Feeling Blah...

I'm having one of those days of despair today...weather's gloomy outside..no project to do....haven't studied in about a week..don't seem to be up for it. Not even Pinterest can cheer me up. Really and truly want to lay in my couch and sleep and watch television all day and ugly cry just cause I can.

I finally got a positive OPK yesterday and for a minute I was overjoyed! Does this mean I'll actually ovulate on my own? Maybe we can do some baby dancing and see what happens. El Hubster turns to me in bed and says, "So, let's get down to business!" I react badly to this. The mood is almost ruined but we manage to get it back.

I'm completely preoccupied during.. thinking about..what if this is a poor quality egg? What if we get pregnant and the egg is bad and then I have another chemical pregnancy or blighted ovum because the egg was bad and then I have to go through another miscarriage and then we're set back another month or so? Is it even worth it? But then again, wouldn't it be great to conceive without the drugs if I could? Wouldn't it be great if my body actually did what it was designed to do?

So now I'm sitting here scared that I could get pregnant and scared that I won't...

El Hubster and I talk about "our baby" all the time..the things we won't be able to say anymore when it arrives, how we're going to organize the house to prepare for the baby, will we let our child watch television, preschool vs homeschool...this keeps us sane, keeps us hopeful and is also incredibly painful...talking about "our baby."

This past weekend at church, El Hubster was stuck on on our pastor's newborn son...literally I felt like if he could have inhaled the child he would have. He was that in love with this baby. I felt that familiar pang of pain.

I told him at the bus stop later that I didn't want to tell any of our friends and family about the baby until I was about 5 months along. I thought he would be shocked and tell me I was being ridiculous but he didn't. He agreed 100%. There will be no cute announcements on Facebook like we had planned with the first babies, no rushing to call parents until we know what's what. The whole conversation made me sad but I was glad we talked about it and glad that we're on the same page.