Tuesday, May 28, 2013

7 weeks!! Little P Lives!!!

El Hubster and I just got back from our last visit with SuperDoc :-( We were so blessed to see our Little P on the screen...LIVE and DIRECT with a heartbeat measuring within range at 115bpm....swoon. This is the first heartbeat we have ever heard and the sound was better than any other sound that exists. Seriously.
El Hubster was practically stunned into silence and I fell in love with our little blip on the screen. Stick around Little P, stick around! We LOVE you!

Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord!

Now I'm off to drink water (which I hate but am forcing myself to drink) and sleep.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Hanging In There

I'm getting seriously impatient about my first ultrasound. I can't believe I have to wait until the 28th to see if Little P is actually in there.

I've been so lax with this blog since we found out the news and I'm trying to figure out why...I think it's because I'm sort of in limbo right now. I feel like I'm moving forward but doing so in really thick oatmeal or molasses. It simply won't be real until I can see it with my own eyes and/or am throwing up my life in the toilet...and I don't want to put my negative energy out here in cyberspace...

Random Thoughts

1. I'm really hungry..mostly for baked potatoes with butter, salt and sour cream and anything Jamaican

2. I'm tired...like all the time

3. I'm really tired of the way CNN sensationalizes disasters

4. I have no interest in award shows anymore...

5. I miss Scandal already

6. I hate when white folk move to foreign countries and say they want to live "in the community" but really they just wanna live among people who look like them...is that annoying to anyone else??

7. El Hubster and I have not been intimate since we got back from Canada....and I'm ok with it. I have absolutely NO sex drive right now. Zero, zip, ZILCH!

8. I was watching a lifetime movie last week and bawled my eyes out like somebody killed my cat...I mean UGLY crying

9. I'm angry with El Hubster for one infraction or another most of the time but I have absolutely no reason to be....hormones??

10. It's been almost a year since I got my masters degree and I still have not scheduled my licensing exam...really feeling like my life goals are on hold right now...I gotta get on that..starting tomorrow

Monday, May 13, 2013

Cautiously Optimistic

El Hubster and I got the best news we could have possibly gotten a week ago...we're expecting!! I gotta say I'm in a weird emotional space. I had a few days of astonished happiness and then my anxiety took over. I started to guard myself against the pain I've felt twice before. The "what if's" were in full attack mode and I had no defense.

I've been going back and forth in my mind...trying to be cautiously optimistic and secretly talking with Little P every chance I get. I'm about 4 weeks , 5 days preggers today but I don't feel pregnant. I've read this is the crazymaking time for early pregnancies....that gray area between first finding out and when morning sickness hits. In a weird way, I actually think morning sickness would be comforting because then I would know it was real.

I'm in an ambiguous fog. I so want to start bonding with Little P but I'm so scared that he/she won't stick around and I'll be devastated. This is the curse of infertility and loss. I'm fighting every day to overcome it and trying to find solace in my ravenous hunger (I could eat before but now I can really eat!!), mood swings and exhaustion.

Mother's Day has come and gone and except for scrolling through several annoying Facebook posts, I emerged unscathed. This holiday is not one of my favorites I'll admit. Besides the fact that it's completely manufactured to keep the economy going (I read somewhere that Mother's Day alone is the fifth largest money spending holiday in the billions), It also brings up feelings of loss, sadness and frustration for so many who have yet to become mothers, have recently lost their mothers, were mothers once and are no more, or for women like me who yearn for distant, mentally ill mothers. It's usually a day of mourning for me; mourning the childhood and the mother I didn't have. Mourning past Mother's Days when I would spend weeks thinking of what to do for my mother, what to give my mother, only to get a lukewarm response at best.

And now years later, it brings up thoughts of the mother I have no connection with and the babies that could have been. I'm learning as the years go by that it isn't healthy to hide from pain and past hurts. They are wounds that must be cleaned, irrigated, allowed to breathe and eventually stitched up.

I was so grateful this past Sunday to hear that our Pastor's sermon focused more on healing the hurt from the loss of the mother ideal. In my darkest hours, I truly felt God was punishing me with infertility because I dared to shatter and speak out about my lack of mothering. I've gotten past this notion. It hurt ten times more to keep up the facade than to tell the truth and break free.

I was grateful this past Mother's Day for all the surrogate mothers I've had in my life. My strong grandmother who told me weeks before she died that she firmly believed I would be successful in life, countless teachers who have sensed my mother loss and encouraged me all through my school years and an excellent mother-in-law who I have yet to fully appreciate because I don't know how.

I have to count it all joy because the loss of my own mother has made me a fierce nurturer, a mothering warrior, up to the task ahead... or so I keep telling myself.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Blame Canada!

El Hubster and I are back from a wonderful trip to the mountains of Quebec. We stayed at a B & B near the Mt. Tremblant Ski Resort. I'll say this...it was really hot in Canada..like June hot. The heat worked out well for us though because we got to hike and walk trails and we weren't freezing our butts off.
We saw so many cool sites during our stay, this was taken on the road to our B & B, right off of Lake Tremblant. 


There's the B & B owner Pierre (Yes, that really is his name!) riding to the gym. He and his wife Sylvie made us yummy food every morning.
This is the awesome waterfall down the street from the B & B...can you imagine? "Oh yeah, that's just the waterfall at the end of my block"...at this point I wanted to move there...sigh
We walked up Mt. Tremblant as far as the South Base and were rewarded with another lovely waterfall which El Hubster just had to explore...
I had my stern face on while I took this picture!
Halfway up we were greeted with this sign...warning us to watch out for BEARS!! We really must be fearless because we kept going up!
That night we ate "downtown"..I put downtown in quotes because it really was just 2-3 blocks. Above is the WORST Mexican food we have ever had...I guess the French aren't down with the cuisine...Honestly, most of the food we ate was TERRIBLE!
We killed time by playing pool in the village...which we totally sucked at...totally. But it was so much FUN.
This is FoFo, one of the owners' dogs who very kindly kept us company while we played French Scrabble...
This was taken about 5 miles into our 10 mile hike...we were pretty sure a bear would come out and eat us any minute...

This is a rolling river we came across about ten minutes later...

So, we saw some pretty cool things, were out in nature (which we love), hiked 1/4 of the way up a 2,870 ft mountain, walked a 10-mile trail through the forest, slept A LOT, ate some pretty bad food but by far the most interesting thing we saw before we left Canada was this...

Yep!!! We did it!!! We're having a Little P! We are beyond thrilled and so grateful to God for answered prayer...Stick around Little P....look how adventurous and fun your parents are!