Sunday, October 27, 2013


Grandma and Grandpa
I've been thinking of my Grandma a lot these days. I don't even really know what brought it on but I find my mind drifting to the time we spent together when I was a little girl. I was walking down the street the other day and I swore I heard her talking to me.

I went to church with Grandma every Sunday starting from the age of nine. I would watch her get dressed to the nines in her peach, white or black skirt suits, pill box hat, wig and sensible heels; smelling vaguely of Vicks vapor rub, Jergens lotion and knock off perfume. That smell was like heaven to me.

We would walk solemnly into her large, mostly Caribbean, Anglican church. She with her shoulders back, head held high. Me ,fidgeting and antsy, dreading the two hour service and having to sit still in the pew. She would say hello to all her old lady friends. So proud to be in the company of her countrymen and women, worshiping the Lord.

When I think of those days I can see the freshly polished wood pews, shining in the glow of the church lights. Smell the sweet, smoky incense that lingered in the air when the altar boys swung the censer ahead of the priest. Hear my Grandma whispering with her eyes closed, "Yes, Lord." and "Thank You Jesus."

And the music! The choir would do that beautiful call and response to the tune of the organ...

Kyrie eleison (Lord, Have Mercy)

Christe eleison (Christ, Have Mercy)

No one could tell me the angels didn't sound exactly like that.

I would look over at my Grandma and she was just so happy. I didn't, couldn't, understand that kind of joy as a child. There was so much stress and drama going on at home for me then that I only ever felt like a normal little girl with my Grandparents. Away from it all.

When the collection came around Grandma would hand me a crinkled dollar bill to put in the plate...always. Inevitably, if I behaved myself, she would produce a sweet candy from her purse. She probably always carried them but it seemed to me at the time that she only ever had them on Sundays. After church we would retire to the rectory for tiny corn beef sandwiches and Kool Aid. Nothing tasted better to me....then or since.

At home in the evenings, I would watch her read her large Bible for what seemed like hours but was probably 15 minutes at most. Then, right before bed, she would place it face up under her pillow as if the words would seep into her brain by osmosis during the night. And maybe they did.

My Grandma has been gone a few years now but what she gave me was so priceless. She taught me about reverence. Reverence for God that I took with me, tucked somewhere in my soul. When a cab struck me at 12, it was God and Grandma that I cried out for. A few months before she died, I went to visit her in her home in Brooklyn. I was 22 years old, finishing up college and looking forward to whatever was next. I hadn't seen her in a while and she was noticeably weaker. My Grandfather had died of a brain aneurysm a few years before and she lived by herself.

She was just about to take a shower when I stopped by unannounced. I offered to help and she waved me off. A few minutes later I heard her calling for help and rushed to the bathroom. She needed me after all and she wasn't happy about it. I was determined to make the experience all business so she wouldn't feel bad. I got to soaping and washing, trying to make small talk.

Soon she was in tears, "Look how I used to wash you and now you're washing me."  I reassured her that I was happy to do it and that I didn't mind. Later, back in my own space, I reflected on the moment and let loose the tears that I held back in her presence. I know the time we spent together that day was a gift from God.

When I discovered God for myself I carried her lessons of faith with me. I'm familiar with that silent place she went to as she sat in the pew. I catch myself whispering, "Yes, Lord" and "Thank You Jesus." I'm pretty sure I'll be placing my Bible face up under my pillow someday soon.

What lessons have your parents/grandparents taught you that still stick with you today?

Friday, October 25, 2013

50 Interesting Things About Me

Here's my list of 50 Interesting Things...I think...maybe...Ha!

This is me in a really big chair...carry on

1. My struggle with infertility has revealed creativity and strength I never knew I possessed and I'm grateful for that gift.

2. I'm intimidated by large glasses of water or too much of a type of food on a plate.

3. I only have one best female friend.

4. I'm very outgoing but very few people know the real me.

5. I suffer from sleep paralysis when I don't get enough sleep or am under extreme stress. My brain is awake and active but I can't move my body or speak.

6. I have a sarcastic sense of humor.

7. I have an eclectic taste in music...I listen to EVERYTHING.

8. I'm a pop culture junkie.

9. Sometimes I walk down the street like I'm in a music video when I'm listening to music. I'm sure it looks very strange.

10. I love books that are a part of a series...Twilight, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, the Hunger Games.

