Friday, August 30, 2013

Fun at the Geat New York State Fair

 EH and I were SO EXCITED for our first trip to the NY State Fair that we could hardly sleep the night before. EH went to college at the University of Albany so he was already familiar with the area but I had never been.  We saw the advertisement for the Fair by chance and decided that we would make it a point to go at all costs because why not??

We set up the Pandora and listened to some awesome tunes all the way up. Somewhere over the Palisades at an elevation of about 3000 ft we drove into some beautiful low clouds. I can't drive at all (hope to change that this Fall!) but there's nothing that makes me happier than a long stretch of highway. At times I felt like we were the only people in the world.

Once we got there, we made a beeline for food. I ditched the Metformin for the day so I could actually enjoy my gluttony but I ended up not eating as much as I thought I would. EH and I shared this fried dough but it was a little too greasy for me. I wouldn't mind eating it again though.

Later on, we each had an ear of roasted corn dipped in butter and covered in parmesan cheese!! ARRRRRGGHHHHH! It was so good. EH devoured most of his before I got him to take a picture. It took me about 15 minutes to finish mine.

Then we were off to see the animals. I'm a serious animal lover and I just melted with love for them. This Llama and I are having a serious conversation about world affairs....doesn't he look totally interested?? I think he's giving me some serious side-eye.

This picture doesn't show it as well as I'd like but this is a MONSTER horse...It was taller than EH and about 6ft long. It was hay time so it wasn't paying us much attention. It reminded us how powerful God's creatures are. I rode a horse briefly in Elementary school but this is one horse no one should ride.

We were happy to come across this teenage girl and her horse. We talked about the horses mane which she braided by hand. This guy must be pretty tame because I can't imagine that was an easy task.

We checked in with the equestrians for a bit and saw a few competitions. It was like a mind massage. Who knew being in an arena full of dirt and sand could be so relaxing?

 These goats are two cute for words. I think the brown one is giving me a smile...

This ram is getting a nice grooming. Right after this picture was taken he vocalized and it sounded like a full grown man...EH and I both jumped back about a foot. We were sure he was gonna get down off the platform and ram us.

We walked so much at this fair....I would say at least 3 miles. I was surprised by the sheer size of the fairgrounds. We would have had to stay a full weekend to see it all. When we came to this Amish built cabin, it was a welcome rest for our feet.

I loved this sheep's locs! She's baaaad and she knows it....see what I did there?? Ha!

So, we decided that a trip to the fair is going to be an annual thing for us. We were so sad that we had to leave by 4pm to get back on the road home. Next time we're gonna do it right and stay in a cheap motel for the weekend. I felt such joy on this day. It felt great to see and pet the animals and eat horrible food without a care in the world.

Summer is unofficially, or officially depending on who you ask, at an end and I wish I had done more but I'm grateful for the fun times we had. I'm still hoping for the beach on Monday!!

Monday, August 26, 2013


This is definitely one of my favorite songs. Especially on the days that I don't want to get out of bed. Without fail this song plays every time I'm out on a run and I imagine God giving me a head nod like: "I gotchu!"

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Friday, August 23, 2013

Turning the Corner??


I haven't written in a bit. I usually write my Arts posts a few weeks ahead just to give myself a cushion for when I don't feel like writing. So I published a fun post on watercolors on a day that I wasn't feeling particularly together. Our support group therapist told us at our last session that grief can sometimes be cyclical and that's what I'm experiencing now. I have days when I am wildly productive and days when I'm just not.

Some of this slacking has come from not feeling well. I feel like I've been fighting some minor illness, possibly allergies, for the past few weeks. It could also be the fact that my thyroid is acting up again. I got a script to get my thyroid levels checked on our last visit with SuperDoc but I put off getting it done for almost a week.

I do that sometimes; Procrastinate when I don't want to deal with something that could be hard.

