Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Source: cb2.com
I'm 7dpo today, a smidge over the halfway point of the two week wait aka two weeks of despair and/or hope.

This morning I stayed in the bed past my alarm at 9am. My bed has become my safe place. When I'm asleep I don't have to think about whether or not I'm pregnant. I can keep that running, torturous dialogue at bay as long as I stay under the covers.

I'm having a few symptoms but after past disappointments, I no longer trust my body and its sensations. This makes me very sad because it means my various twinges, steamy dreams, odd pains, hunger and bloating could just be normal premenstrual stuff and not the precursor for the child I desperately want.

El Hubster and I are finally getting away to Canada for a few days so at least I'll have a relaxing trip as a distraction. I think the mountain air and being outside and eating fatty French food will do me good.

The truth is I've never been very good at living in the moment. The TTC process is ALL about living in the moment...taking each day as it comes. It's something I've struggled with since I was a child. I always felt I had to be one step ahead of danger and/or disappointment because I never knew what the day would bring...whether or not my needs would be met.

You would think after years of therapy I'd have overcome this obstacle but getting to a place where I can find comfort in unpredictability is a slow climb at best. El Hubster ONLY lives in the moment so I guess that's another reason why we're a good match.

I visited my regular doctor the other day and I told the assistant that I was in my two week wait...she had no idea what I was talking about and that annoyed me. I had to explain it to her and then she asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I declined because it's way too soon to tell and I really would just be setting myself up to feel bad.

Oh Lord, I'm frustrated and exasperated. Only YOU can do this! I've done everything on my end this month, now it's time for you to SHOW UP and SHOW OUT.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex...BABY!

It's National Infertility Awareness Week...and since this blog is partly about infertility...I'm ahead of the game!! In honor of this special week I'm gonna talk about sex..YAY...BLEH! I'm partly writing about this to keep myself accountable and for any other poor soul that may stumble on this blog one day and find it helpful.

Begin at the Beginning

El Hubster and I didn't meet in a traditional way. In fact, we are both members of two nationalities that rarely, if ever, interact. He was raised in a predominantly Dominican neighborhood in Inwood, I in a predominantly Jamaican neighborhood in Brooklyn. Never the twain shall meet! So, MySpace to the rescue.

So a crazy, Dominican, ex-cigarette and pot smoking, Grateful deadhead (still!!), bodybuilder met a Jamaican, sheltered, broken, neurotic, intellectual and it was MAGIC. El Hubster likes to remind me that when we met I didn't know what a Dominican was...and he was right. It only took us three dates to fall into bed...gasp! and he wasn't the aggressor...it was me...double gasp! Our sex life was rocking for that first year. We were in that first flush of love and lust and after maybe two months we were already talking about marriage. We moved in together at the end of our first year together and embarked on a roller coaster ride of life---a horrible first apartment experience followed by serious depression after I lost my job followed by both of us going to grad school AT THE SAME TIME. Our previously hot sex life was virtually non-existent at this point.

When we decided to finally get married we recommitted ourselves to celibacy and didn't have sex for a year before our marriage in 2010. Needless to say, the honeymoon was off the chain!

With all of the things we'd been through, we went from twice a day sex to twice a week sex. We found our own groove and twice a week seemed to work well for us. I admit I often wondered if we were having sex too little compared to our friends but after much thought (and a few arguments) about it, we decided that we were doing it just enough for us.

Infertility Monster

After our first miscarriage, during my internship from hell, my sex drive plummeted. We threw ourselves into TTC and had sex every other day for three months. After the second miscarriage, it went to sex twice a month. Yep....twice A MONTH! I felt horrible because I just wasn't into it and angry because he didn't seem to mind. He has never once said to me, "We're not having enough sex." So we would argue about that. I was so traumatized by the loss that I couldn't ever imagine sex being enjoyable in any way.

