On the Road Again....

Uggggghhhhhhh!

Soooooo, I finally got the call back from the Perinatologist. He basically said, "there's nothing wrong with you" and all the tests came back "normal."  Is it horrible that I don't believe him!!?? I mean I'm happy that all the tests came back normal but I'm more frustrated than ever. Nothing is wrong with me. Absolutely nothing.

FRUSTRATED!

I called SuperDoc's office and am scheduled to go in next week for a preliminary ultrasound to get the whole process going again. I'm going to have SuperDoc go over the results with me. I should be excited but I'm really scared. I don't want to take the pills or the progesterone suppositories or the shots. I don't want to go off on my husband for five days due to Clomid crazies. I don't want to go through yet another two week wait of hell. I don't want my hope to lead to despair.

Boohoo....I wish I could stuff my face with something amazing but unfortunately I have no appetite.

:: fights the air::

Time

The formatting may be a little screwy in this post and I can't seem to fix it. My apologies!

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I'm a recovering people pleaser. 

I started people-pleasing when I was just a girl. I wasn't one of those kids that complained when an adult asked me to do something. I relished it; a) because I was a very lonely child until my siblings came along and b) because pleasing folks gave me a sense of validation and acceptance that was sorely lacking in my home.

When I met EH, some of that tendency was curbed a bit because, ahem, I now had someone to please full-time. EH never really cared for these tendencies and most of the things I would consider as going above and beyond were largely ignored by him. He just wants to sit on the couch and doesn't understand why I would do more than I needed to.

I almost always took the lead in school projects. not because I thought I was the better person for the job but because I didn't trust anyone else and was terrified of placing my success in someone else's hands. Another vestige of a childhood where nothing was certain. 

At our old church, I volunteered to be secretary of the church board, was one of the leaders of our church choir, spearheaded, planned and hosted the church's fall festival fundraiser, planned the head pastor's wedding. Having just graduated from grad school with no job in sight, and none for an as yet undetermined future, I wasn't involved in anything else hence church was my only outlet for validation. Hindsight truly is 20/20 and I realize now that this flurry of activity was how I coped. I fooled myself into thinking that if I was doing something physically, I was mentally and emotionally OK. Nothing was further from the truth.

I was reeling from losing two babies and teaching pre-schoolers in Sunday School; was stressed to the hilt about our mounting medical bills and spending money for church events; feeling increasingly overwhelmed and depressed and smiling all the time. Soon all of these responsibilities began to chafe.

I woke up super early on Sunday mornings to get to choir rehearsal. We lived in a different part of the city so that involved getting out of bed and taking a 20 minute train ride into the city. When I got there, on time, it would just be me and the choir director. No one else bothered to be on time. Later, I would get up to sing, all the while feeling my anger bubbling up at my fellow choir members for not caring enough to rehearse and losing sight of why I was in church in the first place. Losing sight of God.

I attended three hour weekly board meetings hearing about church financial dysfunction and bad management and feeling anxious about the necessary decisions we were making to get the church back on its feet, which included letting people go.

I volunteered to be a part of a group of people who were assisting a church member who hoarded to clean her apartment knowing full well that that was the one clinical issue that I just couldn't handle. I had dealt with this type of issue in the past and knew that, unless serious therapy was undertaken, nothing was likely to change.

Naturally, I would complain to EH about everything I was doing and he would just shrug his shoulders and say, "Well stop doing it."

I would always reply with the worst kind of indignation, "Stop! How can I stop? What are they going to do without me??!"

It sounded so ridiculous to my ears but I continued doing everything for everybody until I was forced to stop in December 2012 when I had my myomectomy. I truly believe that the only reason I stopped was because I physically could not move around for about six weeks. But those six weeks were life-changing.

I was given the rare opportunity to really look at myself and analyze my actions. I was a grown woman but, inside, I was still a scared little girl looking for favor. I really believed that I needed to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect woman.

As much as I tried to make it so, Doing was not Being. Nothing I did could change who I was, what I was feeling or what I was going through. I refused to acknowledge that it was just too much for little 'ol me to handle. I was not the invincible, superwoman I believed myself to be. 

So I pared way back; I stopped doing the choir, I quit the Board, I stopped doing the Sunday school, I stopped raising my little hand to volunteer for things. I went to church three Sundays a month instead of four. Imagine my surprise when the world didn't end. In fact, everything went on just as before. These responsibilities didn't need me. I needed them.

