A Time For Everything

Last night I was standing in the kitchen simultaneously cooking dinner and washing the dishes. I had been sitting on our couch for most of the day reading and watching television, thinking about my negative pregnancy tests. I took three of them this past week. I told myself that I wasn't really trying but aren't we always trying? I started to play the blame game with myself. If you had eaten better....if you had lost more weight....if you hadn't waited until you were 30...it went on and on and on.

When I start to get like this the only help is distraction, getting busy, using my hands. It's why I'm a dynamo at cleaning a house or doing a home improvement project. I took myself out of the house yesterday to do some laundry. What a difference it made to get out of the house for a little while. I watched an episode of a baby story with an African American couple where the mother had a stillborn and another miscarriage before taking a daughter home. I thought to myself, "geez, I couldn't deal with that...wonder how she did that?" Her husband was super supportive. This woman was on bed rest for most of her pregnancy. He put together the nursery and stocked it. When it came time for her scheduled c-section you could see the fear in his eyes. I knew exactly what he was feeling...something could still go wrong, this is too good to be true.

I fight fear and doubt every day. Sometimes I don't succeed and end up a sniveling mess over the kitchen sink crying big, heaving, ugly tears. I don't even know what specifically set me off...was it the episode I watched? was it the children running around in the laundromat? was it the announcement that my good friend's baby is a boy? It was all of these things. A culmination of sorrows.

My husband walked through the door to find me a mess, crying in the kitchen. I had thrown myself into cooking lasagna and cleaning...because I wanted to feel like a woman. It was strange because I'm definitely not a "traditional" woman in the sense that I applaud working women but I do value the importance of staying home if you can. I know these feelings of unworthiness come from my own lack of mothering. The scars are deep and painful and they spur me on to have my own children, re-write the wrongs and do it better.

When I finally calmed myself down, we had a good dinner, had  a great talk about where we are right now. I started to feel grateful  for all the blessings I do have instead of the ones I haven't received yet. El Hubster's favorite phrase for me is "We're on track, gal!" It speaks to my type A personality's need to be working toward a goal.

I learned that I'm gonna have really shitty days and I shouldn't beat myself up for it
I learned that I am capable of feeling joy
I learned that I am blessed to have such a support at home
I learned that I am blessed to be able to stay at home during this time

I took comfort from Ecclesiastes 3:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Research for a Better Life

Source: http://levysuniqueny.com

So, I spent most of the morning doing research about what the Bronx has to offer. To my dismay, It wasn't much. Ha! El Hubster and I have lived in the Bronx going on six years now. We've done all the touristy stuff; been to Arthur Ave, been to the Bronx Zoo, been to a few different places here but none of them feel like they have too much to offer. My one joy is a wonderful park nearby where I run from time to time. My little oasis in the concrete jungle.

El Hubster and I are kinda tired of traveling to Manhattan for fun, culture, FOOD. When we hit 30, we all of a sudden became serious homebodies. Our new motto: if we have to work too hard to get there, we're not going! We're lucky if we go out once a month these days. I definitely don't want to raise our children in a fish bowl so I set out to see if there were any stay at home wife/mom groups to be found. I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised to see a few that were interesting and diverse and that they EXISTED at all.

Diversity is a big deal for us. We're diverse as individuals in our own right and we love to surround ourselves with diverse people. Since we'll be raising multi-culti children, I was happy to see that a range of nationalities can be found right in my own borough. My only concern is that my personality has never been that of "a joiner" so I don't know how this will ultimately pan out. I find that the more I move toward motherhood, the more independent and rebellious I'm becoming. I'm convinced it's the last shred of my wandering, gypsy psyche hanging on by its fingernails. I'm feeling a push and pull that's hard to explain.
 
Being a stay-at-home wife provides so much time for reflection; a little too much if you ask me. I'm so used to doing a billion things at once that I simply don't know how to enjoy this precious time alone. Everyday I struggle not to stay in bed, to get outside, to write! I need more to look forward to, more to fill my precious time. I can only redecorate my apartment but so many times and when I get a new decor idea I'm discouraged because I know we'll only be here until August. I want to save my energy for the home we'll be in for a while.