Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Field of Flowers

I was musing last night about how I've all of a sudden begun to decorate my apartment when we're going to be leaving it in just a few months. This TTC life is making me so crazy that I'm taking it out on my apartment :-) I think I ovulated this month..but we chickened out and only BD'd once during my ovulation. What will be will be...

El Hubster has actually been banished from the bedroom for about two weeks now. He's snoring like a giant these days and it's kept me up every night...even if I go to bed first and get a head start. There are so many "cures" for snoring out there and  honestly we don't know what will ultimately work for him..short of losing a few pounds. So until we find a temporary solution...El Hubster is sleeping on the inflatable bed in the living room. Last night I watched him set it all up with his pillow and his comforter and I got the sense that he liked sleeping by himself! I was not pleased. I don't want him to get too comfortable being away from me.

I say all that to say...I'm the only one enjoying the art I'm about to share :-) unless there is a conjugal visit for insemination purposes. Ha!

My inspiration for this project was this one from Pinterest:

I loved the idea and felt it was something I, a painting amateur, could do. It's simply a large canvas, paint, making lines and circles. It wasn't rocket science. I assembled my materials:
A canvas that I bought for about $17 from Michaels...this was 18 x 22 in size I think but you can literally use whatever size canvas you want. And don't forget to put a tarp or something down to catch any drips.
I used the leftover paints I've been using for all of my art projects...
This time I added a paper plate to hold my paints and bought a cheap pack of small brushes, which you can get at most 99-cent stores, and a small inexpensive bottle of black acrylic paint to make my stems. You don't need much of the acrylic paint..maybe a drop the size of a quarter.
First, I brushed the whole canvas with my base color--Barely Beige by Benjamin Moore. I let that dry (about 10 minutes with the living room window open). I strayed a bit from my inspiration here because I decided I wanted to have a little grass on the bottom of my canvas. I used my largest brush and brushed up and down across the canvas and let it dry for another 10 minutes.
Second, I used one of my small brushes (the size of a pen/pencil) to make lines of different lengths across the canvas.You can make them as long as you like! Acrylic paint dries pretty fast but wait at least 2-3 minutes for your sticks to dry so you don't get any bleed through on your "abstract" flowers. I went over to my paper plate, sampled my turquoise paint (with a different brush) and added circles on top of the lines. Just make a circle with your brush by swirling the a circle. See, so easy!
 After a while, I had added more lines of different lengths and used my other colors(each paint color had its own brush) to make circles. It's pretty haphazard and there was no rhyme or reason as to what stick went where. If it looks good to you, it's where it's supposed to be! You can see that I started to make my sticks branch off eventually.
And here's the finished product! I love it and I can't wait to take it with us to our new place.

I've always been a lover of art..but not so much a lover of the price of good art. I only learned this year that I could make my own and save tons of money! I'm probably really late to this party. If you use a larger canvas...who can tell you it didn't come from a shi-shi foo-foo gallery?

I also added some DIY art to the living room...I went on a Marshall's spree and found a very beautiful Ralph Lauren scarf that matched my color only $12. I had some picture frames on hand that had been holding some scrapbook paper that I didn't love. So, I promptly cut up the pretty scarf and framed it.
The colors sort of blend into one another and provide a little texture for the wall.

Go forth and paint!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Feeling Blah...

I'm having one of those days of despair's gloomy project to do....haven't studied in about a week..don't seem to be up for it. Not even Pinterest can cheer me up. Really and truly want to lay in my couch and sleep and watch television all day and ugly cry just cause I can.

I finally got a positive OPK yesterday and for a minute I was overjoyed! Does this mean I'll actually ovulate on my own? Maybe we can do some baby dancing and see what happens. El Hubster turns to me in bed and says, "So, let's get down to business!" I react badly to this. The mood is almost ruined but we manage to get it back.

I'm completely preoccupied during.. thinking about..what if this is a poor quality egg? What if we get pregnant and the egg is bad and then I have another chemical pregnancy or blighted ovum because the egg was bad and then I have to go through another miscarriage and then we're set back another month or so? Is it even worth it? But then again, wouldn't it be great to conceive without the drugs if I could? Wouldn't it be great if my body actually did what it was designed to do?

So now I'm sitting here scared that I could get pregnant and scared that I won't...

El Hubster and I talk about "our baby" all the time..the things we won't be able to say anymore when it arrives, how we're going to organize the house to prepare for the baby, will we let our child watch television, preschool vs homeschool...this keeps us sane, keeps us hopeful and is also incredibly painful...talking about "our baby."

