Great Expectations

  

Sooooo... I was expecting to write a very different post today. Our week started out a little rough with my first beta HCG level. It was higher than SuperDoc expected it to be at 1544, so that was good news. Then I went in again on Wednesday and the level came back at 2068, which is barely doubled, so that was not so much good news. I spent the day in rivers of tears, already mourning the life I thought I was losing.

EH decided to stay home with me on Thursday. We spent the day watching movies and stuffing our faces. Then he had the bright idea that we should go out and get some air. I revolted. I wanted to stay on the couch in my pre-grief state. He eventually got me to go out by allowing me to wear my sweats and my night shirt under my jacket. We finally get to Staples, to buy an ink cartridge for our printer, and I literally could not get out of the car. I felt like I shouldn't be outside and my body agreed with me. He opened the car door for me and I started wailing like a child throwing a major tantrum. Screaming my apologies for my behavior and telling him I just wanted it out! He finally got back in the car after a few minutes and we sat in there in the Staples parking lot while I wailed. Eventually we made it to Staples.

We got an email from SuperDoc that asked us to come in this morning so that she could make sure everything was OK and that we weren't having an ectopic pregnancy. When we got home from the Staples Meltdown I fell into a blissful sleep and woke up with a more positive outlook. We decided that if we lost this baby we would take a few months off and start IVF next year, which is amazing in itself, because we balked at the price and really believed we'd never be able to swing it. Now EH is talking about payment plans and wanting to know everything about IVF land.

It's hard to let a dream go, I guess.

That night, I went to bed early and I whispered, "Help" in the dark. I asked God to help me deal with the next day, whatever the outcome.

Today, I gave blood and then EH and I sat in the exam room in silence. We were both anxious to know what the deal was with this pregnancy. He told me his new motto is: "There's no use being positive." I told him that was pretty sad even for him but I recognize that that's how he protects himself.

So we saw the sac sitting there in my uterus, it's too early to see anything else at this point. We were relieved but we knew the true number that mattered was the HCG number. EH dropped me home. I made about 10 trips to the bathroom to pee which signaled to me that my symptoms were getting stronger. Between trips I was passed out asleep on the couch. Finally SuperDoc's office called and told us the number had doubled. It went up by about 5000 points to 7146.

HCG numbers are tricky things. They're subjective but what they signify is HUGE. A decreasing HCG almost always means trouble. A number that isn't increasing as it should is more ambiguous. But we've been here before.

We don't know where it's going to go from here but Faith, Faith, Faith....