11. In college I worked as a writing tutor and a library clerk.

12. I studied Italian as my language in college.

13. When I was a kid I had dreams of singing and dancing on Broadway. I took voice and dance lessons as a child.

14. I LOVE any movie/show that has dance in it...ballroom dancing, Step Up movies, So You Think You Can Dance. The only one I won't watch is Dancing with the Stars.

15. I took a solo trip to Rome, Florence and Venice when I was 26. I would love to visit Australia, New Zealand and Bali.

16. I've started and abandoned writing a few books and once had a book deal for a young adult novel that fell through. I need to get back on that!

17. I love action/disaster movies and romances.

18. I'm afraid of roller coasters.

19. I don't polish my nails because I hate the look of chipped nails.

20. One of my favorite TV shows is Supernatural.

21. I studied at Spelman College during an exchange program in college. One of the best esteem building experiences I've ever had.

22. I taught myself how to swim on vacation when I was 17.

23. My favorite sports in the summer Olympics are diving and gymnastics. In the winter Olympics, figure skating.

24. I was hit by a car when I was 12 and broke my right arm.

25. I'm seriously nearsighted and have astigmatism. I wear my glasses everyday, all day and wore contacts for the first time during the week of my wedding. I haven't worn contacts since my wedding day.

26. Only my husband knows about my blog.

27. When I met my husband I didn't know anything about where his family was from..the Dominican Republic. I was born in Montego Bay, Jamaica and emigrated when I was 4.

28. I was a Spanish scholar in high school but can barely communicate well in Spanish with my in-laws or my husband.

29. I started jogging/running to combat/control my depression.

30. I love decorating my house but don't have the motivation to follow fashion.

31. I majored in journalism in college and worked as a magazine writer for two years after college before switching to medical advertising and communications.

32. I'm a big believer in self-help and have seen four therapists in my life so far at different points.

33. I like eating more than I like cooking.

34. I love seafood, especially lobster and sushi.

35. I'm a news junkie. I watch CNN and Al Jazeera America all day.

36. I met my husband on MySpace.

37. I don't know how to drive.

38. I have a masters degree in social work.

39. I take the lead in home improvement projects. I love putting furniture together. I think I was a construction foreman in my past life.

40. I have a photographic memory.

41. I have a black thumb. I've never been able to keep a plant alive.

42. I'm only 5 feet tall.

43. I was bullied in middle school.

44. I was my high school valedictorian.

45. I won a borough-wide spelling bee in middle school.

46. I'm a Gemini.

47. I'd like to think that I do things on a whim but I'm really a planner.

48. I have trouble making decisions because I tend to overanalyze things.

49. I'm really, really, really bad at any kind of advanced math and rely on my husband to measure and calculate things. I didn't learn how to read an analog clock until I was 12 and dread playing any game that has to do with money, like Monopoly, which I haven't played since I was a child.

50. I love animals.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Batter Up!

I'm not a big fan of Baseball but I'm a big fan of Robinson Cano! yummers
We drove up to see SuperDoc this morning and we got some good news! Both EH and I had blood work done and I had my ultrasound, which showed no cysts and a good lining! So, ready, set, go.

I've got my Clomid prescription and I start tomorrow. I've already warned EH to look out for me over this next week but I also promised to try to leave the room if I feel like I'm about to lose it. My first experience with Clomid wasn't the greatest. I completely underestimated it because I was feeling fine on the first day but ,as the week went on, I could feel myself about to jump out of my skin with rage and/or cry uncontrollably. And I actually cry when I'm really angry not a pretty sight. Every woman I've talked to that takes this medication co-signs this so I know this isn't just in my head.

I had a chance to talk with SuperDoc about my test results and she and the specialist both agree that the miscarriages are most likely due to genetic abnormalities, which makes me really sad. We've already decided on IVF the next time around if we're not successful this round. Such a scary prospect. According to the specialist's report, and the stupid influence of PCOS, we've got a 25% chance of losing another baby....but that also means we have a 75% chance of a successful I'm stepping out on FAITH!! I've been eating well, got my thyroid under control and been running my ass off so I'm hoping all of this gives me a boost.

They both felt that my numbers weren't high enough to suggest that I had a blood clotting disorder but I still asked if I could take low dose aspirin as a precaution and got the go ahead. We'll also be doing progesterone shots instead of suppositories so that the level can be measured in my blood.

Well, folks, we're covering ALL the bases....and hoping we hit a home run.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Marriage Workout!


 EH and I attended our second session of the marriage workshop at our church last night and the verdict is:

We love it!

