Ob/Gyn Inc.

El Hubster and I have graduated from the RE's office and had our first visit at our new Ob/Gyn office last week. It was quite an experience....a very, very long experience. I wanna say we were there for like three and a half hours!!

First of all, El Hubster wasn't feeling the office. He thought it was very 1984....bright lights, LCD tv's with soothing images...no windows in the waiting area. I, on the other hand, loved it! And whether or not I like it is the most important thing, which I promptly told him. We've been so spoiled by the small, homey RE's office that he got his mind blown by such a big operation.

We started off with an ultrasound where we got to see our Little P again...I think I can see a little face at the top...maybe.

I'm broken up that I have to wait until 12 weeks to see another picture of our little angel. Is this legal?! I am shocked that I can't see he/she every month :-( LOL

Then we met with the practice's midwife for an exam and a convo about how the practice works. Really, it was all a blur to me. I already know I'm having a scheduled c-section so I only paid attention for those parts of the convo. Can you tell I'm still a little sore about my mandatory c-section?? I'm really trying to get over it. So then we get to the nutrition part of the convo and midwife tells me, "You're already a little overweight so we don't want you to gain too much weight.." I really have mixed thoughts about this advice. I feel like pregnant women who are curvy to begin with are totally discriminated against. I mean it does take something away from an otherwise beautiful experience to have to worry about your weight on top of it.

Yes, I'm a curvy girl. Yes, I got me some thick thighs. Yes, my ass is big. Yes, my chest is ample. Yes, I got a little pot in my belly. But I am not inherently unhealthy. Like any other woman, I exercise...when I remember.

So basically I was advised to only gain 15-20 lbs for my entire pregnancy. My breasts and butt are like already 10 of those lbs and the baby will take up the rest. Pray for me ya'll cause it looks like I won't be having anything but water and air for the duration. Since the appointment I've been walking 30 minutes a day to try and keep my weight steady and I must admit I've been scrutinizing everything that I put in my mouth. I hope this doesn't turn into an issue.

After that, we scheduled my first trimester screen appointment where we find out if Little P has any genetic abnormalities. I'm not looking forward to that. My girlfriend recently had one and the results were way, way off and she lived in a state of fear for like a week until they figured it out. Then we scheduled our first appointment with the actual Ob/Gyn. Then we went downstairs for a marathon lab appointment where I gave like six gallons of blood!

I've gotten significantly more tired and am finding it really hard to sleep at night due to my crazy bladder. No lie...I get up like six times a night to pee. I'm grateful though. Truly, truly grateful that I get to get up and pee six times a night.

Money, Money, Money, Money....MUHNAY!!!

 
I feel like I should be doing the wop or the cabbage patch or something....

Anyway....this post is about something very near and dear to my heart.

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Money....or maybe I should say lack of money.

A couple of years ago as I was entering my last year of graduate school. I realized that there was NO WAY I could do my mandatory internship AND work full time as a case manager. So, I quit my job (very happily). I would be able to completely devote myself to my degree and my internship would morph into my job. It worked out very well during that last year because I was busy, busy, busy...overworked and underpaid and
I'll admit it was a great distraction until our world fell in with our first miscarriage. Then the internship became my own personal hell. Getting up at 5AM three times a week, traveling on the 6 train...my least favorite train and heading into NYPres to work under a supervisor that could have been the devil himself. Needless to say, when that year ended I was beyond joy.

We have been blessed for many years now that El Hubster has a job that can support us pretty well. And thanks to his awesome grant writing skills, his salary has only increased over the years which means more money but much longer hours at the office.

After graduation, we agreed that I should focus on starting our family. At least for a little while. A little while turned into two years!! Fertility quests are expensive. I estimate that we've spent about $500 just in co-pays (which is probably a drop in the bucket). Paying for and refilling fertility meds...this Crinone is running us $35 every two weeks. Thank God I don't have to take it for much longer.

Me not having a job is expensive. Here are some secrets I'm willing to share....I'm not very good at being a stay-at-home wife. I just can't seem to get my head around it. I've pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom but not so much a stay-at-home wife. I have a tremendous amount of guilt about not contributing money to the household. I want to do more. I want to be able to use my paycheck to pay my own bills. I miss having my own paycheck. I hate asking my husband for money. So much so that I have learned to go without something I might really want or need just to avoid it.

