The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Source: cb2.com

I'm 7dpo today, a smidge over the halfway point of the two week wait aka two weeks of despair and/or hope.

This morning I stayed in the bed past my alarm at 9am. My bed has become my safe place. When I'm asleep I don't have to think about whether or not I'm pregnant. I can keep that running, torturous dialogue at bay as long as I stay under the covers.

I'm having a few symptoms but after past disappointments, I no longer trust my body and its sensations. This makes me very sad because it means my various twinges, steamy dreams, odd pains, hunger and bloating could just be normal premenstrual stuff and not the precursor for the child I desperately want.

El Hubster and I are finally getting away to Canada for a few days so at least I'll have a relaxing trip as a distraction. I think the mountain air and being outside and eating fatty French food will do me good.

The truth is I've never been very good at living in the moment. The TTC process is ALL about living in the moment...taking each day as it comes. It's something I've struggled with since I was a child. I always felt I had to be one step ahead of danger and/or disappointment because I never knew what the day would bring...whether or not my needs would be met.

You would think after years of therapy I'd have overcome this obstacle but getting to a place where I can find comfort in unpredictability is a slow climb at best. El Hubster ONLY lives in the moment so I guess that's another reason why we're a good match.

I visited my regular doctor the other day and I told the assistant that I was in my two week wait...she had no idea what I was talking about and that annoyed me. I had to explain it to her and then she asked me if I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I declined because it's way too soon to tell and I really would just be setting myself up to feel bad.

Oh Lord, I'm frustrated and exasperated. Only YOU can do this! I've done everything on my end this month, now it's time for you to SHOW UP and SHOW OUT.

Research for a Better Life

Source: http://levysuniqueny.com

So, I spent most of the morning doing research about what the Bronx has to offer. To my dismay, It wasn't much. Ha! El Hubster and I have lived in the Bronx going on six years now. We've done all the touristy stuff; been to Arthur Ave, been to the Bronx Zoo, been to a few different places here but none of them feel like they have too much to offer. My one joy is a wonderful park nearby where I run from time to time. My little oasis in the concrete jungle.

El Hubster and I are kinda tired of traveling to Manhattan for fun, culture, FOOD. When we hit 30, we all of a sudden became serious homebodies. Our new motto: if we have to work too hard to get there, we're not going! We're lucky if we go out once a month these days. I definitely don't want to raise our children in a fish bowl so I set out to see if there were any stay at home wife/mom groups to be found. I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised to see a few that were interesting and diverse and that they EXISTED at all.

Diversity is a big deal for us. We're diverse as individuals in our own right and we love to surround ourselves with diverse people. Since we'll be raising multi-culti children, I was happy to see that a range of nationalities can be found right in my own borough. My only concern is that my personality has never been that of "a joiner" so I don't know how this will ultimately pan out. I find that the more I move toward motherhood, the more independent and rebellious I'm becoming. I'm convinced it's the last shred of my wandering, gypsy psyche hanging on by its fingernails. I'm feeling a push and pull that's hard to explain.
 
Being a stay-at-home wife provides so much time for reflection; a little too much if you ask me. I'm so used to doing a billion things at once that I simply don't know how to enjoy this precious time alone. Everyday I struggle not to stay in bed, to get outside, to write! I need more to look forward to, more to fill my precious time. I can only redecorate my apartment but so many times and when I get a new decor idea I'm discouraged because I know we'll only be here until August. I want to save my energy for the home we'll be in for a while.