HCG, TTC and a Pity Party

El Hubster and I finally went to get my HCG levels checked last week. We'd been putting it off because it's just another reminder of losing Little P. We got our butts up early last Saturday and drove to one of WestMed's gazillion locations in Ridge Hill, Yonkers.

The office was in one of the ritziest walking malls we've ever seen. There was music being piped in from Bose speakers hidden in the plants. There was a Whole Foods and Target and Marshalls and everything my little consumerist heart would have loved six months ago. Then we came upon L.L.Bean and proceeded to geek out.

El Hubster and I fancy ourselves to be great adventurers and we've always talked about going to L.L. Bean but we never got around to it. We spent at least an hour in the store after my blood draw oohing and ahhing and picturing ourselves hiking great trails. I was having a great time until the cute cargo shorts and flower print blouses began to remind me of what I might wear if I were a mom. I pictured all the camping trips El Hubster and I wanted to take with our children and we had to scram.

 I just couldn't deal. That happens sometimes. I'll be hopping along living my life, putting one foot in front of the other and then I'll be waylaid by cargo shorts and flower print blouses.

We found out this week that my HCG levels are at 7, which is practically negligible, so Aunt Flo should be coming along any day now. I was at a restaurant having lunch when I got the call and ordered a pina colada to celebrate. I don't know if the bartender put an abnormal amount of rum in it or if my tolerance is just crap because I haven't been drinking for months now...but I was just wasted, slurring, eyes blurry...the whole deal. I was outside of myself and I liked it. This is pretty dangerous territory for me given my family history so I'll be abstaining while we're on this TTC hiatus. Oh, and I also ate a full portion of black beans, yellow rice and ropa vieja with a side of sweet plantains. Seriously, this portion could have fed two people but I was determined to inhale it and I did. I'm savvy enough to know I was just feeding my emotions. I had been trying to not think about the loss and getting this phone call brought all the pain, anger and sadness back.

I texted a good friend of mine, who happens to be pregnant, to give her the news that we would be able to TTC again soon and she replied with, "Are you sure you're ready for that?"  I can't put into words how angry that made me. Am I sure?? I've only been trying to start a family for three years. Yes, I'm gonna take six months off to get right in the head and then we're gonna try again. 

I responded honestly: If I stop, I'm going to stop indefinitely.

No woman in their right mind willingly sets themselves up for this kind of pain.

You have to be a strong woman to endure the pills, the invasive doctor's visits, having someone tell you when to have sex with your husband, dealing with baby shower invites, being a support to pregnant friends and family members as you lose three children, smiling when you feel like dying and most of all....keeping it all secret from those you love because they either dismiss that you have a problem (Oh, it'll happen. You just need to relax..why are you on Clomid? You don't need that.) or don't know how to deal with it..(I heard so and so had the same problem. Why don't you go talk to them about it?). Sensitivity is a lost art form folks. I shudder to think of the things I may have said that were insensitive before we started going through this trial.

I had myself a pity party this morning. Listened to all my sad songs on you tube and had a good cry. I do that from time to time because I am a bottler. Sometimes you have to feel the pain to be able to keep moving forward. El Hubster and I try to find joy when and where we can, whether it's a late night trip to McDonalds to get an iced strawberry-lemonade drink or a Game of Thrones marathon or speaking positively about the future.