I was soon diagnosed with PCOS and fibroids, went ahead to have surgery to remove the fibroids and had a  6 week recovery with no sex. Surprisingly my sex drive returned full force after the surgery. I now believe that my crazy hormone imbalance was the culprit for my low libido all along. So now I'm rearing to go and he's.....not. We're still having sex twice a month...SIGH.

Now that we're back in TTC mode again, we're finding it hard to get back in the saddle. Are we having sex because we want to or because we have to? More often than not, it's the latter. By the time he gets home from long days at the office or giving an evening workshop, he's dog tired and wants to eat, watch TV and sleep in that order. I spend my day cleaning, exercising, preparing dinner and trying to keep depression at bay. By the time we get around to looking at each other our lustful eyes are drooping from sheer exhaustion and it's midnight.

I spent a lot of time blaming El Hubster for our lack of sex or enjoyment of sex but I've never taken into account that he might be traumatized. Here is a man that has also gone through two miscarriages, dealt with my crazy mood swings, shook in his boots while his wife was being operated on, nursed me at home during my recovery and now has to have sex or manually stimulate himself on command! Needless to say, I have a new found  appreciation for what he's going through.

Infertility is hard...for both of us. We both have to make an extra effort to make sex fun and enjoyable again. We spent most of last night talking about how we can reclaim our sex life from the infertility monster. Here are some things we came up with:

  • Turn off the television. This is the single biggest sex distractor in our home. We both enjoy television and have shows that we watch together. The television is major stress relief for us but it's killing our sex life. It's going off at 10pm from now on.
  • Turn off the electronic devices. This includes his grateful dead message boards and my Facebook support groups and Pinterest lurking. El Hubster and I are super techies and we love to know what's going on immediately...all the time. You can find us sitting on the couch refreshing our twitter feeds most nights. This is not cute. We've decided to surrender them at 10pm as well. I'm hoping to surrender twitter at 6pm eventually.
  • Keep up with date night. Date night has always been important for us but we've let it slack of late. Now that we have a car...we have no excuse for this. We are taking back Friday nights for ourselves..even if it means going to a worship service or to Home Depot (which is a lot of fun for us....errr...me).
  • Keep it spicy. I hate being bored...especially with sex. I'm hoping we can commit ourselves to being more adventurous and trying new things. I am going to make a sincere effort not to come to bed in pajamas...with my socks still on...and ashy legs. I'm realizing more and more that romance is a foreign concept for most men and El Hubster is no exception. They don't quite understand that women need to be warmed up physically, mentally and emotionally before sex. And no matter how many times I try to drive this point home, it doesn't stick. I need to find a book for him to read so he can get it!
I can't imagine finally having the family we've always wanted and losing each other in the process. I won't stand for that.

Now, I'm off to Home Depot because suddenly I'm getting the itch to go.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Feelin' Some Kind of Way

Went to see SuperDoc again today...in our CAR!! Yay!!! We got lost at least twice on the way because my husband is stubborn and Dominican and refuses to listen to the GPS...even though he has NO IDEA where he's going. And this is the first time we've been up there without it raining cats and dogs.

SuperDoc measured my follies and told me that there was one developing on my right and left ovary...I guess that's good news. I've got to go back again on Friday to measure them again and give more blood for a hormone check...and will probably have to go back on Monday as well.

I don't think I realized how emotionally difficult this would be. I'm really tryin' to push on but I'm feeling some kind of way...

We visited our old church  last Saturday night for the birthday party of one of the pastors that we really liked. It was a very nice surprise birthday party planned by his adult children and it came together very well. So, El Hubster and I are hanging out in the lobby talking to a few folks, saying goodbye to a few people we didn't see last Sunday and I'm chillin' trying to keep myself under control as much as possible (I was two days into Clomid by this point).

My old Pastor (whose wedding I planned and who I sat on a Community Board with) and another Board Member step to me and say, "You look so rested! Doesn't she look rested?!" "This is what happens when you can drop everything and just disappear!"


