Goodbye, Little P

I had a strange sense of deja vu sitting in the ER. I knew it wouldn't end well and it didn't.

I started cramping with light bleeding on Friday evening. I was getting ready to go out with a group of friends and I wanted to just ignore it. I was so tired of being scared. So tired of being afraid to move the wrong way or eat the wrong thing.

In the end I went to the ER and El Hubster drove like a madman home and met me there. We sat on that hospital bed, looked at the ultrasound screen and knew. That little blur in the upper left hand corner was not our baby. Our baby was gone. The doctor started to explain that the ultrasound machine wasn't as sophisticated in the ER but we knew.  I felt like she was a character in one of this old Charlie Brown cartoons...all that came out was bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah, bwah. She set us up to get an ultrasound from the radiology department, they drew blood, hooked me up to an IV and all along we knew.

We left AMA at 11:30pm, feeling like refugees in a foreign land. I sat like a zombie on the couch while El Hubster got rid of every physical sign of babyness in the apt. I was so completely out of it and in so much emotional pain.

I'm grateful for him. So grateful. We cried holding each other on the couch yesterday, then watched a marathon of one of our favorite shows, ate whatever we wanted, doctored our McDonalds fruit coolatas with rum, laughed and cried some more. We check in with each other.

How are you doing? Meh......
How are you doing?I feel numb.
I love you...
I love you too...

I cry at everything and nothing. At odd times. Out of the blue. I woke up with tears in my eyes wondering if the past three months have all been a dream. I have lost a baby every year since we've been married. I felt like such a failure. My rational mind says there's nothing I could have done; my heart and soul are not trying to hear that. They need something to blame and I can't provide anything. I feel robbed of future joy if that makes any sense. I will never be this excited about a pregnancy again. I know that. I will always be steeling myself, waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have to come to terms with that reality too.

I'm so glad I never left the message boards, so glad I started this blog, so glad to have met such a good man who knows what to do when I want nothing to do with anything. It makes it easier to cope.

I'm grateful to God. I'm angry with God. I think He can handle it.

So, I'm gonna keep writing, keep moving, because if I don't I fear I will never recover.

I believe in the promise. I believe in miracles.

12/11/11, 9/5/12, 6/28/13 We love you and we miss you!