Magical Thinking

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I battle with a desire to write about everything that's happening and keeping it close to my vest because my brain thinks if I'm quiet about it, everything will go well. It's magical thinking at its best folks! I also haven't been feeling that hot. My nausea has gotten a little worse, which I'm really excited about, but no actual tossing of cookies. I'm becoming a little more affected by smells. So...yay!

I decided, on a whim, this past weekend, that we should have a Christmas tree. We haven't had a Christmas tree in about two years because we've just been having some crappy years, emotionally. We had our first ever miscarriage around Christmas and then I had surgery around Christmas time last year. So, Christmas has not been my favorite holiday in a while. But this year I wanted to change that so I convinced EH to get us a tree. It's about my height at 5 ft tall so I already love it. I went to our local 99cent store and bought some gold and cream fixins for it. I'm most proud of my bootleg ribbon bow at the top of the tree. There probably won't be any presents under there because we're not so much into giving presents on Christmas. I just desperately needed something hopeful to look at.

Our Christmas tradition consists of going to church, donating money to a worthy charity--this year it's Team Rubicon, a Disaster Response Organization that's run by U.S. Veterans. We round out the day by seeing a movie double feature and having dinner with the in-laws.

Things are going pretty well in our little world :-) We reached 9 weeks today and had a visit with our new Perinatologist. The office was pretty small and professional. Just the way I like it! We met with the ultrasound tech first. The room was very fancy shmancy and we felt pretty important...lol. We got to see the baby, which I am officially calling Fish, move all around and measurements were taken. Fish's heartbeat was doing pretty well...i think it was up to 175 bpm. Fish got the nickname because of an amazing acrobatic feat performed while we were having the ultrasound done. We were staring at the big screen while the ultrasound tech was pushing on my stomach to get a good picture when, all of a sudden, our little 2cm grape did a sort of back flip to the other side of the uterus in a very annoyed manner. Hence...Fish.

We met with the Perinatologist briefly, who was very soft spoken and seemed to know his stuff. I told him that I wouldn't be stopping my Merformin and got no resistance from him so score for him. Next, we met with the genetic counselor, who they thought we might want to see based on our history of pregnancy loss. It was a pretty good meeting actually. She took an amazingly thorough medical history of both of our families and I learned that my red blood cells are smaller than usual. I've had a history of anemia but I always assumed it was because of my fibroid history. EH and I both got a hemoglobin test done to see what's what there. All in all the visit left us feeling at ease so it was a success. Now, we're just hoping and praying that we make it to 12 weeks! That's the goal for me. EH has already said that he won't celebrate until the baby is in his arms.

In other news, EH finally got the money from a grant he applied for eons ago so we're going to be getting an increase in finances in a little bit. Couldn't have come at a better time because we need to get rid of some debt! We truly, truly have been blessed to live comfortably in such a crappy economic climate, especially on only one income. We developed a snowball chart of all our outstanding debts and are going to be tackling them quickly, God willing. Speaking of EH, this week he surprised me with some early Christmas Ebay gifts! I got two pairs of sneakers, one for summer and one for running, both at about 20 buckaroos. I was very, very happy.

Go Ebay!

I'm feeling very blessed these days and I hope your family feels the same this holiday season!! Merry Christmas, Ya'll!!

Randomness!

Ackee, codfish, bananas and dumpling-Javier Cabral

 
I don't know why I've been so silent lately. There's still a lot of things going on in my brain! So here are some random thoughts that are percolating up there:

1. I've been really tired and haven't had much energy. I don't think I'm sleeping that much because when I do sleep, mercifully, I'm getting up pretty much every hour to pee...whomp, whomp. Sometimes I wake up at 4 in the morning and can't go back to bed but that seems to be normal for me during pregnancies. I've taken to praying for peace and calm before bed because it now takes me forever to fall asleep.

