Magical Thinking

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

I battle with a desire to write about everything that's happening and keeping it close to my vest because my brain thinks if I'm quiet about it, everything will go well. It's magical thinking at its best folks! I also haven't been feeling that hot. My nausea has gotten a little worse, which I'm really excited about, but no actual tossing of cookies. I'm becoming a little more affected by smells. So...yay!

I decided, on a whim, this past weekend, that we should have a Christmas tree. We haven't had a Christmas tree in about two years because we've just been having some crappy years, emotionally. We had our first ever miscarriage around Christmas and then I had surgery around Christmas time last year. So, Christmas has not been my favorite holiday in a while. But this year I wanted to change that so I convinced EH to get us a tree. It's about my height at 5 ft tall so I already love it. I went to our local 99cent store and bought some gold and cream fixins for it. I'm most proud of my bootleg ribbon bow at the top of the tree. There probably won't be any presents under there because we're not so much into giving presents on Christmas. I just desperately needed something hopeful to look at.

Our Christmas tradition consists of going to church, donating money to a worthy charity--this year it's Team Rubicon, a Disaster Response Organization that's run by U.S. Veterans. We round out the day by seeing a movie double feature and having dinner with the in-laws.

Things are going pretty well in our little world :-) We reached 9 weeks today and had a visit with our new Perinatologist. The office was pretty small and professional. Just the way I like it! We met with the ultrasound tech first. The room was very fancy shmancy and we felt pretty important...lol. We got to see the baby, which I am officially calling Fish, move all around and measurements were taken. Fish's heartbeat was doing pretty well...i think it was up to 175 bpm. Fish got the nickname because of an amazing acrobatic feat performed while we were having the ultrasound done. We were staring at the big screen while the ultrasound tech was pushing on my stomach to get a good picture when, all of a sudden, our little 2cm grape did a sort of back flip to the other side of the uterus in a very annoyed manner. Hence...Fish.

We met with the Perinatologist briefly, who was very soft spoken and seemed to know his stuff. I told him that I wouldn't be stopping my Merformin and got no resistance from him so score for him. Next, we met with the genetic counselor, who they thought we might want to see based on our history of pregnancy loss. It was a pretty good meeting actually. She took an amazingly thorough medical history of both of our families and I learned that my red blood cells are smaller than usual. I've had a history of anemia but I always assumed it was because of my fibroid history. EH and I both got a hemoglobin test done to see what's what there. All in all the visit left us feeling at ease so it was a success. Now, we're just hoping and praying that we make it to 12 weeks! That's the goal for me. EH has already said that he won't celebrate until the baby is in his arms.

In other news, EH finally got the money from a grant he applied for eons ago so we're going to be getting an increase in finances in a little bit. Couldn't have come at a better time because we need to get rid of some debt! We truly, truly have been blessed to live comfortably in such a crappy economic climate, especially on only one income. We developed a snowball chart of all our outstanding debts and are going to be tackling them quickly, God willing. Speaking of EH, this week he surprised me with some early Christmas Ebay gifts! I got two pairs of sneakers, one for summer and one for running, both at about 20 buckaroos. I was very, very happy.

Go Ebay!

I'm feeling very blessed these days and I hope your family feels the same this holiday season!! Merry Christmas, Ya'll!!

Randomness!

Ackee, codfish, bananas and dumpling-Javier Cabral

 
I don't know why I've been so silent lately. There's still a lot of things going on in my brain! So here are some random thoughts that are percolating up there:

1. I've been really tired and haven't had much energy. I don't think I'm sleeping that much because when I do sleep, mercifully, I'm getting up pretty much every hour to pee...whomp, whomp. Sometimes I wake up at 4 in the morning and can't go back to bed but that seems to be normal for me during pregnancies. I've taken to praying for peace and calm before bed because it now takes me forever to fall asleep.