All the time that I was giving away was time that I sorely needed. Time to reconnect with my husband and fortify my marriage, time to get our finances together by cutting down on our social outings, time to reconnect with my spirituality, time to grieve our losses, time to seek help, time to get healthy, time to BREATHE.

I know now that I have to guard my heart against overdoing. I worked with a volunteer organization last week which was refreshing. EH and I are only just now venturing back into somewhat of a social life and we are taking baby steps. We've joined a new church and while I still love to sing I'm not rushing to join the choir. I'm not rushing to teach Sunday School or volunteer for any projects. We've joined a time-limited marriage group just so we can get to know some other people because we've started to desire fellowship again. 

Nothing I do now is something I don't truly want to do. 

Do you suffer from overdoing? What changes would you make/have you made in your life to overcome this?

Into the Woods

The day before our memorial walk, EH and I decided that we should do something fun! So we jumped in the old car and went hiking at the Cranberry Lake Preserve. I'm not really sure when we caught the hiking bug but we've been doing it seriously since our first hiking trip on our honeymoon.

I'm smiling here because I'm going downhill

We hiked in the El Yunque National Forest in Puerto Rico. It was one of those hotel excursion trips, you know the ones in the cute brochures by the check-in desk, where the people at the hotel tell you it's "easy and fun" and then folks sign up for it thinking it'll be "easy and fun."  It totally wasn't easy but it WAS fun and HARD. We hiked down to the rainforest floor and then had to hike all the way back up. By the end of it I was pretty sure I was dead. But after that hike, a fire was lit. I think the endorphins from completing the hike lit the match. So from time to time we like to go hiking to challenge ourselves and enjoy the outdoors.

You see that beatific look on EH's face... He loves hiking! He kept telling me were going to be urban adventurers...

 

We took the blue trail that ran by the lake. I wasn't into their directional signs. They were small and easy to miss. We got turned around a few times. I couldn't even see the number on this tree because it was the same color as the tree!

I was so ready to carve our names in this tree but EH didn't want me "defacing nature."

The good news here is that I'm wearing my lucky number 7 shirt. The bad news is that I wore cut off shorts to go hiking, which is ALWAYS a bad idea. My legs were tore up when I got home.

We finally found the lake!! Yay!!

look at me! I'm so short, I'm standing on a tree..tee hee

This trail was pretty awesome so we'll probably go back and do a harder one. There were some hairy moments when we thought we would never find the nature lodge we started out from but there were also some beautiful sights...

The leaves are turning....end of summer...BOOOOO!!

There was a point in the trail when we had to crawl under a fallen tree. I had to get this shot of EH because he absolutely HATES getting dirty. A great day! Can't wait to go back!

Walk to Remember

 
We started out at about 10 in the morning on Sunday to our first Walk to Remember in Suffern, NY. I looked out our living room window and noted the dreary skies. The air was heavy, clouds brimming with rain. I commented on how fitting it was that we should have such sad weather on today of all days.We laughed and joked around to break the ice, listened to the Giants game on the radio on the way up. Neither one of us knew what to expect but we love car trips. We tried not to think about what we'd experience at the end of the route.

In the car, I scrolled through my twitter feed, reading out headlines that caught my eye. For most of the trip I stared out the window, lost in my thoughts. What if I don't feel anything when I get there? Is this a mistake? Is it going to make me more sad? EH kept asking if I was OK. I kept nodding my head yes and we traveled on.

Our first order of business was getting EH some much needed coffee and getting our memorial balloons. We wrote our nicknames for the babies on them. EH freaked out a little because he didn't know how to tie them up so they wouldn't float away. I tied them to his wrist and he walked around for most of the day with balloons hitting him in the face but he didn't mind.

 The group assembled in the parking lot to gather their balloons, sign a memorial banner and mingle with the other parents. It ended up being a lot more people than what's captured here. I loved the mountains in the background. That black van was playing country music and EH shook his head in disbelief as I sang along to a few songs. I couldn't believe how many people were carrying multiple balloons like us. Most of the parents present lost full term babies who were fine one day and gone the next or a stillbirth. There were also a few women with miscarriages. One thing that I noticed, however, is that they all had children. It gave me hope that maybe one day EH and I would too.

We picked up this memorial bird at the event. It was supposed to be hung on a memorial tree at the event but I didn't want to part with it so we ended up keeping it.We felt so silly writing their nicknames on it but we had no other way of identifying them. EH and I didn't want to know the sex of our babies.We wanted to be surprised so the nicknames helped us by being completely unisex.