We have at least ten couples in the group. A few who are living together and not married yet, one or two that are newly engaged and the rest are couples who have been married a range of years. All in all a good mix. Our group leaders are a married couple that clearly love and respect and are real with each other, which is so important. They keep the conversation going and really know how to engage everybody. I'm so happy that I strong-armed EH into going. I was surprised by how much he enjoys going.

Our marriage was by no means in trouble but I'm a preemptive kind of gal. I don't think it hurts to get a marriage tune-up every once a while, especially since we're dealing with the trauma of infertility. With all the stress, heartache and financial strain, many couples don't make it. By grace, so far, that hasn't been our reality. This challenge to our marriage has only made us stronger and more determined to enjoy each other.

In this second session, we sat apart and filled out an anonymous, short marriage questionnaire so the leaders could get an idea of what the group will need to touch on. We also had to list a challenge(s) we are facing in our marriage. EH and I debated whether or not to bring up our infertility and then decided not to. We may change our minds as the group goes on but we don't feel like we're in  a place right now where we're ready to share.

I'm struggling with this because I feel like it's a teachable moment for the other couples and  a venue for us to get the support and encouragement we need. But the reality is we don't really know anyone that well, and all of the couples, except one young engaged couple, have children. I've learned that sometimes I have to guard my heart against ignorant comments and empty platitudes when it comes to talking about our struggle. I may change my mind. I listed challenges dealing with finances, sex and housework instead. I'm very curious to know what EH wrote!

The group is reading this book:
The first chapter was a little dry but we're crossing our fingers that it gets better. Either way, the chapters have the potential to inspire great conversations.

What have you and your husband done to strengthen your marriage? How did it go? Was it helpful?

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

A Day In the Life


7:15 am: Receive a text message from the pastor of my old church announcing the birth of their baby boy. I am crushed and bitter and angry. The news of the baby's arrival makes me yearn for my lost little ones. I pull the covers over me in bed and try to go back to bed. Too late; I'm awake and it's already shaping up to be one of my "bad" days.

7:30 am: Join EH in the living room as he gets ready for work. Watch television news and offer to make breakfast.

7:45 am: Fed EH scrambled eggs with fried plantains. Marvel at the fact that he gets to go to work. Wonder if I'll ever be able to contribute in the same way ever again. I'm beginning to miss working. He says," So,you got the text I see." I nod. "Did you respond?" he says. I did; right away like peeling off a band-aid. "I was gonna tell you not to. I would've done it for the both of us." I smile.

9:00 am: Eat breakfast. Remember that I forgot to take thyroid medication. :Forehead smack: Take pill. Goodbye kiss from EH and a last admonition "Don't stay in here all day!"

9:30-10:00 am: Sit on the couch and watch CNN, stare into space, figure out what I'm going to do for the day. Take Metformin, Vitamin D, Prenatals.

10:00 am: Decide to paint something for the wall above our bed. I need something, anything to distract me. Call RE's office and schedule preliminary ultrasound before Clomid cycle 2. I am anxious and it makes me short with the receptionist.

10:15 am: Call EH to make sure appt is OK with his schedule. Start painting while listening to CNN.

1:00 pm: Errand to CVS to pick up low dose aspirin, which I'm still contemplating taking, and maxi pads.

1:20 pm: Snack on gluten free crackers. Back to painting.

2:00 pm: Warm up some hot-pocket like food for lunch. Contemplate reading my Bible but don't. I'm angry  at Him today.

2:30 pm: Back to painting. Feel the blissful peace that comes with extreme focus on a task.

3:00 pm: Finish painting and hang above bed. Do a happy dance. Feel accomplished.

3:30 pm: I'm getting sleepy but refuse to take a nap; Nap taking is not allowed. Decide to sign on to Bloglovin and check blogs/twiiter/Facebook. More CNN. Shake my head at the stupidity of elected leaders.

4:00 pm: Contemplate going for a run but this is an off day. Stare into space. Get teary, try not to cry.

4:30 pm: Flip through saved shows on TiVo. Watch America's Next Top Model. Marvel at how easy life can be. Realize I hate this show. Why can't I stop watching this show??

5:00 pm: Should probably start making dinner. Season chicken.

6:00 pm: Read some blogs and discover that it's National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sigh. Maybe that's why I feel so shitty. Cry. Light a candle.

7:00 pm: Start writing blog post while making chicken and rice.

9:00 pm: Eat dinner.

9:27 pm: EH finally comes home. Josh runs to his scratch post and scratches for at least 3 minutes. Realize I might need a scratch post.