This past weekend at church, El Hubster was stuck on on our pastor's newborn son...literally I felt like if he could have inhaled the child he would have. He was that in love with this baby. I felt that familiar pang of pain.

I told him at the bus stop later that I didn't want to tell any of our friends and family about the baby until I was about 5 months along. I thought he would be shocked and tell me I was being ridiculous but he didn't. He agreed 100%. There will be no cute announcements on Facebook like we had planned with the first babies, no rushing to call parents until we know what's what. The whole conversation made me sad but I was glad we talked about it and glad that we're on the same page.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Happiness Is...

I've really been battling the depression monster. I've struggled with depression on and off for years and this infertility journey has made it exponentially harder to keep it at bay. So, I'm going to start posting things once a week that bring a smile to my face and lift my spirits! Yay!

Beginning with this...Dikembe is batting away the sadsies!!


And this really cool song from the American Authors...

Monday, March 18, 2013

Shelving the Plan..

Last week was very up and down for me....I thought we were starting Clomid and FINALLY getting this show on the road only to get a call from my RE telling me that I had a cyst and shouldn't take the Clomid until it resolves. So after taking one dose, I had to shelve the whole plan and have to wait until next month. My head is saying, "So....what if another cyst develops next month?? Am I ever gonna be able to start this thing?"

I decided that I would put the Clomid away and go back to my tried and true Vitex to ovulate. I have had a pregnancy using it in the past, though it didn't end well. I figured what could it hurt?... if I don't ovulate I'm on the Clomid next month anyway. If I do ovulate...yay for me!! I'm gonna take it for seven days and hope for the best. 

In the meantime, I've been focusing on studying for my social work licensing exam....I gotta tell you I love learning and hate studying so I'm approaching this studying time as "enrichment." I figure If I give it a new name it'll be more palatable. And anyway, it's something to do while I wait for my baby!

I'm also doing a lot of home improvement projects around the apartment. Including finally revamping our old, faithful bookcase. El Hubster and I both love reading and over time our bookcase has become a mess with both professional and personal books, books we read in college, self-improvement books, etc. You name it...we still had it. This was my inspiration:

I started by removing all of our books, and other crap that seems to congregate there despite my best efforts, and the shelves.

I gathered all my materials: leftover paint, painter's tape, a brush, a drop cloth and a ladder...because I'm vertically challenged and this bookcase is way taller than me. Next, I taped off the areas I didn't want to get paint on...

Then I rolled up my sleeves and got to work painting the inner and outer sides and top and bottom of the case. It took about an hour to paint everything...

El Hubster came home from work around this time and promptly stated, "I ain't painting Nothin' tonight!"
I have a tendency to take on home improvement projects at the most inopportune times and this drives El Hubster crazy. But he did bring me this!

Patty and Coco Bread!!!

I left the bookcase alone for a minute and got back to it this past weekend. I remembered a nice roll of gift wrapping paper I'd purchased with the bookcase in mind and decided that I would wallpaper the back of the bookcase instead of painting it. I'm your typical mercurial Gemini that needs to be able to change things at a moment's notice so I knew paper was better than paint in this case. I stuck it on with some double sided mounting tape.

I flubbed a little on the bottom of the paper but I knew our printer would eventually cover that area so...whatever. The paper is white and green with some texture to it and added a little fun to the bookcase so why not? I even got El Hubster to paint the shelves....under threat of withholding...Ha!

Noticed yesterday that I forgot to paint the bottom of the case so I'll probably tackle that today. Starting to come together...The shelves were painted front and back and took not even 30 minutes to dry.

Finally it all came together! I love how painting this bookcase has actually brightened up our living room...anything to dispel the gloom is just so worth it.

My next project will be to paint our dining table....It's this set from Ikea...pretty basic and super blah..

I'm probably going to faux dip the chair legs using Washi tape a la

Have you heard of Washi tape!? That thing is many different variations, so easily changeable.
Not sure what color yet maybe white to match the table..which I'll be doing this to...

We only have four chairs so it won't be this involved...I'm wondering if I really want to spend the time spray painting the chairs....because I'm lazy...we'll see. I'm definitely doing the table though. I'm not sure if I want to leave the table top natural or stain it a darker color but I will definitely be painting the table legs. I really love Scandinavian design, which is very light and airy and open so I'm cautious about introducing too many dark colors. Hopefully, our next place will actually have light coming through the windows.