We signed this beautiful memorial banner as well. Our little message lists our babies names and "loved and remembered by 'Mommy & Daddy.'"

Pretty soon it started to drizzle and luckily it never moved into a full blown rainstorm while we were there. EH snapped this pic before we started walking. It was about a mile walk to the state hospital where a tent was set up to house all of us for the memorial service. Many shared reflections of their children, their experience and how they were doing today. There were also a few musical selections. A 15-year-old girl wrote and performed a song for a brother she never knew. An older man played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on his trumpet. EH and I felt that it was like having a funeral for all of the babies who weren't with us anymore. For us that was a good thing since we never really got to properly memorialize any of our little ones. We held each others' hands tightly throughout the service, not speaking much. We listened as all the babies names were read aloud, including ours.

Soon it was time for the balloon release. Over 96 families stepped out from under the tent and gathered in a circle while a bagpiper played. Up until this time, EH and I had shed a few solitary tears but neither of us was prepared for the deluge of tears that occurred when we let go of our balloons. The sobs shook me as I watched our balloons go up and up and up into an overcast sky. EH stood next to me rubbing his eyes, furiously wiping away his own tears. And when I lost track of our balloons, I cried even harder. I wasn't ready to let them go.

We stood for a time staring at the sky and saying our silent goodbyes. We knew we'd never forget them but we were ready to face whatever came next. As we got back to the car, EH told me that he felt at peace. I realized that I felt the same. I felt that we'd given our babies a proper memorial,a proper goodbye, a proper acknowledgment that they did indeed exist to us and were loved. One that no doctor, or well-meaning friend or family member could trivialize or take away.

Randomness!

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

1. I went to a thrift store this week to see if I could find a large mirror for our dining room and came up empty handed. I likely won't be back because if I don't find something I like the first time I visit a thrift store, I probably won't go back EVER. :-( That's just how I roll. Maybe I'll try going to Manhattan instead. The BX is wack for popping tags.

Photo: https://twitter.com/kayyyy_p This here would be my baby shower cake...HAHAHAHAHAHAH

2. EH and I went to that baby shower last weekend and we did not die and/or burst into flames. We are beyond happy that it wasn't that bad. We enjoyed seeing all our old friends and even though the whole place was FILLED with babies...I was able to keep it together. Afterward we went to the Palisades Mall, aka SuperMall, and saw the new Ron Howard racing movie, which I enjoyed immensely. I'm hoping I can get EH to go get a racing outfit for sexy time...wink. To top it all off, EH agreed to sushi after the movie! I love sushi...I mean I really love it. I could eat it everyday. I tried to get him to have some actual sushi but I was not successful and he ate a chicken terriyaki meal instead. Is there a food that you love and your husband just refuses to eat and it drives you crazy!?

3. Got my latest thyroid tests back and my level is at a 0.99!! Below 1! Which is awesome in terms of fertility. I am still awaiting the results from those 12 vials of blood I donated last month. I'm getting a little miffed at this doctor's office and will probably go with another perinatologist if we do end up needing specialty care. I've called three times this week and only got to speak with the nurse on the third try, who cheerily told me that the results were in but that the doctor didn't review them yet...what the heck is he waiting for??!

4. EH and I are supposed to be going to a marriage workshop at our church tonight and I'm excited about it. It's hard to get EH to do anything with other people. He doesn't like to feel obligated to do anything so getting him to commit to events with other people is like pulling teeth.

Perinatal Bereavement Program-Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center

5. I was surfing the internets last week, checking on some blogs I like to follow, and came across a post on an event called Walk to Remember. It's a remembrance walk for parents who have lost babies due to early or late term miscarriage or stillbirth. I really wanted to do something like this to honor our little ones, UPS, FedEx and Little P, but I wasn't sure EH would be into it.

Yes, you read that right we did name our first two angels after those popular delivery companies. EH started it because he thought of our angels as special deliveries and then we took to calling them by the names of the actual companies. Little P is the only angel that actually got a normal name.

Sigh....I miss them and I miss those moments of expectant joy that we had.

I was surprised when he looked over my shoulder and said, "That looks good. We should do that." So, this weekend we're off to our very first Walk to Remember in upstate NY. I'm looking forward to meeting with other couples who we, unfortunately, have something in common with.