We can't get the quality of food we need by shopping at our local supermarket so we food shop online. Let's not even go there...we do live in the Bronx. Organic is a foreign word in the neighborhood I live in and my myriad medical issues require that I not put extra chemicals into my body. No matter how much I buy I never seem to buy enough food to feed us for a whole two weeks. I need to get better at this.

We live in the cheapest borough so that keeps our rent expenses pretty low. I'm proud to say we only pay about $975 a month in rent...which is unheard of in other parts of  NYC.

But our debts....are killing us!!

Let's list them:

• El Hubster and I both have 4 credit cards between us...all of which have been paid off at some point but always seem to creep back up to maxed!! He's paying ALL the credit card bills.
• Student loan payments totaling about $90,000 each!! And we're about to add more school debt as El Hubster begins his doctorate next month. I don't even want to think about how that's gonna get paid for. He is solely responsible for paying ALL the student loan bills.
• We've added life insurance and car insurance to our monthly debt. Who knew a car would be so expensive!!?? Yep, he's paying for ALL that too.
• Internet, cell phones (Virgin prepaid), Direct TV, Netflix . This TOO
• We've got unpaid hospital bills from one malaise or another...$150 worth from the hospital and $400 in fertility related expenses. I realize that it's not that much, especially compared to how expensive fertility treatments can be, but it feels like a boulder when you've got other expenses.
• Our Electricity bill is through the roof because we NEVER get our meter read and the amount of money we've spent heating and cooling our apartment because it's just inadequate. We have no intercom system in our building. So, Con Ed takes it upon themselves to charge us whatever the hell they want. All the more reason why we have to move.
• Speaking of moving...we have no idea how we're going to come up with the money to do that...if it happens at all it will be by God's grace.
• We eat out and go to the movies ENTIRELY too much. It was cool in the past because we felt like we deserved it...We've been through so much this week...we're not pregnant again this month....I've got to have surgery...let's go out to eat and see a movie!!

We are feeling crushed and under the gun...and this requires drastic measures..

• My husband won't admit that handling the finances can be overwhelming. He likes to believe that he can handle it all. He doesn't need any help because he's the MAN. But, he's not as on top of the bills as I would like so every pay period we've started to sit down together and go through the bills one by one. I think it makes him feel less alone (which he'll never admit), makes me feel more involved and gives me some peace of mind. I may not have a job but I can be CFO of this family.

• We're putting a stop to our relentless eating out/movie cycle and shaved it down to once a month, or not at all, depending on what's due.

• I've got to be smarter with shopping for food. I've started investing in buying family packs of meat/chicken/fish so that our food can last a little longer and cooking in bulk as much as I can. This is very difficult because I can eat the same thing for dinner all week...El Hubster cannot and sometimes will not...I blame his mother for this because she loves, loves, loves, to make whatever you want for dinner...a different dinner...every night!

I wish there was more we could do...I wish we could win the lottery (even though we don't play)...I wish money would fall from the sky like manna from heaven....but it's unlikely. I recently started making my list of things for baby on Amazon and I am blown away at how much Little P is gonna cost us just to get the basics.

So like much of Europe....we're adopting austerity measures and hoping we come out debt free (and able to move) on the other side...and I really wanna have my STUFF together before Little P gets here.

Why It's Fun to Watch the Bachelorette with Your Husband

Last week, El Hubster and I sat down to have what I thought was gonna be a fairly boring night. All of our good shows are on hiatus so we've been pretty bored. I flipped through the channels for a while and then finally settled on watching the Bachelorette....I know, I know...why? I have very mixed feelings about this show. 

1. There has never been a Black or Latino Bachelor or Bachelorette despite the fact that, well...we exist in the world, are successful and want to find love (or fleeting fame) too.

2. Whenever there's a Black or Latino dating candidate they get eliminated in short order...but definitely NOT on the first night because who wants to be accused of being racist. Eventually they get around to it.

3. The sheer desperation of these dating candidates is astounding and hilarious. They will do/say ANYTHING to get that rose!