I'm off to pee on a stick to see if I'm ovulating or about to be...ugh

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Kristen Stewart is My Homey

El Hubster and I trekked it up to Westchester to our RE at Sher Institute to discover our fate! I pat myself on the back for being upbeat and happy on the way there. I purposefully tried to not even think of why we were going and to instead look at it as a nice trip with El Hubster. That didn't last long!

First of all, it takes like two hours and two buses , each way, to get up there and I'm always wondering to myself why we picked an RE that was so far away from us when there is a perfectly good location in Manhattan. I chalk that up to craziness and also wanting to be treated by a Black female doctor. Something about her looking like me comforts me.

And let me tell you, this chick is BAD as in GOOD!... Doctor in the Army/Yale/Harvard Grad/Fertility Specialist. El Hubster places a high premium on credentials so he was pleased that she comes from such a great background. This woman really holds all of our (medical) hopes and dreams in her capable hands. In fact, we've placed her on such a high pedestal that we have to knock her down a peg. She's super expensive. We've got a $50 co-pay for every visit and a $50 co-pay for telephone conversations...YEEESH! El Hubster always teases me that he won't look her in the eye so that he doesn't have to pay a co-pay for seeing her. His humor is such a joy to me.

So, we get to the office a little early and go to a little cafe on the grounds to kill some time and, after all that traveling, we're starving! We eat some rice and chicken, drink some water and El Hubster cracks jokes to take my mind off the appointment. Finally we enter the office and I can already feel my anxiety rising. As soon as I get in I'm peeing in a cup. For anyone who's gone through this horrible journey, it seems like we're always peeing in a cup. We're shown into the ultrasound room and I strip down and take my seat on the table. This part is always so awkward. I look around and notice my "date" for the day already lubed up and ready to go!


El Hubster is sitting too far away from me and I make him sit next to the table so I can feel him there. He takes a moment to pull my shirt down over my butt so it's not showing and I love him for this. There are no secrets in this space but I love that he thought to protect my modesty.

Doc and her assistant come in, make small talk for a minute. She asks me how I am and I grunt and smile. I really want to be like, "I'm actually a bundle of nerves and would love for you to get this over with!"
She finally gets to it and it's uncomfortable. It's ALWAYS uncomfortable. I'm squeezing El Hubster's hand for dear life and he doesn't complain. Soon, she's moving the wand all up in my uterus and is explaining to us what she's seeing---NOTHING!! I breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for his mercy and favor. The only thing in my uterus was a small cyst that developed during my cycle, which the Doc assured me was "resolving."

My type A brain started calculating next steps immediately. I told Doc that I didn't ovulate last month and that I had been before I got on Metformin. Doc tells me that is strange because the Met is supposed to help me ovulate. I assure her that this is not the case and ask about next steps. I ain't tryin' to waste no time up in here! She tells me we can't start any meds until my cyst resolves. She orders some blood work to check the levels of my hormones to see if Clomid is warranted. Alright, GOOD! I hate when doctors don't listen to their patients and I was glad that she took my concern seriously. I have read miles of research on Metformin and its tendency to stop ovulation.

After El Hubster pays through the teeth for our appointment, we leave the office and I'm surprised that instead of feeling like this:

I feel like this:

El Hubster is confused and asks me,"Are we supposed to be happy now or no?" We've gotten this great piece of news! No more fibroids, clear uterus, go ahead and try to make a bambino and I can't muster the enthusiasm. I'm terrified of the TTC process. It proved to be so arduous the first time around. And even though it only took us two months to get pregnant..what a two months it was....I remember a lot of little fights, snapping at El Hubster, resenting him when he was too tired to have sex, practically mauling him one morning so that I could get my deposit before he went to work. Crying when the pee stick wasn't positive. And after that, the trauma of getting pregnant and finding out that our baby didn't develop. Did I want to go through that again?? Probably not but I want to add to our family so badly that I'm willing to do it all again.

Just got off the phone with the RE's office and it looks like my hormones were wrecked enough for me to start! I don't know if I should be happy or sad...I feel another creative project coming on.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Going Faster than a Roller Coaster...

Who gets this song reference?? Good ole' James Taylor. I love music from the 70s. Great era of songwriting and singers.

El Hubster and I went on a short, impromptu field trip after church yesterday! I'm always up for an adventure. It makes me feel acutely alive when we do something spontaneous. We decided to walk along Riverside Drive and came upon Grant's Tomb. El Hubster was a history major in undergrad so this was like an amazing time for him. The man LOVES everything about history and I'm always blown away when he starts talking about periods of history as if he were there.