2. I've got a hankering for carbs these days but not "American" carbs like chips, cake, bread, etc., as I like to call them. I want island food! yams and green bananas and dumplings with gobs of butter and salt. My grandfather was a banana farmer back in our country and I literally grew up on green bananas with butter and salt. If you wanna comfort me...that's the way to do it. Yummy!

3. I learned this week that EH has been following an infertility blog called Don't Count Your Eggs Before They Hatch....you could have blown me over with a feather. I can't believe he took it upon himself to do that. He's been nothing but supportive to me throughout this whole process but I guess I was just shocked that he wanted to know more. He's getting to be an infertility expert. He floated the idea of doing a guest post so that he could tell his side of the story and posting it on this blog...that remains to be seen. I asked him what he would write and he said, "This sucks. The End." Ha!

4. I've been dealing with a kind of low grade nausea this past week. It's a weird sensation because I always thought that the definition of morning sickness was tossing your cookies. No such luck. Instead I feel like I'm on the verge of it but I never quite get there. It feels sort of like an air pocket in my chest. It hits at around mid day and then lasts for the rest of the afternoon and evening. It's frustrating but I am so grateful to have the feeling because I've never had it before. I love me some sickness! Gimme some mo'! Yay!

5. I feel very fat but I haven't really gained any weight. shrugs shoulders

6. EH and I made plans to go see Anchorman 2 with some friends from our old church. I'm so excited to go out with another couple. We haven't done that in ages! I used to be a little social butterfly. Now I'm just tired. It's hard to go out with friends and not talk about the thing that is occupying your mind but it's such a downer that it never really comes up.

7. I've been feeling a little distant from EH lately....physically not emotionally. This is peak season for him at work and he's usually doing evening and weekend workshops with folks and gosh darn it I'm jealous! If he doesn't drive, he usually makes it home at around 9:30pm and he's out like a light by midnight. We usually make some time for each other on the weekends but the weather has been so yucky we haven't really been able to do anything outdoors. I hate being cooped up indoors, ergo, winter is not my favorite season. I'm an island girl!! I need sunshine and heat and salt water.

8. EH is determined that I'm going to start using Ebay. He buys most of his clothes from Ebay and recently got himself some pretty nice sneakers. I'm all for reusing instead of buying new so I'm up for it. The only problem is that I'm really uncoordinated when it comes to bidding on things. I get overwhelmed so I'm telling him what I want and letting him handle the bidding. I would love to get a pair of boots but I've got the dreaded wide calves (!!!) and I don't have much of a leg because I'm so short. Regular folks have foot---ankle---leg---calf. I've got foot---ankle--calf. Ha!! Hence, my dilemma.

El Bebe Esta Bien!

pinterest.com

 EH and I went for our confirmatory visit at the Ob/Gyn yesterday and got some good news! Baby is doing well with a good heartbeat and measuring well :-) We're 7 weeks today.

I don't know if our doc was having an off day or what but she didn't have the greatest manner and that rubbed me the wrong way. I could totally be projecting here....but I don't think so. The ultrasound tech was much nicer to us but we were all business. I think they both were a little taken aback by how nonchalant EH and I were when they showed us the baby on the screen. There was nary a peep out of us; we just looked at the screen and nodded our heads. I looked at the baby's heartbeat and silently wished for it to keep beating. We were thisclose to refusing the ultrasound picture altogether but I kept it and haven't really looked at it since our appt.

The doc recommended that we see a Perinatologist so I have to make an appointment for that soon. We're going to our last appt with SuperDoc next week and maybe I'll be in a better head space by then.

Pray for us ya'll; We're suffering from some serious trauma. We honestly don't know how to react to good news anymore. I feel like I just came back from war and I'm trying to reorient myself. Maybe that's why I post it here. I'm hoping that soon I can look back on these posts and feel the joy that I'm supposed to be feeling.

On the way home EH reminded me that I didn't owe anybody anything in regards to my feelings and I'm hanging onto that. Part of the reason why I love this blog so much is that I get to be my true self, warts and all. It's hard to be where I'm at mentally. I still find myself absently cradling my stomach when I'm laying in bed at night so there must be a part of me that is identifying with this pregnancy in a hopeful way.