And then the Pastor, who I consider a friend/acquaintance, says to me, "I don't know how you do it. How do you spend your days?"

Oh I don't know, lemme see.......I was busy having two miscarriages (while I sat on YOUR Community Board), a myomectomy and six-week recovery, keeping track of ten different pills a day and their dosing schedules, and going to White Plains three times a week to get my vag probed!

But what really came out was: "I'm studying for my social work licensing exam." The stock answer that El Hubster has advised I say when people ask this dumb ass question!

I wish it ended there....another Ex-Pastor's wife, who I haven't seen in a good long while, sees me and says, "You've lost a lot of weight haven't you?"

Errrrrrrrr.....I guess so.

Then she scoots over to me and asks, "Tell me how you did that?"


Ummm...I'm exercising and eating a little better....

........and taking medication that dulls my appetite so that my PCOS acts right so I can have a baby with my husband!!!

Why are people so stupid? And why do people feel they have the right to be so invasive?? If someone loses weight, notice it and move on. There is NO NEED to approach someone and congratulate them on it or ask how they did it.

Keep Steppin'. You. Are. Rude.

I've never understood this concept. I'm not a person that shares everything with everyone so I just don't get it. People are entitled to privacy in their thoughts and deeds. Not everything needs to be explained.

It really makes me wish I could remove the veil and be completely and totally honest with folk. How would they react if they knew I struggled to get out of bed some mornings? That having sex with my husband is emotionally draining at times and fills me with guilt? That most of the time I don't even want to be around people?

As the night went on I just got more and more irritated and we left before the cake was cut...I just couldn't deal with all these people and their small talk conversations. I hate small talk....if I was being questioned by the FBI all they would have to do is small talk me to death and I would tell them everything.

Ok, rant over. I need to go see The Place Beyond The Pines with Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper.....that trailer is crazy and I love a man on a motorcycle...

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Clomid Crazies!

I've had CNN on all day today and it is terrifying the kind of world we live in....this is America's new reality. Watching the television you would think the scene was from Israel or Palestine but nope...it's friggin Boston, Massachusetts. I really wish the human race could get itself together. The way that we senselessly kill each other and the way that the media sensationalizes it....SMDH.

I had a dream last night in which I was getting ready to marry Kim Kardashian....yep. In the dream this chick was spending way too much money on the wedding and I had to check her MAD HARD...and then I woke up. My social worker/therapist mind has interpreted this dream as my way of symbolically merging with Kim because she's very visibly pregnant these days...crazy right?

Today I'll be taking the last dose of Clomid...hopefully it will be the end of the crazies for me. I have been so irritated since I've been on the medication. I'm usually pretty impatient normally but I have turned into a MONSTER. I literally am angry as soon as El Hubster gets through the door. Ranting at him about taking care of household chores and getting the taxes done on time and AREN'T you the head of this household!? 

I literally feel like I'm being possessed because once I start spewing I can't stop. It's like every thing about him that ever annoyed me is coming to a head. Needless to say, I will be happy to return to the minimally neurotic, type A, nice girl I used to be. Tomorrow we're headed up to see SuperDoc for my follow up ultrasound...ugh..I hate this process so much but I have to keep telling myself all the discomfort is for a good cause.

In other news....El Hubster and I visited a new church this past Sunday and we are so happy with it. We loved the worship. The sermon was contemporary and relevant and practical (I'm very big on practicality in church because if i can't apply what you're saying to my every day life that's a FAIL). I'm a big crier and literally three minutes into worship I was bawling with relief. I totally felt like I was being cleansed of all the pain I'd been holding on to for so long. So, we'll be going back and probably joining as soon as we're able! This is the first time I've looked forward to going to church in a long time. Count it all Joy!

Friday, April 12, 2013


Had a visit with SuperDoc today. El Hubster wasn't able to come with me this time and I missed him terribly. Did I mention that every time I go to see the RE it rains...? What is that about? I like to think of it as good luck because isn't it good luck when it rains on your wedding day? Same concept, right?