We spent some time inside viewing the tombs of General Grant and his wife, Lucia. You can't help but feel reverence in a situation like that. Their resting place was just amazingly beautiful and peaceful. We walked around, hearing our whispers and footsteps echo off the cool marble, feeling the history of the place. We then went upstairs and viewed maps that pointed out all of the battles of the civil war, the war that made it possible for El Hubster and I to have the lives we have today. We marveled at the sacrifices made on behalf of African Americans and wondered what Black people who lived then would think of Black people now.

We took a trip to the visitor's center and played tourist for a while. We were surprised to find that the Grant Memorial was championed by an African American man. A newly-freed man who had joined General Grant's Presidential Cabinet and worked closely with him.  We both thought the experience would be perfect for future little ones.

After our visit, I thought of what a wonderful God we have. A God that makes miracles happen in perfect time. We spent the afternoon talking, laughing and reconnecting with each other. Literally, my favorite thing to do. El Hubster is by far my favorite human being in the world.

We really needed the interlude. At church that morning, our pastor brought in his newborn son to introduce him to the congregation. I felt such envy in their presence. So much so that I had to remove myself from the sanctuary and go sit by myself for a while. Envy and jealousy are just about the ugliest emotions one can have. I prayed that God would heal my heart and scrub my mind of those ugly thoughts. El Hubster came out soon after and gave me some much needed support and I was able to resume service.

We sang You Deserve the Glory and I could feel the truth of the words and hear the promise in them!!
Later that morning I was able to HOLD the baby, feeling his baby weight and smelling his baby smell with love; and the promise in my heart that I would soon be holding my own baby, feeling its baby weight and smelling its baby smell.

Tomorrow El Hubster and I are making the trek to Westchester to visit with our RE for the follow up ultrasound since my myomectomy in December. I'm really trying to look at the experience in a positive way, praying that my uterus is back to normal with no blemishes and no new fibroids!! I'm claiming 2013 AS OUR YEAR!!

I've been on Metformin for my PCOS since before the surgery but found last month that I didn't ovulate. I'm not pleased about that but I have read that can be a side effect of the drug. Which is ridiculous to me because how can it help me become pregnant, if it stops me from ovulating?! More than likely I'll have to get some kind of ovulation trigger like Clomid to help it along. Can I just say infertility sucks!!? It's in the odd moments that I'm mourning the loss of what could have been---a normal unassisted pregnancy, a normal labor and delivery.

I keep trying to tell myself that God has made a way for us, has illuminated our minds so that we're no longer clueless about my fertility. We're not stumbling around in the dark and dank basement, we've got a flashlight now...and soon we'll be going faster than a roller coaster.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Art Therapy

I love me some Pinterest. I spend at least 15 minutes a day perusing the art and home decor sections trying to get ideas for my current apartment and trying to really iron out my style. It really does help that all of my nutty ideas are in one place.

This morning I set out to spruce up my apartment with some DIY art. I dabbled in DIY art a few years ago and it turned out great but I just hadn't had the itch to get creative until this week. With all the craziness going on in my extended family right now, I needed a creative outlet. After doing some Pinterest research I settled on doing an abstract art project and another using painters tape. I visited Michael's yesterday and purchased my canvases. I was able to get two double packs (2 for 1 sale!!!). Stopped by the dollar store this morning and bought some paint brushes. Most of all I was excited to use the leftover house paint that has been sitting under my kitchen sink for months.

First up was my painter's tape art; I used this image as inspiration

Unfortunately, my canvas wasn't this long so I had to improvise a little. I wish I could say that I took pics along the way but no such luck. When I get excited, my mind doesn't work well. So first , I taped off a design that I liked, there really wasn't any rhyme or reason to it. Then I got out my paints and my brushes and filled in the spaces. I was left with these beauties:

The photo really doesn't do it justice. These little things have brightened up our living room so much. We only have one window in our living room and it's off center, which means there's a whole half of the room that gets no light :-(  I really need light in my life.

My next project was for our bedroom. We moved to our current place last August and haven't touched the bedroom. Since all we do is sleep in there, It didn't seem like painting was necessary. We were so wrong. It's drab, depressing and not the sanctuary I would've liked it to be. I won't make the same mistake in our next place.