2. I've got a hankering for carbs these days but not "American" carbs like chips, cake, bread, etc., as I like to call them. I want island food! yams and green bananas and dumplings with gobs of butter and salt. My grandfather was a banana farmer back in our country and I literally grew up on green bananas with butter and salt. If you wanna comfort me...that's the way to do it. Yummy!

3. I learned this week that EH has been following an infertility blog called Don't Count Your Eggs Before They Hatch....you could have blown me over with a feather. I can't believe he took it upon himself to do that. He's been nothing but supportive to me throughout this whole process but I guess I was just shocked that he wanted to know more. He's getting to be an infertility expert. He floated the idea of doing a guest post so that he could tell his side of the story and posting it on this blog...that remains to be seen. I asked him what he would write and he said, "This sucks. The End." Ha!

4. I've been dealing with a kind of low grade nausea this past week. It's a weird sensation because I always thought that the definition of morning sickness was tossing your cookies. No such luck. Instead I feel like I'm on the verge of it but I never quite get there. It feels sort of like an air pocket in my chest. It hits at around mid day and then lasts for the rest of the afternoon and evening. It's frustrating but I am so grateful to have the feeling because I've never had it before. I love me some sickness! Gimme some mo'! Yay!

5. I feel very fat but I haven't really gained any weight. shrugs shoulders

6. EH and I made plans to go see Anchorman 2 with some friends from our old church. I'm so excited to go out with another couple. We haven't done that in ages! I used to be a little social butterfly. Now I'm just tired. It's hard to go out with friends and not talk about the thing that is occupying your mind but it's such a downer that it never really comes up.

7. I've been feeling a little distant from EH lately....physically not emotionally. This is peak season for him at work and he's usually doing evening and weekend workshops with folks and gosh darn it I'm jealous! If he doesn't drive, he usually makes it home at around 9:30pm and he's out like a light by midnight. We usually make some time for each other on the weekends but the weather has been so yucky we haven't really been able to do anything outdoors. I hate being cooped up indoors, ergo, winter is not my favorite season. I'm an island girl!! I need sunshine and heat and salt water.

8. EH is determined that I'm going to start using Ebay. He buys most of his clothes from Ebay and recently got himself some pretty nice sneakers. I'm all for reusing instead of buying new so I'm up for it. The only problem is that I'm really uncoordinated when it comes to bidding on things. I get overwhelmed so I'm telling him what I want and letting him handle the bidding. I would love to get a pair of boots but I've got the dreaded wide calves (!!!) and I don't have much of a leg because I'm so short. Regular folks have foot---ankle---leg---calf. I've got foot---ankle--calf. Ha!! Hence, my dilemma.

El Bebe Esta Bien!

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 EH and I went for our confirmatory visit at the Ob/Gyn yesterday and got some good news! Baby is doing well with a good heartbeat and measuring well :-) We're 7 weeks today.

I don't know if our doc was having an off day or what but she didn't have the greatest manner and that rubbed me the wrong way. I could totally be projecting here....but I don't think so. The ultrasound tech was much nicer to us but we were all business. I think they both were a little taken aback by how nonchalant EH and I were when they showed us the baby on the screen. There was nary a peep out of us; we just looked at the screen and nodded our heads. I looked at the baby's heartbeat and silently wished for it to keep beating. We were thisclose to refusing the ultrasound picture altogether but I kept it and haven't really looked at it since our appt.

The doc recommended that we see a Perinatologist so I have to make an appointment for that soon. We're going to our last appt with SuperDoc next week and maybe I'll be in a better head space by then.

Pray for us ya'll; We're suffering from some serious trauma. We honestly don't know how to react to good news anymore. I feel like I just came back from war and I'm trying to reorient myself. Maybe that's why I post it here. I'm hoping that soon I can look back on these posts and feel the joy that I'm supposed to be feeling.