Anywho, I packed my kindle with my latest addiction, Game of Thrones, and prepared for the long ass bus ride up there (I won't have to take the bus in the future because El Hubster's father has gifted us with his old one!! We are now wheeled people!) I got there early and had some time to have a little breakfast. I was anxious, hoping there wasn't another cyst hiding in my uterus...keeping me from my dream.

I finally get in the exam room and I'm sitting there naked from the waist down but feeling even more naked emotionally. By the time SuperDoc enters the room, my hands are shaking. SuperDoc gets right down to business. She knows why I'm here. Minutes later I'm given the ALL CLEAR! No cysts on either ovary.  I said my thanks, put on my undies, had some blood drawn and walked out into the rain.

This girl is ready to pop some Clomid!!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

A Time For Everything

Last night I was standing in the kitchen simultaneously cooking dinner and washing the dishes. I had been sitting on our couch for most of the day reading and watching television, thinking about my negative pregnancy tests. I took three of them this past week. I told myself that I wasn't really trying but aren't we always trying? I started to play the blame game with myself. If you had eaten better....if you had lost more weight....if you hadn't waited until you were 30...it went on and on and on.

When I start to get like this the only help is distraction, getting busy, using my hands. It's why I'm a dynamo at cleaning a house or doing a home improvement project. I took myself out of the house yesterday to do some laundry. What a difference it made to get out of the house for a little while. I watched an episode of a baby story with an African American couple where the mother had a stillborn and another miscarriage before taking a daughter home. I thought to myself, "geez, I couldn't deal with that...wonder how she did that?" Her husband was super supportive. This woman was on bed rest for most of her pregnancy. He put together the nursery and stocked it. When it came time for her scheduled c-section you could see the fear in his eyes. I knew exactly what he was feeling...something could still go wrong, this is too good to be true.

I fight fear and doubt every day. Sometimes I don't succeed and end up a sniveling mess over the kitchen sink crying big, heaving, ugly tears. I don't even know what specifically set me off...was it the episode I watched? was it the children running around in the laundromat? was it the announcement that my good friend's baby is a boy? It was all of these things. A culmination of sorrows.

My husband walked through the door to find me a mess, crying in the kitchen. I had thrown myself into cooking lasagna and cleaning...because I wanted to feel like a woman. It was strange because I'm definitely not a "traditional" woman in the sense that I applaud working women but I do value the importance of staying home if you can. I know these feelings of unworthiness come from my own lack of mothering. The scars are deep and painful and they spur me on to have my own children, re-write the wrongs and do it better.

When I finally calmed myself down, we had a good dinner, had  a great talk about where we are right now. I started to feel grateful  for all the blessings I do have instead of the ones I haven't received yet. El Hubster's favorite phrase for me is "We're on track, gal!" It speaks to my type A personality's need to be working toward a goal.

I learned that I'm gonna have really shitty days and I shouldn't beat myself up for it
I learned that I am capable of feeling joy
I learned that I am blessed to have such a support at home
I learned that I am blessed to be able to stay at home during this time

I took comfort from Ecclesiastes 3:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Strange Dreams, Early to Rise, Maybe??

Woke up this morning at 6:20AM HUNGRY as all get out! Since I started the Metformin, hunger has been missing in action for quite some time so this was very strange. I've been eating like Miss Piggy for the past week. Literally, if you put it in front of my face, I will eat it. Also strange are the pulls and twinges I've been getting in my abdomen and my boobs for about a week now, and the dreams I've been having recently that have to do with my father.

Last night I dreamed that El Hubster and I went to Cancun again and met up with my dad and some members from his side of the family. I was pissed because he didn't tell me they were going on a family trip and didn't invite me. I don't have the tightest relationships with my extended family and this is something that has been in the back of my mind for years. Anyway, in the dream my dad and I had a real heart-to-heart talk, the kind we would never have in real life....because..well, he's Jamaican...nuff said.