9:30 pm: EH and I watch the latest episode of the Duggars. It's one of our favorite shows.

Something about a woman with a crap load of kids just appeals to me, for obvious reasons.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

On the Road Again....


Soooooo, I finally got the call back from the Perinatologist. He basically said, "there's nothing wrong with you" and all the tests came back "normal."  Is it horrible that I don't believe him!!?? I mean I'm happy that all the tests came back normal but I'm more frustrated than ever. Nothing is wrong with me. Absolutely nothing.

I called SuperDoc's office and am scheduled to go in next week for a preliminary ultrasound to get the whole process going again. I'm going to have SuperDoc go over the results with me. I should be excited but I'm really scared. I don't want to take the pills or the progesterone suppositories or the shots. I don't want to go off on my husband for five days due to Clomid crazies. I don't want to go through yet another two week wait of hell. I don't want my hope to lead to despair.

Boohoo....I wish I could stuff my face with something amazing but unfortunately I have no appetite.

:: fights the air::

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.
The formatting may be a little screwy in this post and I can't seem to fix it. My apologies!

I'm a recovering people pleaser. 

I started people-pleasing when I was just a girl. I wasn't one of those kids that complained when an adult asked me to do something. I relished it; a) because I was a very lonely child until my siblings came along and b) because pleasing folks gave me a sense of validation and acceptance that was sorely lacking in my home.

When I met EH, some of that tendency was curbed a bit because, ahem, I now had someone to please full-time. EH never really cared for these tendencies and most of the things I would consider as going above and beyond were largely ignored by him. He just wants to sit on the couch and doesn't understand why I would do more than I needed to.

I almost always took the lead in school projects. not because I thought I was the better person for the job but because I didn't trust anyone else and was terrified of placing my success in someone else's hands. Another vestige of a childhood where nothing was certain. 

At our old church, I volunteered to be secretary of the church board, was one of the leaders of our church choir, spearheaded, planned and hosted the church's fall festival fundraiser, planned the head pastor's wedding. Having just graduated from grad school with no job in sight, and none for an as yet undetermined future, I wasn't involved in anything else hence church was my only outlet for validation. Hindsight truly is 20/20 and I realize now that this flurry of activity was how I coped. I fooled myself into thinking that if I was doing something physically, I was mentally and emotionally OK. Nothing was further from the truth.
I was reeling from losing two babies and teaching pre-schoolers in Sunday School; was stressed to the hilt about our mounting medical bills and spending money for church events; feeling increasingly overwhelmed and depressed and smiling all the time. Soon all of these responsibilities began to chafe.
I woke up super early on Sunday mornings to get to choir rehearsal. We lived in a different part of the city so that involved getting out of bed and taking a 20 minute train ride into the city. When I got there, on time, it would just be me and the choir director. No one else bothered to be on time. Later, I would get up to sing, all the while feeling my anger bubbling up at my fellow choir members for not caring enough to rehearse and losing sight of why I was in church in the first place. Losing sight of God.
I attended three hour weekly board meetings hearing about church financial dysfunction and bad management and feeling anxious about the necessary decisions we were making to get the church back on its feet, which included letting people go.
I volunteered to be a part of a group of people who were assisting a church member who hoarded to clean her apartment knowing full well that that was the one clinical issue that I just couldn't handle. I had dealt with this type of issue in the past and knew that, unless serious therapy was undertaken, nothing was likely to change.
Naturally, I would complain to EH about everything I was doing and he would just shrug his shoulders and say, "Well stop doing it."

I would always reply with the worst kind of indignation, "Stop! How can I stop? What are they going to do without me??!"

It sounded so ridiculous to my ears but I continued doing everything for everybody until I was forced to stop in December 2012 when I had my myomectomy. I truly believe that the only reason I stopped was because I physically could not move around for about six weeks. But those six weeks were life-changing.

I was given the rare opportunity to really look at myself and analyze my actions. I was a grown woman but, inside, I was still a scared little girl looking for favor. I really believed that I needed to be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect woman.

As much as I tried to make it so, Doing was not Being. Nothing I did could change who I was, what I was feeling or what I was going through. I refused to acknowledge that it was just too much for little 'ol me to handle. I was not the invincible, superwoman I believed myself to be. 