On the way home EH reminded me that I didn't owe anybody anything in regards to my feelings and I'm hanging onto that. Part of the reason why I love this blog so much is that I get to be my true self, warts and all. It's hard to be where I'm at mentally. I still find myself absently cradling my stomach when I'm laying in bed at night so there must be a part of me that is identifying with this pregnancy in a hopeful way.

In other news, I would like some crab legs or lobster....

Giving Thanks

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EH and I really aren't that into holidays. I was actually appalled that stores were opening on Thanksgiving so that folks could shop instead of spend quality time with their families. Thanksgiving is a sacred time for me. We never really celebrated it when I was growing up. Either my mother was working or we were too far away (i.e. too lazy) to visit extended family. I only really got into the holiday when I got married.

Usually we hustle on over to my in-laws house, sit around for a couple of hours watching football and the Godfather marathon and then stuff our faces. This year I was overcome with the desire to be with some of my family as well. So on Thanksgiving day I made a couple of pumpkin pies and we drove to Brooklyn to spend a little time with my brother and my dad.

I had never seen my dad's place until that day. We talk about once a month. He's been there for the most important days of my life....graduations, my wedding, my surgery....but our relationship is still a bit tenuous. We are clumsy with our affection and he's not exactly a talkative type so it's kind of a "take it where you can get it" kind of thing. His apartment was what you'd expect for a 50-something year old bachelor....sparse. Apparently he's into juicing so as soon as we stepped foot over the threshold he made all of us a fresh juice...in his juicer. We were all very, very impressed. It was delicious. He shows his love by juicing. That's cool.

We talked mostly about my brother, his job and his skinny jeans. He's 25-years old now; living with three roommates in a basement apartment in Astoria.  He's got a serious girlfriend and he peppers his Instagram account with pictures of he and his friends living the high life.

Ahhhhh....to be young and unbeaten by the world....

I probably sound totally cynical but I'm really proud of him. He was able to rise above the dysfunction of our immediate family. That is true success in my book.

My dad and my brother intended to drop in at another family event that night but EH and I needed to get on the road so we could get to my in-laws house for dinner. My brother reported that I didn't miss much so I don't feel too badly about missing that crowd.

Thanksgiving itself was, dare I say it, just aight. I didn't really enjoy the food this year because my stomach was doing flip flops. I've never thrown up while pregnant but I do have an all day kind of queasiness.

Saturday afternoon we met up with my brother in Astoria and went to see the Hunger Games movie, which was pretty cool. Our relationship has evolved so much over the years. I view him more as my brother and less like my child. I'm proud of myself that I've been able to make that shift. It's hard to look at him and not see a panorama of his young life flash before my eyes.

My youngest brother is 14 now and living with my mom. It's hard to get in touch with him and I found out this past weekend that he's being given ADHD medication by a psychiatrist. Even I know that's the last thing he needs, he's practically comatose already, and the medication has made him violent. I don't know what to do with that. EH and I are trying to figure out a way to get more involved in his life. He's been out of the country since he was about five years old and hardly knows me and that makes me sad.

EH and I vowed we were going to enjoy our holiday no matter what. We also vowed not to talk about the baby possibly residing in my uterus but that didn't work out so well. We couldn't seem to stop talking about it but our conversations were mostly about what we were going to do after.... Now we don't know for certain that we'll have a miscarriage but the waiting to find out whether it's leaving or staying is torturous. So, instead we make plans for after.

While sitting in the couch we discuss how we're going to take a break...after

On the way to the store we talk about starting IVF in the new year....after

Laying in bed we talk about looking into adoption....after

It's really pretty maddening. I sleep and get queasy and  develop weird rashes in odd places and completely ignore these sensations. My only refuge is Sunday mornings when we're in church and I can set my mind on someone else. I pour all my hope into my worship. I don't even want to think about the possibility of a baby. I'm sad about this too but it's my reality, our reality, right now.