6. Now I really want some SUSHI....darn it.

 

Faith in a New Season

newevolutiondesigns.com

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.-Hebrews11:1

This week, I found myself thumbing through my wedding album. I was viewing one of those TLC wedding shows at the time and I desperately wanted to relive and connect with how I felt that day. There was so much drama leading up to that day, so many things that, in my mind, should have happened but didn't. But at the end of that very long day I was laying in bed drinking champagne with my husband. It made it all worth it.

I was full of so much hope and faith in our future. I looked at those couples on the show, their hope for a life together shining in their eyes and their smiles and I sighed. I hope you never go through what so many couples go through, the thing that no one talks about in public, the secret shame of infertility.

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Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

I sat through a sermon at our church a few weeks ago called Borrowed Faith. I cried through most of it because I really thought God was talking to me. My faith is as small as that mustard seed. I feel as though I am leaning on a pillow instead of a rock and I am afraid I don't have the strength to hold myself up. I am living on borrowed faith right now, hoping to be healed on borrowed faith. I am going through my third or fourth reading of the Bible these days and am currently in Matthew. I read the words highlighted in red and I am full of hope. I put it down and I despair.

I wish I had the faith of the woman with the issue of blood, especially since I had the issue of blood myself for a few years. I see in her a kindred spirit. She ran after Him seeking her blessing. A blessing she knew he would bestow. I barely have the strength to lift my head some days much less reach for the hem of His garment. I pray in my spirit without words. The words will not come so I sit and hope my spirit can convey them.

I came across this post by Lisha Epperson, who waited 14 years before she was blessed with a child from her womb:

 

It was probably written while she was in the throes of her own struggle but it crystallized exactly how I had been feeling for the past few months or few years... I needed the validation that her words provided. I read it and thought of my lost faith, wondering if I would ever find it again.

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Jesus sees the greater need, not just the need you want addressed-Pastor George

EH and I tried to get out of going to a baby shower that takes place this weekend. It is the shower of our former pastor. EH and I helped to plan her wedding and acted as coordinator and assistant on her special day last year. We all grew close in the process. She was an older woman who had been praying for the Lord to send her a partner for many years and finally, finally, her prayers were answered. She had what I think of as BIG faith. They got pregnant very soon after the wedding and called us, excited about the news. We had just discovered we were pregnant with our third child, the child we thought would be our miracle. A few weeks later, our miracle passed away and we were devastated.

So, needless to say, we weren't really up to being surrounded by their friends and family and former church members AND having to field the inevitable question of when we would be having children. Having to smile, smile, smile. We tried to wiggle our way out of going only to find that they were having not one but two baby showers which we were more than welcome to attend. At that point, EH was trying to think of a way to wiggle out of the second one. I decided against it. I may come to regret it but I was so tired of letting this affliction change us, so tired of lying. So we will go to this shower because maybe God wants us to go; maybe there is a greater need being addressed that we can't see or understand. We have been shielding ourselves for so long. Maybe it's time to put down the armor.

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Develop your faith so it can be seen-Pastor George

I have been hiding my light under a bushel. I have felt inadequate in so many areas and I'm slowly coming out from under the rock I've been under. I've been making family albums on shutterfly.com. I am casting away the idea that we are not complete somehow. We are complete in each other for the moment and I want to celebrate that. Every picture I place is a remembrance of our fortitude, our strength as a family of two. 

I have a heart for service that has been stagnant for too long. This week I'll be participating in my first volunteer opportunity at a nursing home in my area and I am sooooo excited about the possibility of taking my attention away from myself for once. I am working to re-develop my faith in myself and in God. One mustard seed at a time.

Simple Living 101: Part 4-Simplicity in the Kitchen

Firstwefeast.com

Uggggghhhhh....chicken and waffles!!!!

More than anything, EH and I love stuffing our faces. I mean...we LOVE food! Who doesn't? Simplifying the food we eat and how we get our food has been a real challenge for me. I remember admitting in the beginning of this blog journey that being a homemaker doesn't come easy for me. I've been a stay-at-home wife for a little over a year now and I finally had to, reluctantly, take ownership of the role.

EH only knows how to make salmon cakes and some breakfast foods (pancakes, eggs, bacon, etc.). I have a slightly larger repertoire but not by much. I learned how to cook mostly by necessity and trial and error in my teens and got a little better in college (my first attempt at making rice and peas and failing miserably still haunts me). When EH and I started living together, we were mostly vegetarian so I didn't really have to push myself much. It was pretty hard to mess up imitation meat and vegetables!

Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm starting to enjoy making meals. I enjoy it so much that we're eating more than ever and spending more than we ever have on food. Here are some of the ways I've found to cut costs and some of the things we're still working on in this area.

Groceries

There aren't that many options for healthy food in our neighborhood so EH and I decided that we would get our groceries online through the grocery delivery service, Fresh Direct. Initially, like so many other people that we mentioned this to, I balked at the idea. Why in the world would we order food online when we can just go up the block and get it at the supermarket?? Turns out there were a couple of reasons why this was a better choice for us but there are pros and cons.

1. More choice in healthy, organic food. After I had my myomectomy to remove fibroids it became really important to me to eliminate chemicals/antibiotics/pesticides from as much of our food as possible. Ordering online gives us access to the organic foods (produce, dairy, meat, poultry, fruit, etc. ) that aren't present in our neighborhood.

2. Control over the budget. EH and I do our shopping every two weeks with a set budget of $150. We very rarely go over this amount and since it's a fixed amount it forces me to be smart about what we buy. There's something about seeing the total amount add up on the side of the page that keeps me on my best money behavior.

You know how all these healthy living guidelines suggest that you shop in the outer aisle of the supermarket to stay healthy? Well, the same goes for trying to save money. We mostly stay clear of the inner "aisles" which means not many boxed products. Most of our budget goes to buying enough organic/antibiotic free meat, poultry and fish to keep us stocked for two weeks. The rest goes to bags of beans, spaghetti, cans of tomato sauce, rice, milk, cereal, frozen vegetables and dairy.

The disadvantages of this kind of shopping is that we don't really get to take advantage of coupons like other money saving households. There are coupons on the web site but I found that they were usually for products we didn't buy anyway.

Other ways we save

1. Freeze it, baby! By far, the single most wonderful way I've found to save money on my groceries is by making use of my freezer. Because of my freezer I can now buy in bulk like never before. I now purchase two quarts of milk instead of one because I can store one in the freezer and thaw it when needed. At first I was afraid because I thought it wouldn't taste the same but if I take the milk down before the one we're using runs out it gives it ample time to melt. I give it a good shake and it's good to go.

I found this pin on pinterest about freezing everyday foods here and now I freeze things like shredded mozzarella cheese, beans, bread, soups and butter. More recently I discovered freezing avocados and it was life changing! Ok....maybe that's an exaggeration but I love making guacamole for a quick lunch and I would buy way too much only to have them spoil in my fridge. Now I can take advantage of an awesome avocado sale and freeze what I don't use.

2. Eating meat less. I've saved a bunch just by not eating meat/chicken everyday. Black bean burritos are now a staple in our house that we have at least once a week. I'd like to start making more vegetarian options as well, like vegetable pot pies, soups or spinach lasagna, but I'm still working on EH's belief that no meat = not a real dinner.

3. Order an appetizer. Not only are tons of food is wasted in this country everyday but portion sizes have gotten larger and larger. Have you seen what a small drink looks like at a fast food place lately? It's crazy. When EH and I go out for dinner, I'm always amazed at the plate when it comes to the table. Lately, when we do eat out I've been able to order from the appetizer menu and feel totally satisfied. Mostly, this is because my appetite hasn't been what it used to be since I started my PCOS medication but it's a great side effect for me because I tend to overeat.

4. Cook in bulk. Even though I've started to actually use my slow cooker I don't use it nearly enough. Truth is, I forget I have it when it comes time to make a meal. It really is a time saver and allows you to make so much. I've been mostly using my oven to make large pans of lasagna or soups on the stove top. I have a feeling I'll do more of this when children come along.

5. Give yourself a break. As much as we would like to be, humans aren't perfect. Cut yourself some slack if you swing by Mickey D's once a month or end up ordering a pizza, take-out Chinese or that delicious slice of cheesecake every once a while. We try to keep these bad treats to once every two months but if we falter we don't beat ourselves up. We get back on the horse. And you know what? Sometimes, I just really don't feel like cooking a thing and want to go out for chicken and waffles. That's OK too.

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We still have some room to grow in this area. I still think we eat out way too much. Most of that is my doing because I forget to take things down from the freezer to the fridge so that they can thaw and be ready to make the next day.  Our biggest issue in the past was running out of food in the middle of the week because I didn't buy enough food to last us.. (I know... bad wife demerit there). I'm happy to say we haven't had that issue in months.