So I pared way back; I stopped doing the choir, I quit the Board, I stopped doing the Sunday school, I stopped raising my little hand to volunteer for things. I went to church three Sundays a month instead of four. Imagine my surprise when the world didn't end. In fact, everything went on just as before. These responsibilities didn't need me. I needed them.
All the time that I was giving away was time that I sorely needed. Time to reconnect with my husband and fortify my marriage, time to get our finances together by cutting down on our social outings, time to reconnect with my spirituality, time to grieve our losses, time to seek help, time to get healthy, time to BREATHE.

I know now that I have to guard my heart against overdoing. I worked with a volunteer organization last week which was refreshing. EH and I are only just now venturing back into somewhat of a social life and we are taking baby steps. We've joined a new church and while I still love to sing I'm not rushing to join the choir. I'm not rushing to teach Sunday School or volunteer for any projects. We've joined a time-limited marriage group just so we can get to know some other people because we've started to desire fellowship again. 

Nothing I do now is something I don't truly want to do. 

Do you suffer from overdoing? What changes would you make/have you made in your life to overcome this?

Monday, October 7, 2013

Into the Woods

The day before our memorial walk, EH and I decided that we should do something fun! So we jumped in the old car and went hiking at the Cranberry Lake Preserve. I'm not really sure when we caught the hiking bug but we've been doing it seriously since our first hiking trip on our honeymoon.

I'm smiling here because I'm going downhill
We hiked in the El Yunque National Forest in Puerto Rico. It was one of those hotel excursion trips, you know the ones in the cute brochures by the check-in desk, where the people at the hotel tell you it's "easy and fun" and then folks sign up for it thinking it'll be "easy and fun."  It totally wasn't easy but it WAS fun and HARD. We hiked down to the rainforest floor and then had to hike all the way back up. By the end of it I was pretty sure I was dead. But after that hike, a fire was lit. I think the endorphins from completing the hike lit the match. So from time to time we like to go hiking to challenge ourselves and enjoy the outdoors.

You see that beatific look on EH's face... He loves hiking! He kept telling me were going to be urban adventurers...
We took the blue trail that ran by the lake. I wasn't into their directional signs. They were small and easy to miss. We got turned around a few times. I couldn't even see the number on this tree because it was the same color as the tree!

I was so ready to carve our names in this tree but EH didn't want me "defacing nature."

The good news here is that I'm wearing my lucky number 7 shirt. The bad news is that I wore cut off shorts to go hiking, which is ALWAYS a bad idea. My legs were tore up when I got home.

We finally found the lake!! Yay!!

look at me! I'm so short, I'm standing on a tree..tee hee
This trail was pretty awesome so we'll probably go back and do a harder one. There were some hairy moments when we thought we would never find the nature lodge we started out from but there were also some beautiful sights...

The leaves are turning....end of summer...BOOOOO!!

There was a point in the trail when we had to crawl under a fallen tree. I had to get this shot of EH because he absolutely HATES getting dirty. A great day! Can't wait to go back!

Walk to Remember

We started out at about 10 in the morning on Sunday to our first Walk to Remember in Suffern, NY. I looked out our living room window and noted the dreary skies. The air was heavy, clouds brimming with rain. I commented on how fitting it was that we should have such sad weather on today of all days.We laughed and joked around to break the ice, listened to the Giants game on the radio on the way up. Neither one of us knew what to expect but we love car trips. We tried not to think about what we'd experience at the end of the route.

In the car, I scrolled through my twitter feed, reading out headlines that caught my eye. For most of the trip I stared out the window, lost in my thoughts. What if I don't feel anything when I get there? Is this a mistake? Is it going to make me more sad? EH kept asking if I was OK. I kept nodding my head yes and we traveled on.

Our first order of business was getting EH some much needed coffee and getting our memorial balloons. We wrote our nicknames for the babies on them. EH freaked out a little because he didn't know how to tie them up so they wouldn't float away. I tied them to his wrist and he walked around for most of the day with balloons hitting him in the face but he didn't mind.

 The group assembled in the parking lot to gather their balloons, sign a memorial banner and mingle with the other parents. It ended up being a lot more people than what's captured here. I loved the mountains in the background. That black van was playing country music and EH shook his head in disbelief as I sang along to a few songs. I couldn't believe how many people were carrying multiple balloons like us. Most of the parents present lost full term babies who were fine one day and gone the next or a stillbirth. There were also a few women with miscarriages. One thing that I noticed, however, is that they all had children. It gave me hope that maybe one day EH and I would too.