We've got a lot to be thankful for around these parts, though. We've got a pretty good marriage. The bills get paid somehow. We have moments of true joy. We've got a roof over our heads and good income coming in. We know we're blessed in a lot of areas. Tomorrow we see our Ob/Gyn to see if something good and wonderful, or the opposite, is happening in there. I'm looking forward to it because at least I'll know for sure one way or the other.

Great Expectations

  

Sooooo... I was expecting to write a very different post today. Our week started out a little rough with my first beta HCG level. It was higher than SuperDoc expected it to be at 1544, so that was good news. Then I went in again on Wednesday and the level came back at 2068, which is barely doubled, so that was not so much good news. I spent the day in rivers of tears, already mourning the life I thought I was losing.

EH decided to stay home with me on Thursday. We spent the day watching movies and stuffing our faces. Then he had the bright idea that we should go out and get some air. I revolted. I wanted to stay on the couch in my pre-grief state. He eventually got me to go out by allowing me to wear my sweats and my night shirt under my jacket. We finally get to Staples, to buy an ink cartridge for our printer, and I literally could not get out of the car. I felt like I shouldn't be outside and my body agreed with me. He opened the car door for me and I started wailing like a child throwing a major tantrum. Screaming my apologies for my behavior and telling him I just wanted it out! He finally got back in the car after a few minutes and we sat in there in the Staples parking lot while I wailed. Eventually we made it to Staples.

We got an email from SuperDoc that asked us to come in this morning so that she could make sure everything was OK and that we weren't having an ectopic pregnancy. When we got home from the Staples Meltdown I fell into a blissful sleep and woke up with a more positive outlook. We decided that if we lost this baby we would take a few months off and start IVF next year, which is amazing in itself, because we balked at the price and really believed we'd never be able to swing it. Now EH is talking about payment plans and wanting to know everything about IVF land.

It's hard to let a dream go, I guess.

That night, I went to bed early and I whispered, "Help" in the dark. I asked God to help me deal with the next day, whatever the outcome.

Today, I gave blood and then EH and I sat in the exam room in silence. We were both anxious to know what the deal was with this pregnancy. He told me his new motto is: "There's no use being positive." I told him that was pretty sad even for him but I recognize that that's how he protects himself.

So we saw the sac sitting there in my uterus, it's too early to see anything else at this point. We were relieved but we knew the true number that mattered was the HCG number. EH dropped me home. I made about 10 trips to the bathroom to pee which signaled to me that my symptoms were getting stronger. Between trips I was passed out asleep on the couch. Finally SuperDoc's office called and told us the number had doubled. It went up by about 5000 points to 7146.

HCG numbers are tricky things. They're subjective but what they signify is HUGE. A decreasing HCG almost always means trouble. A number that isn't increasing as it should is more ambiguous. But we've been here before.

We don't know where it's going to go from here but Faith, Faith, Faith....

DC Baby

Saturday morning at the Capitol.....my feet were toast at this point

We went on our second road trip in our car, Mr. Belvedere, this past weekend! We rolled into DC on Friday afternoon and left on Sunday morning and man was that trip needed. EH was feeling a little burned out on the job and I just love traveling so you know I was down to go.

We got turned around a bunch once we entered DC. We couldn't navigate Dupont Circle AT ALL...Kudos to folks who live in that area because it just seemed confusing to me. Our hotel was in nearby Virgina so we parked the car and hopped on the train to go see a few monuments at night.

Then we stopped by the famous Ben's Chili Bowl, I don't remember exactly what part of DC this was in, and it was bangin'. We both had chili dogs and shared a large vat of chili cheese fries...I was in love!!

The next day we hit up the Air & Space Museum where we geeked out royally...we even did flight simulators...it was geekdom personified...

 

I definitely don't meet the height or weight requirements for the stewardess job...lol

We had such a great time getting away from it all for a few days. To cap it all off we found out that we are PREGNANT again! We're cautiously optimistic as usual. It's weird because we sort of feel like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop so we really haven't gotten too excited  :-(

Trying to keep my FAITH intact and think somewhat positive thoughts...