4. I think it minimizes/trivializes the very real problem of not being able to find a good man/woman to settle down with...but maybe that's the point. To take a very real fear, exaggerate it and render it innocuous.We live in such an antisocial social networking society (me included) that it's difficult to find love offline like folks used to do.

But all of my qualms about this show were set aside temporarily due to El Hubster's hilarious commentary while watching this show. I mean seriously, I should tape him and put it up as a post but unfortunately you can take the boy out of Washington Heights but you can't take Washington Heights out of the boy so I'm afraid that tape would be rated NC-17.

Anywho, here are some choice cuts I gathered while we watched the premiere episode:

"Is that her?  For real?"

"Look at that dude, tell me that dude ain't lame!"

"Why she wearing that dress? That's the wrong dress. She gon' fall and bust her ass."

"Awww..this dude is already asking to sleep with this chick...what a dirty ass *****"

"Look at that dude, he tried to dip her and she fell over the dress. That's a burger move. He out!"

"Oh, here come the Black dude....he gon' be out soon."

"This dude done brought his kid to meet this chick...that's a low blow."

"Look at this Army dude...she ain't gon pick you in the end. That dude is owned by the U S of A for the next few years. They gon get together and that dude gon get shipped to Libya."

"Oh look, she finally put that nasty dude out...shoulda done that from jump."

"Don't that dude look strange to you? His eyes are too close together. That facial hair ain't working fo ya pawtna."

While watching the recap for the upcoming season....

"Why they crying so much? That's not normal. Ain't no real man be crying all the time like that."

"I wonder what episode they kick off the Black guy."

"They really crying over THIS chick?? She ain't even all that! She ain't even got no ASS!"

"So, she be kissing ALL these dudes....that's nasty.."

P.S. Coming up this week a fun post about how much debt we're in!!

P.P.S. Are you SEEING all these tornadoes in OK!!?? Crazy

7 weeks!! Little P Lives!!!

 

El Hubster and I just got back from our last visit with SuperDoc :-( We were so blessed to see our Little P on the screen...LIVE and DIRECT with a heartbeat measuring within range at 115bpm....swoon. This is the first heartbeat we have ever heard and the sound was better than any other sound that exists. Seriously.

El Hubster was practically stunned into silence and I fell in love with our little blip on the screen. Stick around Little P, stick around! We LOVE you!

Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord!

Now I'm off to drink water (which I hate but am forcing myself to drink) and sleep.

Hanging In There

I'm getting seriously impatient about my first ultrasound. I can't believe I have to wait until the 28th to see if Little P is actually in there.



I've been so lax with this blog since we found out the news and I'm trying to figure out why...I think it's because I'm sort of in limbo right now. I feel like I'm moving forward but doing so in really thick oatmeal or molasses. It simply won't be real until I can see it with my own eyes and/or am throwing up my life in the toilet...and I don't want to put my negative energy out here in cyberspace...

Random Thoughts

1. I'm really hungry..mostly for baked potatoes with butter, salt and sour cream and anything Jamaican

2. I'm tired...like all the time

3. I'm really tired of the way CNN sensationalizes disasters

4. I have no interest in award shows anymore...

5. I miss Scandal already

6. I hate when white folk move to foreign countries and say they want to live "in the community" but really they just wanna live among people who look like them...is that annoying to anyone else??

7. El Hubster and I have not been intimate since we got back from Canada....and I'm ok with it. I have absolutely NO sex drive right now. Zero, zip, ZILCH!

8. I was watching a lifetime movie last week and bawled my eyes out like somebody killed my cat...I mean UGLY crying

9. I'm angry with El Hubster for one infraction or another most of the time but I have absolutely no reason to be....hormones??

10. It's been almost a year since I got my masters degree and I still have not scheduled my licensing exam...really feeling like my life goals are on hold right now...I gotta get on that..starting tomorrow

Cautiously Optimistic

ipotter.com

El Hubster and I got the best news we could have possibly gotten a week ago...we're expecting!! I gotta say I'm in a weird emotional space. I had a few days of astonished happiness and then my anxiety took over. I started to guard myself against the pain I've felt twice before. The "what if's" were in full attack mode and I had no defense.

