Things I Want to Eat!!

 

Warning: I am feeling sorry for myself and want to eat the whole world!

We spent over $400 this month trying to get pregnant......FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!

:sigh:

5 intimate encounters with an ultrasound wand (hello....tall, white and handsome)
10 vials of blood for blood work(even on Halloween which was kind of funny)
Way too many intimate encounters with the husband (BTW, coconut oil is an EXCELLENT natural lubricant!)

I'm in the dreaded two week wait...again and I'm feeling blah and bloated. It's strange being here again and not feeling hopeful or happy. Instead I feel depressed and ambivalent. I feel like I've been down this road before; a road that was paved when I started walking it and then became muddy and filled with pot holes that I couldn't avoid.

I happen to be watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives right now, which is a dangerous show for people who love food, and have decided that I will make a list of things I want to stuff my face with:

1. Lobster Roll
2. Steamed or fried clams
3. Grilled cheese sandwich with tomato
4. Fried Egg and pastrami sandwich on rye with swiss cheese
5. Pizza from Pizza Hut...the greasier the better of course!
6. Plantains....yellow and green...fried and salted...all day
7. Steak sandwich on panini bread
8. Buffalo Shrimp (that's fried shrimp with buffalo sauce)
9. Beer, Beer, Beer!!
10. Fried Fish and Potato Salad
11. Fettucine Alfredo

Marriage Tune Up Week 3!

Surprise trip to see the Yankees!

We met with our marriage group this week and it was illuminating as always! This week we read chapter 2 of our book, I Promise: How Five Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage, which focused on Honor.

I won't ruin it in case you decide to read it someday but what stood out to me was taking the mindset that your marriage partner is a "treasure of unfathomable worth" that is "personally autographed by God" and that we can't begin to imagine all of the qualities that our partners have that are made just for us. I can relate. I've always thought it was interesting how alike EH and I are in the ways that matter (morals, worldview, etc.) and how different we are in such complementary ways. He's pessimistic while I'm positive. He's  a free-spirited, go with the flow kind of guy. I like order and details and plans. He's OK with being late. I'd rather be early than on time.

Over the years, we've rubbed off on each other so much that we've started to take on each others' characteristics. He can now recognize the benefit of being early and I can go with the flow from time to time. It seemed that everything I needed to work on was present in him.

Another key lesson was the idea of confirmation bias, which is the idea that people will favor information about their spouse that confirms what they already believe about them. I tend to believe that EH would rather sit on the couch than take care of household things and that he does this because he doesn't care about the upkeep of our home. So, when I have to tell him to take out the trash or help me clean a room, I lash out because it confirms what I already believe about him. How I view the situation definitely affects how I respond.

He finally had to tell me that he didn't think about the house much at all and that if I wanted him to do things with the house I would have to tell him about it. This pissed me off but at least he was honest about his limitations and as a result I can adjust the expectations I have for him. I had to look honestly at this issue. Just because something is important to me doesn't mean it's going to be as important to him. He may not be on top of household things but he's excellent with making me feel special and planning family activities, which is just as important to me.

The group talked about how their spouses have shown or not shown them honor during their relationship/ marriage. I shared that when EH and I moved in together, a year into our relationship, his parents had a sort of intervention with him about our relationship. They weren't sure I was the right person for their son at the time because we were so different. I think it was a combination of me being from a different culture and me taking away their first born son that made me not suitable in their eyes. EH basically told his parents they were gonna have to deal with me because I was the woman he was going to be with, whether they liked me or not. I think once his family realized I wasn't going anywhere they steadily began to accept me and our relationship. This was the first real instance when I felt honored by my husband but it wouldn't be the last.

Another woman in the group shared that she was having trouble relating to and gaining acceptance from her in-laws, who kept comparing her to her partners ex-girlfriend and dishonoring her to her partner and her stepchild. I really felt for her because I know how it feels to want acceptance from someone and not receive it. Her partner's reaction was to get angry at and separate from his family for a while which only made things worse for her. A perfect example of how important honoring your partner is, in private and in public.

We capped off the night with a communication activity. We were both given a piece of printer paper and told to communicate with each other about what to do with the sheet of paper. The aim was to end up with the same iteration of the paper by the end of the task BUT we had to do it with our backs to each other. Now, I have to be honest, I was sure we were gonna mess this up. No, actually, I was sure HE was gonna mess it up. I was full of confidence in myself and confirmation bias!

We took turns giving each other directions on what to do with the paper and lo and behold:

 

We got an exact match!! I was eating crow...internally of course. It felt affirming to be able to do something together successfully and the exercise showed me how I use confirmation bias in my relationship without even realizing it.

