Monday, March 11, 2013

Going Faster than a Roller Coaster...

Who gets this song reference?? Good ole' James Taylor. I love music from the 70s. Great era of songwriting and singers.

El Hubster and I went on a short, impromptu field trip after church yesterday! I'm always up for an adventure. It makes me feel acutely alive when we do something spontaneous. We decided to walk along Riverside Drive and came upon Grant's Tomb. El Hubster was a history major in undergrad so this was like an amazing time for him. The man LOVES everything about history and I'm always blown away when he starts talking about periods of history as if he were there.

We spent some time inside viewing the tombs of General Grant and his wife, Lucia. You can't help but feel reverence in a situation like that. Their resting place was just amazingly beautiful and peaceful. We walked around, hearing our whispers and footsteps echo off the cool marble, feeling the history of the place. We then went upstairs and viewed maps that pointed out all of the battles of the civil war, the war that made it possible for El Hubster and I to have the lives we have today. We marveled at the sacrifices made on behalf of African Americans and wondered what Black people who lived then would think of Black people now.

We took a trip to the visitor's center and played tourist for a while. We were surprised to find that the Grant Memorial was championed by an African American man. A newly-freed man who had joined General Grant's Presidential Cabinet and worked closely with him.  We both thought the experience would be perfect for future little ones.

After our visit, I thought of what a wonderful God we have. A God that makes miracles happen in perfect time. We spent the afternoon talking, laughing and reconnecting with each other. Literally, my favorite thing to do. El Hubster is by far my favorite human being in the world.

We really needed the interlude. At church that morning, our pastor brought in his newborn son to introduce him to the congregation. I felt such envy in their presence. So much so that I had to remove myself from the sanctuary and go sit by myself for a while. Envy and jealousy are just about the ugliest emotions one can have. I prayed that God would heal my heart and scrub my mind of those ugly thoughts. El Hubster came out soon after and gave me some much needed support and I was able to resume service.

We sang You Deserve the Glory and I could feel the truth of the words and hear the promise in them!!
Later that morning I was able to HOLD the baby, feeling his baby weight and smelling his baby smell with love; and the promise in my heart that I would soon be holding my own baby, feeling its baby weight and smelling its baby smell.

Tomorrow El Hubster and I are making the trek to Westchester to visit with our RE for the follow up ultrasound since my myomectomy in December. I'm really trying to look at the experience in a positive way, praying that my uterus is back to normal with no blemishes and no new fibroids!! I'm claiming 2013 AS OUR YEAR!!

I've been on Metformin for my PCOS since before the surgery but found last month that I didn't ovulate. I'm not pleased about that but I have read that can be a side effect of the drug. Which is ridiculous to me because how can it help me become pregnant, if it stops me from ovulating?! More than likely I'll have to get some kind of ovulation trigger like Clomid to help it along. Can I just say infertility sucks!!? It's in the odd moments that I'm mourning the loss of what could have been---a normal unassisted pregnancy, a normal labor and delivery.

I keep trying to tell myself that God has made a way for us, has illuminated our minds so that we're no longer clueless about my fertility. We're not stumbling around in the dark and dank basement, we've got a flashlight now...and soon we'll be going faster than a roller coaster.


  1. I'm praying with you! A flashlight makes all the difference in the world.