Thursday, July 4, 2013

Country Music and Disaster Movies

You know in the Bible when people tore their clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes?? I always thought that was a little extreme. I mean....ashes!? I couldn't wrap my head around the kind of pain/shame that required you to rend your clothing and cover yourself in ashes. But now I can. I am having a sackcloth and ashes moment and it is someTHING.

You know that phrase in 2 Timothy: All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. When I read my Bible through the first time, I was surprised by how true that was. I mean literally every situation a human can go through is in there...even infertility. Knowing that even women in the days of the Bible dealt with this scourge...and at much higher a great comfort to me. It helps to know I'm not alone. I'm in a long line of strong women of faith and the Lord has accounted for everything in his Word.

These past few days have been a blur of numbness and activity. I feel like a wind up toy. I get wound up in the morning and I go and go until midnight and then I refuse to go to bed. I'm like a small child throwing a tantrum. The clock hits midnight and I refuse to go to bed until I'm falling over with exhaustion. I don't want to lie there alone with my thoughts for any amount of time, staring up at our popcorn bedroom ceiling, wondering why this happened to us....again.

I've been cleaning and purging my house of things in preparation for our move at the end of August. I'm grateful for the apartment search. It gives my mind something else to be occupied with. Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Yesterday, we went to our follow up ultrasound at Ob/Gyn Inc. The doctor that saw us was very sympathetic and put us at ease. We learned that indeed Little P was no more so we wouldn't be needing a D & C. I never had one with either of my losses and, even though I wanted to see if we could do chromosomal testing on the baby, I'm secretly glad I don't have to. We also learned that my fibroids were back but they were all tiny (at about 1cm each) and all outside of the uterus, which means we won't have any issues with a future pregnancy.

Now I'm just waiting for my HCG levels to go down so we can get back on the horse and try again. I'm kinda scared to try again. El Hubster says our quest to have a family seems like a war; we just need to keep sending soldiers to the front lines and hope they make it through. I agree with him but leave it to El Hubster to make our struggle analogous to war....but what can I expect...he's a guy. Whatever it takes to get him through is allowed.

I got up yesterday morning and watched a full block of country music videos on CMT. I love me some country music. There's something about the yearning in those songs that resonate with me right now.  The lyrics aren't too complicated and I can sing along. The videos are so carefree and happy...they make me wanna "shake my sugar shaker." That there is a line from a real country song. true story.

In the afternoon, a disaster movie called Poseidon came on and I was glued to it. I've got a thing for disaster flicks (El Hubster and I were watching that disaster classic 2012 during Hurricane Sandy....just for kicks). I love the idea of people triumphing over what surely must be the end for them.

Is climate change causing the end of the world with only a crack group of scientists and civilians to save it?? I'm there.

Did a rogue wave capsize a cruise ship and only a smart but varied group of people escape?? I'm so there!

I cry and cheer with them on their journey, knowing in the end they ultimately succeed. No matter what.

Despite the fact that there was a life boat conveniently outside the boat for them to jump into...who put it there? Surely no one had time to put one out while the ship was sinking...who cares?! The point is they get out.

Despite the fact that they figure out how to set the climate back on course in only two hours....who cares?! We're saved!!

Despite the fact that they avoid catastrophic danger just in time...who cares?! The point is they survive against all odds.

And I want to be one of them.

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