In other news, I would like some crab legs or lobster....

Giving Thanks

hgtv.com

EH and I really aren't that into holidays. I was actually appalled that stores were opening on Thanksgiving so that folks could shop instead of spend quality time with their families. Thanksgiving is a sacred time for me. We never really celebrated it when I was growing up. Either my mother was working or we were too far away (i.e. too lazy) to visit extended family. I only really got into the holiday when I got married.

Usually we hustle on over to my in-laws house, sit around for a couple of hours watching football and the Godfather marathon and then stuff our faces. This year I was overcome with the desire to be with some of my family as well. So on Thanksgiving day I made a couple of pumpkin pies and we drove to Brooklyn to spend a little time with my brother and my dad.

I had never seen my dad's place until that day. We talk about once a month. He's been there for the most important days of my life....graduations, my wedding, my surgery....but our relationship is still a bit tenuous. We are clumsy with our affection and he's not exactly a talkative type so it's kind of a "take it where you can get it" kind of thing. His apartment was what you'd expect for a 50-something year old bachelor....sparse. Apparently he's into juicing so as soon as we stepped foot over the threshold he made all of us a fresh juice...in his juicer. We were all very, very impressed. It was delicious. He shows his love by juicing. That's cool.

We talked mostly about my brother, his job and his skinny jeans. He's 25-years old now; living with three roommates in a basement apartment in Astoria.  He's got a serious girlfriend and he peppers his Instagram account with pictures of he and his friends living the high life.

Ahhhhh....to be young and unbeaten by the world....

I probably sound totally cynical but I'm really proud of him. He was able to rise above the dysfunction of our immediate family. That is true success in my book.

My dad and my brother intended to drop in at another family event that night but EH and I needed to get on the road so we could get to my in-laws house for dinner. My brother reported that I didn't miss much so I don't feel too badly about missing that crowd.

Thanksgiving itself was, dare I say it, just aight. I didn't really enjoy the food this year because my stomach was doing flip flops. I've never thrown up while pregnant but I do have an all day kind of queasiness.

Saturday afternoon we met up with my brother in Astoria and went to see the Hunger Games movie, which was pretty cool. Our relationship has evolved so much over the years. I view him more as my brother and less like my child. I'm proud of myself that I've been able to make that shift. It's hard to look at him and not see a panorama of his young life flash before my eyes.

My youngest brother is 14 now and living with my mom. It's hard to get in touch with him and I found out this past weekend that he's being given ADHD medication by a psychiatrist. Even I know that's the last thing he needs, he's practically comatose already, and the medication has made him violent. I don't know what to do with that. EH and I are trying to figure out a way to get more involved in his life. He's been out of the country since he was about five years old and hardly knows me and that makes me sad.

EH and I vowed we were going to enjoy our holiday no matter what. We also vowed not to talk about the baby possibly residing in my uterus but that didn't work out so well. We couldn't seem to stop talking about it but our conversations were mostly about what we were going to do after.... Now we don't know for certain that we'll have a miscarriage but the waiting to find out whether it's leaving or staying is torturous. So, instead we make plans for after.

While sitting in the couch we discuss how we're going to take a break...after

On the way to the store we talk about starting IVF in the new year....after

Laying in bed we talk about looking into adoption....after

It's really pretty maddening. I sleep and get queasy and  develop weird rashes in odd places and completely ignore these sensations. My only refuge is Sunday mornings when we're in church and I can set my mind on someone else. I pour all my hope into my worship. I don't even want to think about the possibility of a baby. I'm sad about this too but it's my reality, our reality, right now.

We've got a lot to be thankful for around these parts, though. We've got a pretty good marriage. The bills get paid somehow. We have moments of true joy. We've got a roof over our heads and good income coming in. We know we're blessed in a lot of areas. Tomorrow we see our Ob/Gyn to see if something good and wonderful, or the opposite, is happening in there. I'm looking forward to it because at least I'll know for sure one way or the other.