1. I am sad. There, I said it. No amount of cooking and decorating posts are going to make up for the fact that I am sad.
been furiously researching adoption since our miscarriage and I gotta
say it made me angry. I couldn't believe the amount of money we would
have to come up with if we went that route. I felt so bad for all those
wonderful children who need loving homes but wouldn't get one because
someone like me couldn't come up with $15,000-$40,000...
3. I need help. I was walking around the city yesterday because I find that being out of the house usually makes me feel better but as I was walking I kept thinking, "three years, three lost babies. What am I supposed to be learning from this?" It was kind of scary because it kept repeating in my head over and over again like a mantra.
4. I haven't slept well, or at all, this week. El Hubster was away for his school orientation and I've been going to sleep alone and getting up alone. I finally caved in and took a dose of Nyquil last night and finally slept through the night only to be interrupted by a phone call from the RE's office letting me know that they needed to push my consultation appt. back. I guess figuring out why my baby died isn't particularly high on the agenda.
5. EH has been telling me that I need to see someone. I KNOW I need to see someone. I'm a social worker, for goodness sake! So I started researching support groups we could go to and sent emails asking if said groups were still open and got absolutely no response. Still looking. I want to see a therapist but I don't want to spend the money, and also, I've already been to four therapists starting in college. If only I could counsel myself! Ha!
6. I realize that I've never really grieved the other losses and now it's all coming down on me like a ton of bricks. I looked up a bunch of books on miscarriage on amazon in an attempt to better understand what I'm feeling and I'm working my way through the list. Starting with Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility. I'm realizing that this whole process is a trauma that I have to deal with as I go along.
7. I'm feeling real reckless with my thoughts. I feel like stopping strangers on the street and telling them my babies died. I feel like calling all our immediate and extended family members and telling them my babies died. I feel like putting up a Facebook status that reads: I've Lost Three Babies and I'm In Mourning, Don't Bother Me! I know it probably won't help me feel better but I just want people to acknowledge it. It's so hard keeping this secret. Maybe I'll get to that place one day soon where I can be honest.
8. It feels like my good friend ,whose baby is due in a few months, is avoiding me. That made me sad. I keep reaching out though because I feel like I have to prove I'm not envious and/or bitter.