So, I finally dragged myself out of the house to get my blood work done and surprise, surprise, my thyroid levels have risen to 2.9 from the 1.0 they were at when we were TTC'ing for Little P. It's not particularly high but it's too high for TTC'ing and explains why I've been feeling like a wet rag for the past few weeks. I fell asleep at 10pm one night and EH had to put me to bed because I was so completely out of it. I've been getting up at odd hours or getting up late.

I was really upset about the news. My mind started going, thinking about whether or not it was out of wack during the pregnancy and if my thyroid is what caused our loss. And then suddenly, that train of thought led to Well, it's my fault Little P died. I wasn't checking my thyroid level like I was supposed to. Why didn't my RE tell me I had to get that checked? Why didn't they check it at Ob/Gyn Inc? I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body. An endless loop in my head until, mercifully, I'm able to quiet myself and turn it off.

The other day I sat and listened to music and cried for half an hour. It felt good but it was startling because I thought I had no tears left. Turns out I do. I cried about my lost motivation. I was never a particularly ambitious person but at least I was motivated. I cried because EH and I have appointments with a perinatologist, an Ob/Gyn and an endocrinologist in the coming weeks. I cried about the time I've lost to the pursuit of family and the unknown amount of time ahead. I cried because this is not where I saw myself at this stage of my life.

The saying, we make plans and God laughs, is making so much sense to me now.


I finally got the strength up to start running again this week. I picked up where I left off, running 10 minutes straight and today I ran 25 minutes straight, no walking interval. I can't tell you how triumphant I felt. It seems like such a small victory but I'm all about the small victories these days. The victory of getting out of bed; the victory of making a meal; the victory of feeling genuinely happy. I ran around the park feeling all the emotional pain of the past few weeks melt away, replaced by the ache in my waist, my calves, my lungs. I had control over my body, and not the other way around. I was teaching my traitor hormones and broken uterus who was boss. In the distance I saw a father with his two sons playing along the path and I sent love and light instead of bitterness and anxiety their way. A glimpse of the person I used to be? Maybe I was winning.


I've started to work on my licensing exam again. I finally completed the application and now have the money for the fee so I'll probably be sending that off next week. This is a victory. Infertility has a nasty way of making me think that if I'm not capable of making a baby, I'm not capable of doing anything else. I took advantage of a good day and went through all the steps to make it happen. I want to feel accomplished again. I also looked into beginning a Spanish course because why not? I was a Spanish scholar back in the day but I still can't understand my in-laws! It can only help me in the field I'm in and my mother-in-law will be thrilled.


EH completed his first semester today and I'm so proud of him. I don't know where he finds the energy but he's a bit of a geek so higher education is right up his alley. I toyed with the idea of getting a doctorate myself...but then I thought...nah. 

I turned to him in the car yesterday and asked, "Am I supposed to still be feeling this way?" and he responded, "You can feel however you need to feel for however long you like." That's why I love that dude. 

We're driving up to Syracuse tomorrow for the New York State Fair. We're getting ready for a day of livestock (horses, lambs and little piggies, oh my!!), games, crafts and gluttony. EH has been walking around the apartment singing a little jingle he made up about our trip. I haven't seen him this excited since Little P. 

I have to admit his excitement is rubbing off on me.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Fun with Watercolors

I went to Michaels again, that den of sin and crafts. No matter how hard I try, that place calls my damn name.

I'm on the kick of loving myself these days. Trying to build myself back up after our most recent loss, and all the other ones. Today, inspired by my previous post, I woke up determined to have a date with myself. I'm not gonna lie, it was hard getting out of the bed. It's hard getting out of the bed most mornings and this morning was no different. The metformin is also making me feel more nauseous this time around so I pretty much feel like crap a lot of the time :-(

I did that positive self-talk crap and pretended like I was getting ready to jump in the rope during double dutch...

 ...and finally...SUCCESS!

I hope none of my future clients find this blog. I promise you, I'm a professional!

I found myself on Columbus Avenue in Michaels and noticed right away that they rearranged the store. I was not pleased because I just mastered the layout! So now I was totally confused and wandering aimlessly around the store.
I've been stalking watercolor painting for the past few days. I thought it was a simple enough medium because you can't really go wrong with paint and water. In the end I escaped Michaels with a watercolor notebook, a pack of brushes, paints and a paint holder, all under 20 buckaroos!! I was very proud of myself. Be sure to listen to some kick ass music while doing this project. It just won't work any other way.

