Friday, July 26, 2013

Random Thoughts

1. I am sad. There, I said it. No amount of cooking and decorating posts are going to make up for the fact that I am sad.

2. I've been furiously researching adoption since our miscarriage and I gotta say it made me angry. I couldn't believe the amount of money we would have to come up with if we went that route. I felt so bad for all those wonderful children who need loving homes but wouldn't get one because someone like me couldn't come up with $15,000-$40,000...

3. I need help. I was walking around the city yesterday because I find that being out of the house usually makes me feel better but as I was walking I kept thinking, "three years, three lost babies. What am I supposed to be learning from this?" It was kind of scary because it kept repeating in my head over and over again like a mantra.

4. I haven't slept well, or at all, this week. El Hubster was away for his school orientation and I've been going to sleep alone and getting up alone. I finally caved in and took a dose of Nyquil last night and finally slept through the night only to be interrupted by a phone call from the RE's office letting me know that they needed to push my consultation appt. back. I guess figuring out why my baby died isn't particularly high on the agenda.

5. EH has been telling me that I need to see someone. I KNOW I need to see someone. I'm a social worker, for goodness sake! So I started researching support groups we could go to and sent emails asking if said groups were still open and got absolutely no response. Still looking. I want to see a therapist but I don't want to spend the money, and also, I've already been to four therapists starting in college. If only I could counsel myself! Ha!

6. I realize that I've never really grieved the other losses and now it's all coming down on me like a ton of bricks. I looked up a bunch of books on miscarriage on amazon in an attempt to better understand what I'm feeling and I'm working my way through the list.  Starting with Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility. I'm realizing that this whole process is a trauma that I have to deal with as I go along.

7. I'm feeling real reckless with my thoughts. I feel like stopping strangers on the street and telling them my babies died. I feel like calling all our immediate and extended family members and telling them my babies died. I feel like putting up a Facebook status that reads: I've Lost Three Babies and I'm In Mourning, Don't Bother Me! I know it probably won't help me feel better but I just want people to acknowledge it. It's so hard keeping this secret. Maybe I'll get to that place one day soon where I can be honest.

8. It feels like my good friend ,whose baby is due in a few months, is avoiding me. That made me sad. I keep reaching out though because I feel like I have to prove I'm not envious and/or bitter.


  1. It's ok to be sad and angry and want to kick things. It's completely ok, but you know that.

    Maybe this counts as counseling yourself? You get to vent and talk through things without paying. This is freeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

    It's okay to want your feelings acknowledged, to want your babies acknowledged, for the world to know that they were here. They were here and they are loved.

    One step at a time. Even if they are really teeny steps.

  2. Girl, you're right! This is freeee! So, I'm gonna use it until I feel like I need to vent elsewhere. Man, my steps are truly like little mouse steps and they keep running back home to get cheese and be holding up the process.

  3. Don't hold your feelings in. If you want to scream, then scream. Calling someone up and letting your feelings out might make you feel a little better or at least a little bit of relief to get it all out. It'll take time but you will get there.