When have you used confirmation bias in your relationship and been proven wrong? How does your partner show you honor?

Reverence

Grandma and Grandpa

I've been thinking of my Grandma a lot these days. I don't even really know what brought it on but I find my mind drifting to the time we spent together when I was a little girl. I was walking down the street the other day and I swore I heard her talking to me.

I went to church with Grandma every Sunday starting from the age of nine. I would watch her get dressed to the nines in her peach, white or black skirt suits, pill box hat, wig and sensible heels; smelling vaguely of Vicks vapor rub, Jergens lotion and knock off perfume. That smell was like heaven to me.

We would walk solemnly into her large, mostly Caribbean, Anglican church. She with her shoulders back, head held high. Me ,fidgeting and antsy, dreading the two hour service and having to sit still in the pew. She would say hello to all her old lady friends. So proud to be in the company of her countrymen and women, worshiping the Lord.

When I think of those days I can see the freshly polished wood pews, shining in the glow of the church lights. Smell the sweet, smoky incense that lingered in the air when the altar boys swung the censer ahead of the priest. Hear my Grandma whispering with her eyes closed, "Yes, Lord." and "Thank You Jesus."

And the music! The choir would do that beautiful call and response to the tune of the organ...

Kyrie eleison (Lord, Have Mercy)

Christe eleison (Christ, Have Mercy)

No one could tell me the angels didn't sound exactly like that.

I would look over at my Grandma and she was just so happy. I didn't, couldn't, understand that kind of joy as a child. There was so much stress and drama going on at home for me then that I only ever felt like a normal little girl with my Grandparents. Away from it all.

When the collection came around Grandma would hand me a crinkled dollar bill to put in the plate...always. Inevitably, if I behaved myself, she would produce a sweet candy from her purse. She probably always carried them but it seemed to me at the time that she only ever had them on Sundays. After church we would retire to the rectory for tiny corn beef sandwiches and Kool Aid. Nothing tasted better to me....then or since.

At home in the evenings, I would watch her read her large Bible for what seemed like hours but was probably 15 minutes at most. Then, right before bed, she would place it face up under her pillow as if the words would seep into her brain by osmosis during the night. And maybe they did.

My Grandma has been gone a few years now but what she gave me was so priceless. She taught me about reverence. Reverence for God that I took with me, tucked somewhere in my soul. When a cab struck me at 12, it was God and Grandma that I cried out for. A few months before she died, I went to visit her in her home in Brooklyn. I was 22 years old, finishing up college and looking forward to whatever was next. I hadn't seen her in a while and she was noticeably weaker. My Grandfather had died of a brain aneurysm a few years before and she lived by herself.

She was just about to take a shower when I stopped by unannounced. I offered to help and she waved me off. A few minutes later I heard her calling for help and rushed to the bathroom. She needed me after all and she wasn't happy about it. I was determined to make the experience all business so she wouldn't feel bad. I got to soaping and washing, trying to make small talk.

Soon she was in tears, "Look how I used to wash you and now you're washing me."  I reassured her that I was happy to do it and that I didn't mind. Later, back in my own space, I reflected on the moment and let loose the tears that I held back in her presence. I know the time we spent together that day was a gift from God.

When I discovered God for myself I carried her lessons of faith with me. I'm familiar with that silent place she went to as she sat in the pew. I catch myself whispering, "Yes, Lord" and "Thank You Jesus." I'm pretty sure I'll be placing my Bible face up under my pillow someday soon.

What lessons have your parents/grandparents taught you that still stick with you today?

50 Interesting Things About Me

Here's my list of 50 Interesting Things...I think...maybe...Ha!

This is me in a really big chair...carry on

1. My struggle with infertility has revealed creativity and strength I never knew I possessed and I'm grateful for that gift.

2. I'm intimidated by large glasses of water or too much of a type of food on a plate.

3. I only have one best female friend.

4. I'm very outgoing but very few people know the real me.

5. I suffer from sleep paralysis when I don't get enough sleep or am under extreme stress. My brain is awake and active but I can't move my body or speak.

6. I have a sarcastic sense of humor.

7. I have an eclectic taste in music...I listen to EVERYTHING.

8. I'm a pop culture junkie.

9. Sometimes I walk down the street like I'm in a music video when I'm listening to music. I'm sure it looks very strange.

10. I love books that are a part of a series...Twilight, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, the Hunger Games.