Earlier this week, I had a dream with my dad, brother and I at the beach on a beautiful summer day. We were getting along and being genuine with each other, which hardly ever happens. After a bit, I started to feel a strong sense of foreboding and was trying to convince them that we had to get in the car and leave right away. We got in the car and started driving away as a tsunami hit the beach.....crazy right!?!

I'm a little freaked out and a little excited because these are the same symptoms I had with my most recent pregnancy. I've been having very mild queasiness but I wrote that off because since my myo I've been having nausea before my cycle starts.

The key indicator here is the waking up hella early....I love to sleep and usually rise at 9am..with the assistance of an alarm clock. In my last pregnancy I woke up at 5 or 6 every morning without fail. It didn't matter if I had gone to sleep at 1 AM, I would still get up feeling "super" refreshed at 5 or 6 AM.

Anyway, took a pregnancy test last night and it was...Negative...BOOOOOOOO!! I definitely tested too damn early.

In the meantime, this is my FALL Back and Chill Out song....

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A Trip to the Museum

El Hubster and I took a trip to the museum last week to celebrate the fluke of warm weather we had this past Saturday...now it's freezing again in NYC!

I'm really starting to lament the "not-coming" of Spring. I miss the sun soooo much. I'm an island girl and I never quite got with the NYC climate even though I've been here for most of my life.

El Hubster and I got our lazy butts up and went to the Met...look at the throngs of people on the steps!

We started out with a mustard covered pretzel...I'd never even had one before! El Hubster shook his head at me in dismay.
I totally gobbled up the one he bought for himself and we ended up having to get two.

We saw some really cool art and artifacts like:
 El Hubster to me: "Tell me that's not a Black man!"
I loved this one...finally someone that looks like me!
Egyptian fashion..I would totally buy those gold slippers and the gold finger tips! 
I love a good Monet...his work is so soothing...
Found this large-scale abstract art in the Modern Art section..El Hubster says to me: "You can do that!"
And I was like: "You're right!"

We ended up getting a nice poster from the gift shop and had such a great time. Our visit was cut short...I wanna say we spent two hours in there...because El Hubster was "hungry"....story of our lives....

Monday, April 1, 2013

I Have a Perfectly Good Child at Home

I'm watching HGTV as I write this post. HGTV is one version of crack for me...the other is Pinterest.

Anyway, had a hilarious conversation with El Hubster last night that I couldn't wait to share. Keep in mind that he is a 32-year-old man.

EH: (in 3 year old whiny boy voice) Sweetie, look at this.
Me: What is it?
EH: (still in whiny voice) Just look at it.
Me: (rolls eyes) Ok, what is it?
EH: Look.

I notice he has a bruise on top of his forehead, no doubt from scratching his head like it's going out of style.

Me: You scratched that didn't you? What did I tell you about scratching your head like that? You're scratching too hard. Don't do that?
EH: What does it look like?
Me: It looks like a bump or a cut.
EH: I want you to pop it.
Me: No, we don't need to pop it. Go put some neosporin on it or something.
EH: But I want you to pop it.
Me: I'm not popping it.
EH: (picks up cell phone) Here, take a picture of it.
Me: Why?
EH: Because I wanna see it.
Me: Why do you need to see it?
EH: Because I want to.

I've been around the block with this dude on his various ailments and knew I wouldn't win the battle to not take a picture. I spend 5 minutes trying to take a picture of the boil/bump/cut on his head.

Me: Ok, here (shows him photo)
EH: Why is there so much skin showing...am I going bald?
Me: Um, yeah. You've been going bald for a while.
EH: No, I'm not.
Me: Yes you are, honey. Your dad is bald. You're gonna go bald in exactly the same way.
EH: (quietly)I hate you.
Me: I hate you too.