So, I got out my next two pack of canvases and set to work with the same colors, using this as inspiration:

I swirled each color onto the canvas first and then blended the colors together using my brush. Then I alternated swirling and blending with each individual color until I was happy with it. Ended up with this:

Now they're hanging over our headboard. They're calming and they add some color :-)  I think I might actually redo this project using a much larger canvas in the next few weeks and place the smaller ones somewhere else in the room. I really am SO proud of myself because I am not an artist! I really can't draw to save my life. I think this is why I've always been drawn to abstract art.

Bonus project: El Hubster and I have been collecting movie ticket stubs since we met way back when in 2006! I've had them sitting in a zip lock bag just waiting for a way to use them in our space. I finally decided I would use them to make art we could look at every day. I used this as my inspiration:

On the same trip to Michaels (geez Michaels!! Has anyone ever gotten out of Michaels in less than two hours??) I picked up some popcorn themed scrapbook paper and mounted it to a poster sized frame. Then I mounted each ticket on top and hung it up. Not the best picture but...Easy peasy!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Mother Loss

I'm reflecting this morning on motherhood and what type of mother I'll be. I really want to approach this time with hope and not fear. Most of my life was filled with fear. I grew up in a home where I was seen and not heard, as is the way in most Caribbean families. Needless to say, this is NOT the way to raise a healthy, whole child.

My parents took it upon themselves to argue and fight throughout most of my childhood and on more than one occasion my father would beat my the car, in the bedroom, in the living room...I was relieved when they finally divorced when I was 15. My mother immediately married a man who clearly wanted a green card. Being the intelligent child that I was, I told her this might be the case only to be laughed at and accused of trying to ruin her relationship. So I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and said not a word for three years as he moved in and tried to become my father. He would harangue my brother and I about cleaning, laundry...anything really and then he would take pictures of us. Clothed pictures of us but pictures while we were sleeping. I never really knew why but I have my theories. After listening in many a hushed conversation between this man and his lover, he was finally caught cheating, but not before I would have to stand between he and my mother as she tried to stab him with a butcher knife or deal with the fall out as my brother began to act out. By this time she had given birth to another child, my youngest brother. He was the only good thing to come out of the marriage but you wouldn't know that by the way my mother reacted to him.

You see, my mother simply did not know how to be a mother. She was comfortable with having babies but did not know how to relate to children once they began to talk. As my youngest brother grew, she changed her nursing schedule to overnight, which meant that she worked all night and slept all day. I was left to be both mother and sister to my brothers. I ironed clothes, packed lunches, checked homework, taught them how to read. And listened patiently as my mother told me seriously that she hated my brothers, especially my youngest one. I was shocked. Did mothers say these things?  Was this allowed?

When  I was 18, soon after the divorce from her second husband, she promptly sent my younger brother to live with her relatives in her home country. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I hated her for this. How dare she break up my family? And really, it was my family. She blamed me for her decision. If I wanted him to stay then why didn't I give up living at college and stay at home with him? I didn't bite. I was 18 and freedom was in the air. I was selfish for the first time.

I am thankful to my mother for many things. She kept a roof over our heads, she fed us and clothed us but that's where the mothering ended. We were accessories to her. To be taken out and shown off at her leisure. She never took us to the movies, or to the zoo, or ice skating, or to the park. That was my job.

During my time in college she would manipulate me into coming home for the weekends so that she could go out and get drunk with her friends. She used the funds I had made from a summer job to put a down payment on our first house. She called me unmentionable names at work when I refused to co-sign a credit card application with her. She used the money I'd been saving up for a trip to Italy to put a down payment on her second house. She sent me nasty text messages during the week of my wedding, calling me every name in the book and still showed up at the wedding and smiled for the pictures. She manipulated me into co-signing on a mortgage for her current home. What wouldn't a daughter do for her mother?

I've had years of therapy trying to come to terms with my mother loss. It's an entirely different kind of mother loss. My mother is alive. She is here, and at the same time, not here. I haven't spoken with my mother face to face since my wedding day two years ago. Every now and then the tentacles of our past together will get tangled and I'll receive a phone call from her asking me if I've paid a student loan bill. A student loan bill and a mortgage is what we have between us. It's sad. It's devastating. And I wonder how I can mother through that lens.

Before our struggles with infertility I wondered whether I could be a good and capable mother. Yes, I mothered my siblings but I did so with resentment and anger. With such an example of motherhood, Would I love my child? Could I love my child?