11. In college I worked as a writing tutor and a library clerk.

12. I studied Italian as my language in college.

13. When I was a kid I had dreams of singing and dancing on Broadway. I took voice and dance lessons as a child.

14. I LOVE any movie/show that has dance in it...ballroom dancing, Step Up movies, So You Think You Can Dance. The only one I won't watch is Dancing with the Stars.

15. I took a solo trip to Rome, Florence and Venice when I was 26. I would love to visit Australia, New Zealand and Bali.

16. I've started and abandoned writing a few books and once had a book deal for a young adult novel that fell through. I need to get back on that!

17. I love action/disaster movies and romances.

18. I'm afraid of roller coasters.

19. I don't polish my nails because I hate the look of chipped nails.

20. One of my favorite TV shows is Supernatural.

21. I studied at Spelman College during an exchange program in college. One of the best esteem building experiences I've ever had.

22. I taught myself how to swim on vacation when I was 17.

23. My favorite sports in the summer Olympics are diving and gymnastics. In the winter Olympics, figure skating.

24. I was hit by a car when I was 12 and broke my right arm.

25. I'm seriously nearsighted and have astigmatism. I wear my glasses everyday, all day and wore contacts for the first time during the week of my wedding. I haven't worn contacts since my wedding day.

26. Only my husband knows about my blog.

27. When I met my husband I didn't know anything about where his family was from..the Dominican Republic. I was born in Montego Bay, Jamaica and emigrated when I was 4.

28. I was a Spanish scholar in high school but can barely communicate well in Spanish with my in-laws or my husband.

29. I started jogging/running to combat/control my depression.

30. I love decorating my house but don't have the motivation to follow fashion.

31. I majored in journalism in college and worked as a magazine writer for two years after college before switching to medical advertising and communications.

32. I'm a big believer in self-help and have seen four therapists in my life so far at different points.

33. I like eating more than I like cooking.

34. I love seafood, especially lobster and sushi.

35. I'm a news junkie. I watch CNN and Al Jazeera America all day.

36. I met my husband on MySpace.

37. I don't know how to drive.

38. I have a masters degree in social work.

39. I take the lead in home improvement projects. I love putting furniture together. I think I was a construction foreman in my past life.

40. I have a photographic memory.

41. I have a black thumb. I've never been able to keep a plant alive.

42. I'm only 5 feet tall.

43. I was bullied in middle school.

44. I was my high school valedictorian.

45. I won a borough-wide spelling bee in middle school.

46. I'm a Gemini.

47. I'd like to think that I do things on a whim but I'm really a planner.

48. I have trouble making decisions because I tend to overanalyze things.

49. I'm really, really, really bad at any kind of advanced math and rely on my husband to measure and calculate things. I didn't learn how to read an analog clock until I was 12 and dread playing any game that has to do with money, like Monopoly, which I haven't played since I was a child.

50. I love animals.

Batter Up!

I'm not a big fan of Baseball but I'm a big fan of Robinson Cano! yummers

We drove up to see SuperDoc this morning and we got some good news! Both EH and I had blood work done and I had my ultrasound, which showed no cysts and a good lining! So, ready, set, go.

I've got my Clomid prescription and I start tomorrow. I've already warned EH to look out for me over this next week but I also promised to try to leave the room if I feel like I'm about to lose it. My first experience with Clomid wasn't the greatest. I completely underestimated it because I was feeling fine on the first day but ,as the week went on, I could feel myself about to jump out of my skin with rage and/or cry uncontrollably. And I actually cry when I'm really angry normally...so not a pretty sight. Every woman I've talked to that takes this medication co-signs this so I know this isn't just in my head.

I had a chance to talk with SuperDoc about my test results and she and the specialist both agree that the miscarriages are most likely due to genetic abnormalities, which makes me really sad. We've already decided on IVF the next time around if we're not successful this round. Such a scary prospect. According to the specialist's report, and the stupid influence of PCOS, we've got a 25% chance of losing another baby....but that also means we have a 75% chance of a successful pregnancy...so I'm stepping out on FAITH!! I've been eating well, got my thyroid under control and been running my ass off so I'm hoping all of this gives me a boost.

They both felt that my numbers weren't high enough to suggest that I had a blood clotting disorder but I still asked if I could take low dose aspirin as a precaution and got the go ahead. We'll also be doing progesterone shots instead of suppositories so that the level can be measured in my blood.

Well, folks, we're covering ALL the bases....and hoping we hit a home run.

Marriage Workout!

 

 EH and I attended our second session of the marriage workshop at our church last night and the verdict is:

We love it!

