This morning I stayed in the bed past my alarm at 9am. My bed has become my safe place. When I'm asleep I don't have to think about whether or not I'm pregnant. I can keep that running, torturous dialogue at bay as long as I stay under the covers.
I'm having a few symptoms but after past disappointments, I no longer trust my body and its sensations. This makes me very sad because it means my various twinges, steamy dreams, odd pains, hunger and bloating could just be normal premenstrual stuff and not the precursor for the child I desperately want.
El Hubster and I are finally getting away to Canada for a few days so at least I'll have a relaxing trip as a distraction. I think the mountain air and being outside and eating fatty French food will do me good.
The truth is I've never been very good at living in the moment. The TTC process is ALL about living in the moment...taking each day as it comes. It's something I've struggled with since I was a child. I always felt I had to be one step ahead of danger and/or disappointment because I never knew what the day would bring...whether or not my needs would be met.
You would think after years of therapy I'd have overcome this obstacle but getting to a place where I can find comfort in unpredictability is a slow climb at best. El Hubster ONLY lives in the moment so I guess that's another reason why we're a good match.
I visited my regular doctor the other day and I told the assistant that I was in my two week wait...she had no idea what I was talking about and that annoyed me. I had to explain it to her and then she asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I declined because it's way too soon to tell and I really would just be setting myself up to feel bad.
Oh Lord, I'm frustrated and exasperated. Only YOU can do this! I've done everything on my end this month, now it's time for you to SHOW UP and SHOW OUT.