Here we go:

This photo was my inspiration. I've never really drawn anything before except during an art class in high school. I'm old as hell now so none of that knowledge is readily available. I figured it couldn't be that hard. It's basically circles in a bowl. You could also just get some tracing paper and trace it out.

So, I drew a light, rough sketch on computer paper, instead of on the actual watercolor paper. I wanted to save my paper in case the drawing was a hot mess. Of course, I ignored completely the invention of the eraser. I taped my computer sketch to my watercolor paper just so I could keep it in the notebook. Sometimes, my overachiever tendencies get the better of me.

I kept a cup of water to clean my brush between colors, my palette plate, paper towel and paints nearby.

I decided to make a bowl of lemons and limes. So I chose yellow, blue and white and squeezed a little bit of each onto my palette. I also added a little yellow ochre with white to make beige for the bowl.

I had a little spot of yellow by itself, yellow and blue to make green (which I had to look up on the internet!) and a smidge of white and yellow ochre to make beige.

Starting with the bowl, I dipped my brush in my water jar and dripped about two drops into my yellow ochre and white until it was in liquid form (Is it just me or is it getting hot in here!?)

Start filling in the outline of the bowl with your beige color (or any other color you want). I don't know where that red smidge came from but it became the background color because it was there.


Here's a closer look at the bowl and my tiny, childlike fingers.

Before you know it, the bowl is done and we can move on to the lemons and limes. The great thing about watercolors is their fast drying time. By the time I finished painting the bowl it was dry. Yay!

I washed off my brush in water, just shake it around in the water a few times. Dip your brush in the yellow paint and paint some lemons. I decided to go with four lemons and three limes.

Clean your brush, mix your blue and green and a little white to make a light green and paint your limes. This picture was taken when the limes were still freshly painted. It dries much lighter.

Since I already had that red outlier, I decided to go with it. Why not? You only live once. I mixed up a smidge of yellow, cadmium red and white to make a medium orange color. I find it easier to outline the art in the orange first so you're not worrying about ruining your fruit with your orange.

Go to town on that bad boy until you're all done. Masterpiece! Ready for framing and bragging to your friends.

Here are some other pieces I experimented with today just for fun!

Here are some rough squares I did to test out my colors.

And then a very, very, abstract beach at sunset! Booyah!

Drops mic, exits stage left.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

R & B Divas LA: I'm All in My Feelings

I'm not a big fan of Black television these days. In fact, I haven't watched BET in about five years and my cable package doesn't have TV One so I've been (pleasantly) in the dark. I've been hearing so much about this show and I was hesitant to watch it for two reasons: (1) I was truly expecting to see the usual neck-snapping, back-stabbing, bad-mouthing-ness that finds its way into these shows and (2) I know that Dawn's storyline discusses her infertility and I didn't know if I was ready to see that.

Now that I've watched the first four episodes, I am pleasantly surprised by what I've seen. I don't know if its manufactured for television, but I found myself very wistful for the kind of relationships these women have with each other. When was the last time I went to dinner with a group of women? Maybe 10 years ago. When was the last time I was truly honest with my feelings with a group of friends? Never.

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven't watched the first four episodes!!!

Lil' Mo

I'm gonna start off by saying: Baaaa-byyyyy, I won't let them play youuuuuuuuu!

Brings back so many memories of the early 2000s!! Of all the women featured, Lil' Mo reminds me the most of myself--short, loud, brash and bold with a heart of gold. And yes, people do love to sit with me and tell me all their problems.