I've been going back and forth in my mind...trying to be cautiously optimistic and secretly talking with Little P every chance I get. I'm about 4 weeks , 5 days preggers today but I don't feel pregnant. I've read this is the crazymaking time for early pregnancies....that gray area between first finding out and when morning sickness hits. In a weird way, I actually think morning sickness would be comforting because then I would know it was real.

I'm in an ambiguous fog. I so want to start bonding with Little P but I'm so scared that he/she won't stick around and I'll be devastated. This is the curse of infertility and loss. I'm fighting every day to overcome it and trying to find solace in my ravenous hunger (I could eat before but now I can really eat!!), mood swings and exhaustion.

Mother's Day has come and gone and except for scrolling through several annoying Facebook posts, I emerged unscathed. This holiday is not one of my favorites I'll admit. Besides the fact that it's completely manufactured to keep the economy going (I read somewhere that Mother's Day alone is the fifth largest money spending holiday in the billions), It also brings up feelings of loss, sadness and frustration for so many who have yet to become mothers, have recently lost their mothers, were mothers once and are no more, or for women like me who yearn for distant, mentally ill mothers. It's usually a day of mourning for me; mourning the childhood and the mother I didn't have. Mourning past Mother's Days when I would spend weeks thinking of what to do for my mother, what to give my mother, only to get a lukewarm response at best.

And now years later, it brings up thoughts of the mother I have no connection with and the babies that could have been. I'm learning as the years go by that it isn't healthy to hide from pain and past hurts. They are wounds that must be cleaned, irrigated, allowed to breathe and eventually stitched up.

I was so grateful this past Sunday to hear that our Pastor's sermon focused more on healing the hurt from the loss of the mother ideal. In my darkest hours, I truly felt God was punishing me with infertility because I dared to shatter and speak out about my lack of mothering. I've gotten past this notion. It hurt ten times more to keep up the facade than to tell the truth and break free.

I was grateful this past Mother's Day for all the surrogate mothers I've had in my life. My strong grandmother who told me weeks before she died that she firmly believed I would be successful in life, countless teachers who have sensed my mother loss and encouraged me all through my school years and an excellent mother-in-law who I have yet to fully appreciate because I don't know how.

I have to count it all joy because the loss of my own mother has made me a fierce nurturer, a mothering warrior, up to the task ahead... or so I keep telling myself.

Blame Canada!

El Hubster and I are back from a wonderful trip to the mountains of Quebec. We stayed at a B & B near the Mt. Tremblant Ski Resort. I'll say this...it was really hot in Canada..like June hot. The heat worked out well for us though because we got to hike and walk trails and we weren't freezing our butts off.

 

We saw so many cool sites during our stay, this was taken on the road to our B & B, right off of Lake Tremblant. 

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There's the B & B owner Pierre (Yes, that really is his name!) riding to the gym. He and his wife Sylvie made us yummy food every morning.

This is the awesome waterfall down the street from the B & B...can you imagine? "Oh yeah, that's just the waterfall at the end of my block"...at this point I wanted to move there...sigh

We walked up Mt. Tremblant as far as the South Base and were rewarded with another lovely waterfall which El Hubster just had to explore...

I had my stern face on while I took this picture!

Halfway up we were greeted with this sign...warning us to watch out for BEARS!! We really must be fearless because we kept going up!

That night we ate "downtown"..I put downtown in quotes because it really was just 2-3 blocks. Above is the WORST Mexican food we have ever had...I guess the French aren't down with the cuisine...Honestly, most of the food we ate was TERRIBLE!

We killed time by playing pool in the village...which we totally sucked at...totally. But it was so much FUN.

 

This is FoFo, one of the owners' dogs who very kindly kept us company while we played French Scrabble...

This was taken about 5 miles into our 10 mile hike...we were pretty sure a bear would come out and eat us any minute...

This is a rolling river we came across about ten minutes later...

So, we saw some pretty cool things, were out in nature (which we love), hiked 1/4 of the way up a 2,870 ft mountain, walked a 10-mile trail through the forest, slept A LOT, ate some pretty bad food but by far the most interesting thing we saw before we left Canada was this...

Yep!!! We did it!!! We're having a Little P! We are beyond thrilled and so grateful to God for answered prayer...Stick around Little P....look how adventurous and fun your parents are!