't care if the nook is perfect, or if we have plants in the house, or a clean fridge but I can't help myself. I want to be as laid back as possible when I come back from the hospital and the only way to ensure that is to get everything done before I leave.

So far I've got a Hospital Packing List, Things Still Needed for the Baby List and a Getting the Apt Ready List. We're making a trip to Carter's, Target and Babies R Us tomorrow to get some last minute baby things, which were on our registry but were ignored by baby shower guests. This is pretty irritating to me. I ordered some of the things on Amazon, which helps with some of the running around. I didn't get the baby hamper I wanted and I have to keep telling myself that it doesn't matter what we put her dirty clothes in!

Speaking of D-day...we finally have one! July 3rd is the BIG DAY! We're having our amnio on July 1st and then two days later we're going to finally meet our daughter, God willing. We've got the bassinet up but no sheets, we've got lots of clothes but haven't washed them. So, everything is half done and I'm going to have to rely on EH more than I thought I would to get it all done. EH is so laid back that I fear he won't take all of this as seriously as I am. Maybe that's a good thing.

I'm basically crazy and exhausted.