We have at least ten couples in the group. A few who are living together and not married yet, one or two that are newly engaged and the rest are couples who have been married a range of years. All in all a good mix. Our group leaders are a married couple that clearly love and respect and are real with each other, which is so important. They keep the conversation going and really know how to engage everybody. I'm so happy that I strong-armed EH into going. I was surprised by how much he enjoys going.

Our marriage was by no means in trouble but I'm a preemptive kind of gal. I don't think it hurts to get a marriage tune-up every once a while, especially since we're dealing with the trauma of infertility. With all the stress, heartache and financial strain, many couples don't make it. By grace, so far, that hasn't been our reality. This challenge to our marriage has only made us stronger and more determined to enjoy each other.

In this second session, we sat apart and filled out an anonymous, short marriage questionnaire so the leaders could get an idea of what the group will need to touch on. We also had to list a challenge(s) we are facing in our marriage. EH and I debated whether or not to bring up our infertility and then decided not to. We may change our minds as the group goes on but we don't feel like we're in  a place right now where we're ready to share.

I'm struggling with this because I feel like it's a teachable moment for the other couples and  a venue for us to get the support and encouragement we need. But the reality is we don't really know anyone that well, and all of the couples, except one young engaged couple, have children. I've learned that sometimes I have to guard my heart against ignorant comments and empty platitudes when it comes to talking about our struggle. I may change my mind. I listed challenges dealing with finances, sex and housework instead. I'm very curious to know what EH wrote!

The group is reading this book:

 

The first chapter was a little dry but we're crossing our fingers that it gets better. Either way, the chapters have the potential to inspire great conversations.

What have you and your husband done to strengthen your marriage? How did it go? Was it helpful?

A Day In the Life

 

7:15 am: Receive a text message from the pastor of my old church announcing the birth of their baby boy. I am crushed and bitter and angry. The news of the baby's arrival makes me yearn for my lost little ones. I pull the covers over me in bed and try to go back to bed. Too late; I'm awake and it's already shaping up to be one of my "bad" days.

7:30 am: Join EH in the living room as he gets ready for work. Watch television news and offer to make breakfast.

7:45 am: Fed EH scrambled eggs with fried plantains. Marvel at the fact that he gets to go to work. Wonder if I'll ever be able to contribute in the same way ever again. I'm beginning to miss working. He says," So,you got the text I see." I nod. "Did you respond?" he says. I did; right away like peeling off a band-aid. "I was gonna tell you not to. I would've done it for the both of us." I smile.

9:00 am: Eat breakfast. Remember that I forgot to take thyroid medication. :Forehead smack: Take pill. Goodbye kiss from EH and a last admonition "Don't stay in here all day!"

9:30-10:00 am: Sit on the couch and watch CNN, stare into space, figure out what I'm going to do for the day. Take Metformin, Vitamin D, Prenatals.

10:00 am: Decide to paint something for the wall above our bed. I need something, anything to distract me. Call RE's office and schedule preliminary ultrasound before Clomid cycle 2. I am anxious and it makes me short with the receptionist.

10:15 am: Call EH to make sure appt is OK with his schedule. Start painting while listening to CNN.

1:00 pm: Errand to CVS to pick up low dose aspirin, which I'm still contemplating taking, and maxi pads.

1:20 pm: Snack on gluten free crackers. Back to painting.

2:00 pm: Warm up some hot-pocket like food for lunch. Contemplate reading my Bible but don't. I'm angry  at Him today.

2:30 pm: Back to painting. Feel the blissful peace that comes with extreme focus on a task.

3:00 pm: Finish painting and hang above bed. Do a happy dance. Feel accomplished.

3:30 pm: I'm getting sleepy but refuse to take a nap; Nap taking is not allowed. Decide to sign on to Bloglovin and check blogs/twiiter/Facebook. More CNN. Shake my head at the stupidity of elected leaders.

4:00 pm: Contemplate going for a run but this is an off day. Stare into space. Get teary, try not to cry.

4:30 pm: Flip through saved shows on TiVo. Watch America's Next Top Model. Marvel at how easy life can be. Realize I hate this show. Why can't I stop watching this show??

5:00 pm: Should probably start making dinner. Season chicken.

6:00 pm: Read some blogs and discover that it's National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sigh. Maybe that's why I feel so shitty. Cry. Light a candle.

7:00 pm: Start writing blog post while making chicken and rice.

9:00 pm: Eat dinner.

9:27 pm: EH finally comes home. Josh runs to his scratch post and scratches for at least 3 minutes. Realize I might need a scratch post.

9:30 pm: EH and I watch the latest episode of the Duggars. It's one of our favorite shows.

Something about a woman with a crap load of kids just appeals to me, for obvious reasons.