Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.-Hebrews11:1
I was full of so much hope and faith in our future. I looked at those couples on the show, their hope for a life together shining in their eyes and their smiles and I sighed. I hope you never go through what so many couples go through, the thing that no one talks about in public, the secret shame of infertility.
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20
I sat through a sermon at our church a few weeks ago called Borrowed Faith. I cried through most of it because I really thought God was talking to me. My faith is as small as that mustard seed. I feel as though I am leaning on a pillow instead of a rock and I am afraid I don't have the strength to hold myself up. I am living on borrowed faith right now, hoping to be healed on borrowed faith. I am going through my third or fourth reading of the Bible these days and am currently in Matthew. I read the words highlighted in red and I am full of hope. I put it down and I despair.
I wish I had the faith of the woman with the issue of blood, especially since I had the issue of blood myself for a few years. I see in her a kindred spirit. She ran after Him seeking her blessing. A blessing she knew he would bestow. I barely have the strength to lift my head some days much less reach for the hem of His garment. I pray in my spirit without words. The words will not come so I sit and hope my spirit can convey them.
I came across this post by Lisha Epperson, who waited 14 years before she was blessed with a child from her womb:
It was probably written while she was in the throes of her own struggle but it crystallized exactly how I had been feeling for the past few months or few years... I needed the validation that her words provided. I read it and thought of my lost faith, wondering if I would ever find it again.
Jesus sees the greater need, not just the need you want addressed-Pastor George
EH and I tried to get out of going to a baby shower that takes place this weekend. It is the shower of our former pastor. EH and I helped to plan her wedding and acted as coordinator and assistant on her special day last year. We all grew close in the process. She was an older woman who had been praying for the Lord to send her a partner for many years and finally, finally, her prayers were answered. She had what I think of as BIG faith. They got pregnant very soon after the wedding and called us, excited about the news. We had just discovered we were pregnant with our third child, the child we thought would be our miracle. A few weeks later, our miracle passed away and we were devastated.
So, needless to say, we weren't really up to being surrounded by their friends and family and former church members AND having to field the inevitable question of when we would be having children. Having to smile, smile, smile. We tried to wiggle our way out of going only to find that they were having not one but two baby showers which we were more than welcome to attend. At that point, EH was trying to think of a way to wiggle out of the second one. I decided against it. I may come to regret it but I was so tired of letting this affliction change us, so tired of lying. So we will go to this shower because maybe God wants us to go; maybe there is a greater need being addressed that we can't see or understand. We have been shielding ourselves for so long. Maybe it's time to put down the armor.
Develop your faith so it can be seen-Pastor George
I have been hiding my light under a bushel. I have felt inadequate in so many areas and I'm slowly coming out from under the rock I've been under. I've been making family albums on shutterfly.com. I am casting away the idea that we are not complete somehow. We are complete in each other for the moment and I want to celebrate that. Every picture I place is a remembrance of our fortitude, our strength as a family of two.
I have a heart for service that has been stagnant for too long. This week I'll be participating in my first volunteer opportunity at a nursing home in my area and I am sooooo excited about the possibility of taking my attention away from myself for once. I am working to re-develop my faith in myself and in God. One mustard seed at a time.