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A few weeks ago I got a text message from my little brother asking me if I wanted to attend my mother's birthday party. Instinctively, I wanted to say no. Why would I go to a party for someone I haven't seen or spoken to in three years?? It didn't make sense on to me on the surface.

We had been watching the Iyanla marathon on OWN that day and the episode where Iyanla helps the two daughters heal their relationship with their mom tore me up inside. I was crying like crazy watching this episode because it hit so close to home. I never went hungry, like the daughters in the episode, but I did suffer emotional neglect and mental abuse from my mother for many years. It fueled my issues with self-esteem, anxiety and self-image. I'm still healing from all of it with God's grace.

EH and I have been growing by leaps and bounds in our faith so, instead of saying no, I decided to leave room for God to work. Every Sunday I had been silently asking God to work in this area during worship. It was never my ideal to not be in relationship with her but I also knew there was a real need to protect my own heart because being in relationship with my mother is not easy.

There is so much baggage between us; manipulation, deception, anger, bitterness, alcoholism and mental illness. There is so much that she's missed. So much that she never cared about when it came to my life.

When I told EH about the invitation he made it clear he was against it but he was willing to go for my sake. There's a part of me that, no matter what she's done, feels like I need to give it all I have in case this is God's way of bringing healing to the relationship. I can't decide if this is God working in my spirit or me reverting to that scared, people-pleasing person I struggle to let go of.

My stomach was in knots and my heart was racing as we walked to the lounge where the party was being held. The same way I used to feel when we lived under the same roof; anxious and scared, never knowing which "mother personality" I would get. When I arrived and saw her I knew absolutely nothing had changed. She was turning 49 but was dressed like someone at least 20 years younger and she was already intoxicated. She came over to EH and I exclaiming about what a surprise it was to see us even though she had invited us.  I can't even put into words how disappointed I was. I surely wasn't expecting to rehash old wounds at a birthday party but I was expecting her to be genuine and respectful of the fact that we hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years.

To add insult to injury, I felt forced to nod and smile as her work friends came up to me to tell me how much they felt like they knew me because "your mother talks about you all the time," "she brags about you all the time. She's so proud of you!"

I was shocked and taken aback. It was then that I realized that my mother had created an imaginary world for herself where we had the perfect relationship and were regularly in contact. None of these people knew that she would regularly get drunk and text me violent messages or that we hadn't seen each other in three years. In fact the last message I received from her was a drunken, screaming, incoherent tirade where she called me names that are too awful to write here.

I felt a burning anger building in me because nothing had changed. A few minutes later she sat down with EH and I and directed her attention mainly to him. She only ever met my gaze briefly. I'd like to think it was because she felt ashamed of her behavior and couldn't face me. I looked at her surrounded by people who didn't really know who she was, who were using her and probably didn't care about her and I felt sympathy. They were attracted to the persona she had created for herself and I wondered if she even knew who she was apart from their gaze. She didn't know how to fix our relationship because, in her mind, we were fine.

Eventually, EH had had enough and told me he was ready to go. It wasn't our scene and nothing constructive was coming out of being there because she barely paid attention to us. We gathered our belongings and left. I felt a peace come over me then. She wasn't ready to deal honestly with our relationship and she might never be. I felt blessed and grateful. I may not have many people in my life but the ones that I do let in know who I am and they accept me as I am. I don't have to build imaginary worlds for myself to cover my brokenness. I freely admit my brokenness to anyone who'll listen and I seek healing and restoration regularly.

I got a message from my mother this morning thanking us for coming to her party. I responded with "you're welcome" and left it there. I may never know the fears that drive her to be the way she is. There's so much of my life that she's already missed and probably more that she'll miss in the future. I'm learning to accept that, no matter how hard I try, she may never heal from the demons that consume her. I'm praying for God to continue working on both our hearts, minds and spirits.