I don't think I've ever known how to sit back and just chill. I have to be all up in the action, giving my 25 cents. Somebody messin' with you? Imma handle that for you if you can't (or won't) do it yourself. I am fearless when it comes to those I love. It was nice to see Mo doing her thing with her husband and kids. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this husband as manager trend I see happening with R&B stars. I don't think I'd want to work with El Hubster and come home with him too. I find it hard to believe that some of the stress of the "business" doesn't bleed over heavily into the marriage and family life. But to each its own! If it works for them, it works. I loved that Mo took the audience to church in her little bit at the open mic. Yasssss!


I don't really have much to say about Kelly. I was definitely a huge fan of hers back in the day but I'm not seeing her storyline quite as clearly as the others for some reason. Is there more focus on the other women?? I dunno. Other than being the grand dame in terms of getting everyone together and doing the damn thing in terms of the entertainment hustle, I don't really feel like I've learned anything new about her yet.


I really didn't know who Michel'le was until they played the clip of Something In My Heart. I find her voice to be a little annoying. So annoying, in fact, that I wonder how she deals with listening to herself. I was straining to hear what she was saying most of the time because it was in such a high register. I was surprised by how markedly different her singing voice was. I respect her gangsta though. She's holding it down for her and her children and was messin' with Suge Knight, which to me means you're OK with taking your life in your hands from day to day.


My abuse radar was already pinging when Claudette appeared on the screen for the first time. She has these expressions that only women who are abused get. She reminded me so much of my mother. It's like an animal that has been abused and cornered and put down for so long, they don't know how to act when someone wants to love them. She has that vacant stare that catches you off guard. Her emotional walls are up so high, they just might rival the Great Wall of China. She's so talented but you can see that her self-esteem has taken a hit.  I can't blame her, though. I've never been on the receiving end of physical abuse, thank God, but I lived in an abusive home until I was 15 years old. That shit colors your whole life.

To this day, it still makes me extremely uncomfortable to see people argue. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty. I just go back to that place of feeling unsafe as if I'd never left. I'm still dealing with the ramifications of that abusive environment; the hypervigilance that turns into acute anxiety and doesn't allow me to relax, the lack of trust in people's motives, the ability to walk into a room and immediately feel tension, anger, pain coming off of people around me.

Praise God I've been able to transform these emotional obstacles into tools I can now use for good to help others. Oh, Claudette, I feel you honey. It's hard to find your feet after they've been knocked out from under you so many times.


If Lil' Mo is most like me now, Chante is who I want to be most like in the future. This girl gets knocked down and gets back up and maintains her wonderful personality and class all the while. Looking like a fine piece of art at 46 years old! Just a classy, seafood loving dame. I was touched by the cordial relationship she still has with Kadeem Hardison. I was like, "See, Black folks can split and be amicable!" I know I don't really know what's going on behind the scenes but the whole thing with Kenny Lattimore.....ugh. I really do think that unless the child's mother is mentally unstable or in the throes of addiction, you never, never EVER should have the nerve to file for full custody of a child to piss off the mother. I'm looking at you too, Usher!!


Dawn is so much more soft spoken than I thought she would be. You can tell she's been through so much. That wistful, sheepish look she got when Michel'le asked her if she had kids. I've been there, my sister. I feel the yearning in your spirit. She's taken up her cross and she's carrying it with grace.

I love that infertility among Black women is getting a platform here. I hate that any of us have to bear the weight of it but I want the information to be out there and because of her maybe some sista out there will share their struggle and get the help and support they need.

I hope Dawn's dream of having a child comes true. I hope my dream of having a child comes true. I have a great online support group of women that are dealing with infertility along with me, but there's something about seeing your struggle on the screen, knowing that other women will see it. It reminds me that I'm not alone. The pain is real and the desire to have a child isn't something you can just set aside.

So now that I'm hooked, here are my R&B Diva picks for next season:

Toni Braxton (Even though she already has her show with her sisters, I feel like I never see her on the show)
One of the women from Jade
Amel Larrieux from Groove Theory
Karyn White

What about you? Who do you think should be on the show next season?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

How to Fall in Love with Yourself


I was inspired to write this post after replying to a post by Bek C that posed the question: Would you marry you?? What an inspiring question. It got me thinking about womanhood, in general.