I'm blessed to say that this is no longer a concern of mine. I believe God has given me this struggle so that there will be no doubt in my mind when I hold my child in my arms that he/she will be safe, loved, cherished, mothered.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Dark Night of the Soul

Last night was a doozy.

I emailed a friend of mine yesterday just to see how she was doing. She's been riding the infertility roller coaster for much longer than I have and now has a little boy just over 1year old. I thank God for her success because it means there may be hope for me yet. So, I emailed to see how her second round of treatments is going and imagine my surprise. SHE'S HAVING TWINS!! I felt such joy for her. I know how long she's struggled, how long she'd prayed for the first miracle and now God has given her two more additions to her family. I thought about how great it was that my absolute best friend in the world was also pregnant. She too has had losses and it is gratifying to see that her dreams are coming true. After being told by her GYN that she had the eggs of a menopausal woman, things got very real for her. She's not in the place where she would like to be in bringing a child into the world but, I gotta tell you, infertility makes you ready. If God could pass His hand over my stomach right now and make me pregnant, I would say Please and Thank You!

So, you'll understand how shocked I was when my joy turned to absolute despair. I sat back on the couch while El Hubster and I were watching television and started to think. I got hit hard with my own doubts and fears..what if it doesn't happen for me? Am I getting excited about the possibility of motherhood only to be crushed in the end?

I confess I'm a bottler of emotions. I can go and go for weeks on end not thinking about anything that will make me emotional but it always catches up to me. I wanted to avoid a total breakdown so I decided to get off my ass and out of the house for some me time. I hit up El Hubster for some cash and went out to breakfast,  had a pedicure and then to Barnes & Noble where I knew I could find solace surrounded by the things I love the most. And I did find solace..for a while. I came home high on hope and ready to post on that.

And then I got an invitation for a baby shower for one of the women at my church. I know it seems minor but it was the literal straw that broke MY back. The thought of sitting around celebrating even more baby joy made me sick. I was so relieved when I saw that I had a licensing review course on that day...all day. I was thankful for that because that meant I wouldn't have to lie when I declined the invitation.

I immediately texted El Hubster and told him I wasn't going. Now, El Hubster is not the most social of people. In fact, he can be downright antisocial at times. So, I was surprised when he told me that he would go and represent both of us. Bless him. I didn't want to put a damper on what is a happy occasion for my church friend.

When El Hubster got home he suggested we go to a late night diner near us and relax for a while...maybe have a pastry. He's always up for a pastry!! We get to the diner and are seated at a booth. El Hubster and I spend a lot of time gabbing about politics and our days and all seems right with the world. At some point I look over and see that there's a happy Black couple seated near us with their infant daughter. She's dressed all in pink; pink dress, pink hairband, pink socks. I begin to lose it in the diner, crying hysterically. El Hubster
comes around to my side of the booth to comfort me and also to make sure I don't cause a scene that I'll regret later. My mind is screaming. My heart is screaming. How Long! How Long! How Long? How Long will I have to wait for my promise?

I'm crying because I see US in that happy Black couple. The grass is always greener. Who knows what they're going through or have been through. But in that moment they are happy. They are a family. It was only after the couple left with their bundle of joy that I was able to get myself together. I felt bad about how I reacted. It's not in my nature to be emotional in public. But I'm a bottler. When you bottle things up and mishandle them, they explode.

I imagine that God is going through all of this with me. I want to feel that He is by my side, His arm over my shoulder, shushing me and patting my back. It is in these moments that I realize I need Him more than ever if I'm going to get through this. And Believe Me infertility is something to get through.

El Hubster and I became Christian together about five years ago. We church shopped trying to find a place to belong. We finally found a place at the recommendation of an acquaintance and instantly felt at home. At the time, the pastor asked us how we had come to faith. El Hubster was a Catholic in his younger years, which is the affiliation of most Dominicans, but had been searching for something "more solid" for years. I was into everything but Christianity. It was our love for each other that led us to Faith. We couldn't believe that two very different people could meet and fall in love...who else could have done that but God?

Recently, the church that has fed us for three years has had some changes and is no longer feeding us spiritually. We have grown in our Christian journey and realize that we need more than a sermon on Sunday. Church has become routine and less and less relevant for us as time has gone on. We're still figuring out how to navigate these new feelings and preserve our faith. We don't know what this will look like as they're aren't that many options in our neighborhood but we're committed to exploring together.

This post was a doozy....had to get it out..

In other news, here's a pic of my pedicure...