Friday, March 1, 2013

Dark Night of the Soul

Last night was a doozy.

I emailed a friend of mine yesterday just to see how she was doing. She's been riding the infertility roller coaster for much longer than I have and now has a little boy just over 1year old. I thank God for her success because it means there may be hope for me yet. So, I emailed to see how her second round of treatments is going and imagine my surprise. SHE'S HAVING TWINS!! I felt such joy for her. I know how long she's struggled, how long she'd prayed for the first miracle and now God has given her two more additions to her family. I thought about how great it was that my absolute best friend in the world was also pregnant. She too has had losses and it is gratifying to see that her dreams are coming true. After being told by her GYN that she had the eggs of a menopausal woman, things got very real for her. She's not in the place where she would like to be in bringing a child into the world but, I gotta tell you, infertility makes you ready. If God could pass His hand over my stomach right now and make me pregnant, I would say Please and Thank You!

So, you'll understand how shocked I was when my joy turned to absolute despair. I sat back on the couch while El Hubster and I were watching television and started to think. I got hit hard with my own doubts and fears..what if it doesn't happen for me? Am I getting excited about the possibility of motherhood only to be crushed in the end?

I confess I'm a bottler of emotions. I can go and go for weeks on end not thinking about anything that will make me emotional but it always catches up to me. I wanted to avoid a total breakdown so I decided to get off my ass and out of the house for some me time. I hit up El Hubster for some cash and went out to breakfast,  had a pedicure and then to Barnes & Noble where I knew I could find solace surrounded by the things I love the most. And I did find solace..for a while. I came home high on hope and ready to post on that.

And then I got an invitation for a baby shower for one of the women at my church. I know it seems minor but it was the literal straw that broke MY back. The thought of sitting around celebrating even more baby joy made me sick. I was so relieved when I saw that I had a licensing review course on that day...all day. I was thankful for that because that meant I wouldn't have to lie when I declined the invitation.

I immediately texted El Hubster and told him I wasn't going. Now, El Hubster is not the most social of people. In fact, he can be downright antisocial at times. So, I was surprised when he told me that he would go and represent both of us. Bless him. I didn't want to put a damper on what is a happy occasion for my church friend.

When El Hubster got home he suggested we go to a late night diner near us and relax for a while...maybe have a pastry. He's always up for a pastry!! We get to the diner and are seated at a booth. El Hubster and I spend a lot of time gabbing about politics and our days and all seems right with the world. At some point I look over and see that there's a happy Black couple seated near us with their infant daughter. She's dressed all in pink; pink dress, pink hairband, pink socks. I begin to lose it in the diner, crying hysterically. El Hubster
comes around to my side of the booth to comfort me and also to make sure I don't cause a scene that I'll regret later. My mind is screaming. My heart is screaming. How Long! How Long! How Long? How Long will I have to wait for my promise?

I'm crying because I see US in that happy Black couple. The grass is always greener. Who knows what they're going through or have been through. But in that moment they are happy. They are a family. It was only after the couple left with their bundle of joy that I was able to get myself together. I felt bad about how I reacted. It's not in my nature to be emotional in public. But I'm a bottler. When you bottle things up and mishandle them, they explode.

I imagine that God is going through all of this with me. I want to feel that He is by my side, His arm over my shoulder, shushing me and patting my back. It is in these moments that I realize I need Him more than ever if I'm going to get through this. And Believe Me infertility is something to get through.

El Hubster and I became Christian together about five years ago. We church shopped trying to find a place to belong. We finally found a place at the recommendation of an acquaintance and instantly felt at home. At the time, the pastor asked us how we had come to faith. El Hubster was a Catholic in his younger years, which is the affiliation of most Dominicans, but had been searching for something "more solid" for years. I was into everything but Christianity. It was our love for each other that led us to Faith. We couldn't believe that two very different people could meet and fall in love...who else could have done that but God?

Recently, the church that has fed us for three years has had some changes and is no longer feeding us spiritually. We have grown in our Christian journey and realize that we need more than a sermon on Sunday. Church has become routine and less and less relevant for us as time has gone on. We're still figuring out how to navigate these new feelings and preserve our faith. We don't know what this will look like as they're aren't that many options in our neighborhood but we're committed to exploring together.

This post was a doozy....had to get it out..

In other news, here's a pic of my pedicure...


  1. Hang in there. I know it's hard, and I know the feeling of "when is it my turn?" all too well. Hold on, stay prayerful, you CAN do this.

  2. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, Bek. I really enjoy reading your blog!