I've been having a crisis of womanhood during this whole TTC/infertility process. This kind of thing really makes you question what being a woman means. I think once you hit your 30s you start to grow into your womanhood a bit more. You're not that cute college girl anymore,naive about the world around you. You've had your share (and maybe more) of heartache, you look around you and realize that you aren't doing what you thought you'd be doing and maybe you're OK with that, you're noticing that your friends are making babies and you wanna make some too.

When I hit my 30s I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized I didn't know how to be with myself. I mean really just be with myself. I hated the silence. I hated the thoughts that ran through my head, unbidden and unwelcome like those mean girls you knew in high school. They whispered behind my back that I would fail before I even began, that I was boring and no fun to be around.

Right after we lost Little P I did a Pinterest search for womanhood. I wanted to see what that actually looked like because I sure as hell didn't know. I saw pictures of women in strong poses, staring defiantly into the camera with arms linked. I didn't have any off-line friends in this journey willing to link arms with me so that I could be strong, so that didn't work. I saw pictures of women in sexy poses, pursing red-lipstick lips. Nope, didn't identify with that either. I saw women smiling confidently, caught mid-laugh  atop a mountain or getting ready to dive off of a cliff. Ready for adventure.

There! There's the woman I used to be. What happened to her??

I'm on a quest to fall in love with myself. I've been on this quest before infertility reared its ugly head but I feel like there's a new urgency that hasn't been there before.I asked myself, when was the last time you felt strong and confident? It was back in college during an African dance class. I couldn't believe I was getting a grade for doing something so awesome. I relished it. Walking into class barefoot to the beat of the drum. Feeling the polished wood under my feet. My lappa skirt (that you were required to make yourself!) cinched tight around my waist.

Twisting, turning, thrusting, leaping in time to the music. I felt like I could breathe for the first time.

The rush was amazing. I didn't mind the blisters on the soles of my feet, nor the sweat dripping down my face. We were women, all shapes, sizes and races, moving across the floor in lines. Throwing ourselves at the beat. It was bliss. That was the first time I fell in love with myself.

How could I recapture that feeling, that awe in what I could do and joy in spending time with myself?

I took up running about a year ago. When I say running I mean jogging. My stubby 5 foot, jiggly frame hasn't hit its stride yet but the great thing is my mind doesn't care. In my head I am an antelope. I AM Sanya Richards-Ross. And I feel like I'm flying at less than one mile per hour. So, the running helped to reclaim some of my womanhood.

Every now and then I take myself on a date. I wake up in the morning, check out what's happening for free in the city and then decide if I want to go. It's incredibly liberating. Some days I pick a cafe, get a cup of coffee and a pastry, and settle in with a good book. Other days I window shop or head to a bookstore and discover something new.

In high school, I developed a love for using my hands to make things. I had a ceramics teacher named Ms. Early. (Teachers out there, don't ever take your jobs for granted. You never know how you've changed a life, inspired a child.) She wore long peasant skirts and clay streaked blouses and her hair was always in a sloppy bun on top of her head. And I loved her. She taught me how to turn a lump of clay into a masterpiece. She taught me how to use my hands to create something out of nothing. And now because of Ms. Early, I make art. It will probably never hang in a gallery but I made it and that's enough.

I had another life as a medical writer/editor. I majored in Journalism and started doing medical editing and writing straight out of college. It was my very first job. My team and I worked with pharmaceutical companies to develop publication plans, scientific meetings, posters. My specialties were osteoporosis, respiratory medicine and an online program on restless legs syndrome (yes, that's a real thing).

The great thing about this job was that I got to travel! I never left the US but I had never been anywhere up until that job so it was exciting. After attending hours long symposia and staring at scientific posters until my eyes were about to bleed, I took myself to the movies and out to dinner. In Miami Beach, San Francisco, Philadelphia I made it a point to do something for me. I can still remember watching the movie Catch and Release in a theater in San Francisco, crying and laughing and having the time of my life.

