Giving Thanks

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EH and I really aren't that into holidays. I was actually appalled that stores were opening on Thanksgiving so that folks could shop instead of spend quality time with their families. Thanksgiving is a sacred time for me. We never really celebrated it when I was growing up. Either my mother was working or we were too far away (i.e. too lazy) to visit extended family. I only really got into the holiday when I got married.

Usually we hustle on over to my in-laws house, sit around for a couple of hours watching football and the Godfather marathon and then stuff our faces. This year I was overcome with the desire to be with some of my family as well. So on Thanksgiving day I made a couple of pumpkin pies and we drove to Brooklyn to spend a little time with my brother and my dad.

I had never seen my dad's place until that day. We talk about once a month. He's been there for the most important days of my life....graduations, my wedding, my surgery....but our relationship is still a bit tenuous. We are clumsy with our affection and he's not exactly a talkative type so it's kind of a "take it where you can get it" kind of thing. His apartment was what you'd expect for a 50-something year old bachelor....sparse. Apparently he's into juicing so as soon as we stepped foot over the threshold he made all of us a fresh juice...in his juicer. We were all very, very impressed. It was delicious. He shows his love by juicing. That's cool.

We talked mostly about my brother, his job and his skinny jeans. He's 25-years old now; living with three roommates in a basement apartment in Astoria.  He's got a serious girlfriend and he peppers his Instagram account with pictures of he and his friends living the high life.

Ahhhhh....to be young and unbeaten by the world....

I probably sound totally cynical but I'm really proud of him. He was able to rise above the dysfunction of our immediate family. That is true success in my book.

My dad and my brother intended to drop in at another family event that night but EH and I needed to get on the road so we could get to my in-laws house for dinner. My brother reported that I didn't miss much so I don't feel too badly about missing that crowd.

Thanksgiving itself was, dare I say it, just aight. I didn't really enjoy the food this year because my stomach was doing flip flops. I've never thrown up while pregnant but I do have an all day kind of queasiness.

Saturday afternoon we met up with my brother in Astoria and went to see the Hunger Games movie, which was pretty cool. Our relationship has evolved so much over the years. I view him more as my brother and less like my child. I'm proud of myself that I've been able to make that shift. It's hard to look at him and not see a panorama of his young life flash before my eyes.

My youngest brother is 14 now and living with my mom. It's hard to get in touch with him and I found out this past weekend that he's being given ADHD medication by a psychiatrist. Even I know that's the last thing he needs, he's practically comatose already, and the medication has made him violent. I don't know what to do with that. EH and I are trying to figure out a way to get more involved in his life. He's been out of the country since he was about five years old and hardly knows me and that makes me sad.

EH and I vowed we were going to enjoy our holiday no matter what. We also vowed not to talk about the baby possibly residing in my uterus but that didn't work out so well. We couldn't seem to stop talking about it but our conversations were mostly about what we were going to do after.... Now we don't know for certain that we'll have a miscarriage but the waiting to find out whether it's leaving or staying is torturous. So, instead we make plans for after.

While sitting in the couch we discuss how we're going to take a break...after

On the way to the store we talk about starting IVF in the new year....after

Laying in bed we talk about looking into adoption....after

It's really pretty maddening. I sleep and get queasy and  develop weird rashes in odd places and completely ignore these sensations. My only refuge is Sunday mornings when we're in church and I can set my mind on someone else. I pour all my hope into my worship. I don't even want to think about the possibility of a baby. I'm sad about this too but it's my reality, our reality, right now.

We've got a lot to be thankful for around these parts, though. We've got a pretty good marriage. The bills get paid somehow. We have moments of true joy. We've got a roof over our heads and good income coming in. We know we're blessed in a lot of areas. Tomorrow we see our Ob/Gyn to see if something good and wonderful, or the opposite, is happening in there. I'm looking forward to it because at least I'll know for sure one way or the other.