We picked up this memorial bird at the event. It was supposed to be hung on a memorial tree at the event but I didn't want to part with it so we ended up keeping it.We felt so silly writing their nicknames on it but we had no other way of identifying them. EH and I didn't want to know the sex of our babies.We wanted to be surprised so the nicknames helped us by being completely unisex.

We signed this beautiful memorial banner as well. Our little message lists our babies names and "loved and remembered by 'Mommy & Daddy.'"

Pretty soon it started to drizzle and luckily it never moved into a full blown rainstorm while we were there. EH snapped this pic before we started walking. It was about a mile walk to the state hospital where a tent was set up to house all of us for the memorial service. Many shared reflections of their children, their experience and how they were doing today. There were also a few musical selections. A 15-year-old girl wrote and performed a song for a brother she never knew. An older man played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on his trumpet. EH and I felt that it was like having a funeral for all of the babies who weren't with us anymore. For us that was a good thing since we never really got to properly memorialize any of our little ones. We held each others' hands tightly throughout the service, not speaking much. We listened as all the babies names were read aloud, including ours.

Soon it was time for the balloon release. Over 96 families stepped out from under the tent and gathered in a circle while a bagpiper played. Up until this time, EH and I had shed a few solitary tears but neither of us was prepared for the deluge of tears that occurred when we let go of our balloons. The sobs shook me as I watched our balloons go up and up and up into an overcast sky. EH stood next to me rubbing his eyes, furiously wiping away his own tears. And when I lost track of our balloons, I cried even harder. I wasn't ready to let them go.

We stood for a time staring at the sky and saying our silent goodbyes. We knew we'd never forget them but we were ready to face whatever came next. As we got back to the car, EH told me that he felt at peace. I realized that I felt the same. I felt that we'd given our babies a proper memorial,a proper goodbye, a proper acknowledgment that they did indeed exist to us and were loved. One that no doctor, or well-meaning friend or family member could trivialize or take away.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

1. I went to a thrift store this week to see if I could find a large mirror for our dining room and came up empty handed. I likely won't be back because if I don't find something I like the first time I visit a thrift store, I probably won't go back EVER. :-( That's just how I roll. Maybe I'll try going to Manhattan instead. The BX is wack for popping tags.
Photo: This here would be my baby shower cake...HAHAHAHAHAHAH

2. EH and I went to that baby shower last weekend and we did not die and/or burst into flames. We are beyond happy that it wasn't that bad. We enjoyed seeing all our old friends and even though the whole place was FILLED with babies...I was able to keep it together. Afterward we went to the Palisades Mall, aka SuperMall, and saw the new Ron Howard racing movie, which I enjoyed immensely. I'm hoping I can get EH to go get a racing outfit for sexy time...wink. To top it all off, EH agreed to sushi after the movie! I love sushi...I mean I really love it. I could eat it everyday. I tried to get him to have some actual sushi but I was not successful and he ate a chicken terriyaki meal instead. Is there a food that you love and your husband just refuses to eat and it drives you crazy!?

3. Got my latest thyroid tests back and my level is at a 0.99!! Below 1! Which is awesome in terms of fertility. I am still awaiting the results from those 12 vials of blood I donated last month. I'm getting a little miffed at this doctor's office and will probably go with another perinatologist if we do end up needing specialty care. I've called three times this week and only got to speak with the nurse on the third try, who cheerily told me that the results were in but that the doctor didn't review them yet...what the heck is he waiting for??!

4. EH and I are supposed to be going to a marriage workshop at our church tonight and I'm excited about it. It's hard to get EH to do anything with other people. He doesn't like to feel obligated to do anything so getting him to commit to events with other people is like pulling teeth.

Perinatal Bereavement Program-Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center

5. I was surfing the internets last week, checking on some blogs I like to follow, and came across a post on an event called Walk to Remember. It's a remembrance walk for parents who have lost babies due to early or late term miscarriage or stillbirth. I really wanted to do something like this to honor our little ones, UPS, FedEx and Little P, but I wasn't sure EH would be into it.

Yes, you read that right we did name our first two angels after those popular delivery companies. EH started it because he thought of our angels as special deliveries and then we took to calling them by the names of the actual companies. Little P is the only angel that actually got a normal name.

Sigh....I miss them and I miss those moments of expectant joy that we had.

I was surprised when he looked over my shoulder and said, "That looks good. We should do that." So, this weekend we're off to our very first Walk to Remember in upstate NY. I'm looking forward to meeting with other couples who we, unfortunately, have something in common with.

6. Now I really want some SUSHI....darn it.