Somewhere along the way I lost the sense that I was important. I still want to create, I still want to have great cups of coffee, I still want to take a dance class just because. I'm writing this all down to encourage my self to continue on the quest to fall in love with myself and encourage you to take up the quest alongside me.

What has made you feel more fully yourself ? What has helped to reaffirm your womanhood?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

On and On....

On and On/ She just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying

Toss up my heart and I'll see where it lands

That's an old Stephen Bishop song! You know those music infomercials that come on during late night TV?? 70s Solid Gold Soul/Lite Rock , etc. I live for that mess. They make me so freaking happy. I think I was born in the wrong decade.

Anyway, EH and I finally had our appointment with SuperDoc today. The office staff called us this morning and tried to postpone it but you KNOW I wasn't having that! I put some bass in my voice and headed that off at the pass. They were trying to tell me that there was some sort of office emergency. I was like, "Guess what? This is an emergency too." End of discussion.

We were actually in good spirits on the way up there, which was a bit of a surprise for me. I pictured myself being just completely distraught; I did feel a little twinge as we approached the building but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I turned to EH and told him, "Your job today is to make sure we don't get rushed out of this here office." And praise the Lord he made sure that didn't happen.

We sat with SuperDoc in her office for a good while discussing some talking points I created and where we would be going from here. I'm so proud of myself for getting it all together beforehand because I wouldn't have asked nearly as many questions if I didn't have a list in front of me. SuperDoc went over everything on my list one by one and in detail.

EH and I are still in a holding pattern because we've got to wait until we're 12 weeks (September 2013) out from our miscarriage to get the blood tests that we need to make sure they're not skewed by any hormones that might be left behind. We've gotta check if my blood is clotting too fast, if my thyroid is more out of wack than I thought, if I've got lupus...the list goes on and on. The fix may be as simple as taking a baby aspirin to thin my blood out a bit or it may require extra folic acid or some serious blood thinners.

Sometimes I shake my head and wonder if all this is worth it.

We discussed my progesterone levels, which were not checked after I got pregnant, so that could very well be an issue. As an aside: Why don't these doctors check progesterone levels once you get pregnant?? Don't they know how important it is??

We decided that we'll be using progesterone in oil the next go around so the levels can be measured in my blood. EH will have to shoot me up every night for approx 10 weeks when we get pregnant again. I admit I'm totally freaked by this possibility but I know I need to cover all my bases. EH thinks that maybe it won't hurt as much because my ass has plenty of cushioning. We'll see about that.

I also got recommendations for an Ob/Gyn, that will hopefully be able to give us the one on one attention we need, and a Perinatologist that specializes in complicated, high risk pregnancies. Hopefully we can do consultations with both during August. All in all, it's nice to be taking my life back into my hands instead of waiting around in the dark again. It gives me so much comfort to know that we're doing something.

EH and I finally told his mom and dad about what's going on with us in terms of infertility. We didn't share the losses because I knew they would be upset that we didn't share it with them. We basically said, "It's gonna take longer than usual and we're getting help from a doctor." I tried to explain PCOS but I don't think they truly understood what we were saying. My mother-in-law quickly jumped to her son's defense. "Oh no, our family is very fecund. His aunts and uncles are very good with making babies and I had to get the surgery to make sure I didn't get pregnant again."

I think she was trying to reassure me that her son came from good fertile stock. We looked at each other and laughed when we left her house amazed that she used the word fecund in a sentence. These are folks that never really bothered to master the English language so we were very proud and impressed.

If she only knew how deep this stuff goes.....I love her though because she feeds me and lets me lay my head on her lap for however long I want.

At least it's out there.

Monday, August 5, 2013

What's Cooking: Black Beans in the Slow Cooker

You know what they say about beans: Beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you...LIVE!!

I've always been a fan of a can o' beans. But these days I'm not so much a fan of the price. In my ever-evolving attempt to save us some moolah and stretch our grocery budget, I started to buy bags of dry beans instead.

Ummm...the only problem with that was I didn't want to take the time to actually cook them.

But then I discovered this great recipe for beans in the slow cooker here and I've been doing this ever since. Go there. This woman's got amazing recipes that don't cost much and can feed your whole family. There's pretty step-by-step pictures too for simpletons like me.

Now the thought of cooking beans isn't overwhelming. This is important because I get overwhelmed quite a bit for day to day things...

A big pile of laundry
Too many dishes in the sink
A too tall glass of water (damn, I gotta drink all of that...)
A bag o' dry beans (who's gonna cook that??)

I gotta break things up into manageable tasks!

Here are my ingredients:


Pour out your bag o' beans on a tray and sort through it as usual. Again, I didn't find anything.

After sorting, rinse the beans off in a colander under running water for a little bit just to get any dust or debris off.

Then place your beans in the slow cooker and add 5 cups of water.

Then set it on high and forget it for 4 you know how much you can get done in 4 hours??  

A lot. Or at least a nap.

After 4 hours, your beans will look like this

Take them out of the slow cooker and rinse them under water to get rid of all that bean water...

Then package them in the container of your choice and put those bad boys in the freezer.

I got three bags o' beans out of one bag of dry beans. Now, they're ready for burritos, black bean soup or as an addition to any recipe with the seasoning of your choice. I usually use mine to make burritos that I can store in the freezer for a quick lunch.

P.S.  I made stuffed plantains last night and baked a big batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I am currently obsessed with creating.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

One small Step

EH and I went to our first support group session this week. It was a big step for me. I was on the verge of a full on meltdown most every day and EH has been pushing for us to see someone. So we searched on the web and found a place in NY that actually specializes in infertility counseling and took our butts to it at 8:30 in the morning.

We were crazy tired when we got to the city and stopped to get some coffee and some breakfast and talk about our fears. My biggest fear was that it wouldn't work. That I would have this help and still be lost in my sadness. EH feared that it was some kind of scientology off shoot and that they would try to convert us; but then I reminded him that scientologists don't believe in mental health care so there was no chance of that. That's my husband! Always with the comic relief ;-)

We arrived at the group only to find that we were the only ones there. I had mixed feelings about it because I really wanted to sit back and listen, maybe hide behind everyone else's pain before talking about my own. The atmosphere was so therapeutic--all cream and white and soothing--that I couldn't help but feel safe and warm and talkative. EH and I sat on the couch together and told our infertility story and shared what we had been through so far. I wanted to cry a few times but I held it together. I didn't want to dissolve into a mess in our first session. Our therapist was great and that was good because I really didn't wanna spend the time analyzing her technique. That would have been a barrier to getting the help I needed.

There were some revelations too. I admitted that I wanted to keep knitting the blanket I had started for Little P. I had been afraid to pick it up again because I didn't want to upset EH. EH admitted that he hated seeing me cry because it made him feel powerless. I admitted that I felt ambiguous about starting treatment again--on the one hand I felt like we had to keep going and on the other hand I wondered what the point was. EH admitted that he didn't realize how much he needed to talk about our losses.

All in all it felt soooo good to just spill our guts to someone who was there to listen. We decided that we're going to keep going until the end of the summer sessions and take it from there. I was surprised by how much better I felt and I even treated myself to a pedicure afterward while EH went to work. As I was in the chair, I could feel all the stress that I'd been holding in for the past month drain away. I felt limp like my bones had turned to liquid. It felt good and bad at the same time. When I got home I slept for about four hours and woke up somewhat refreshed.

Since then, I've just been taking one step at a time trying to keep up with my running schedule. I know that if I don't go running I'll be in the house all day feeling sad. I'm back on my Metformin regimen although it's making me a bit more nauseous than usual and I'm not losing as much weight on it as I did before. I try to remind myself that the weight loss is a side effect and not the purpose of the treatment but, like any woman, I get happy when the number on the scale decreases.When EH gets home we eat dinner, he works on assignments, we watch something from our netflix queue and stumble into bed.

I knit; weaving the yarn between my fingers, pulling it taut, letting it hang loose imagining the baby we will have someday, mourning the ones we lost and trying to knit myself back together.