Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Knitting for Fear and Anxiety

I've taken a very small step toward affirming Little P today. I went to church this past Sunday after not being able to go for the past few weeks. I love going to church because it totally reaffirms my Faith every Sunday.

Reaffirming Faith is important because Faith and Trust are not easy concepts for me. I battle my anxiety over this pregnancy every day, every hour, every minute. I vacillate between knowing Little P is OK and wondering if Little P is OK. It's maddening. So that's why I need church. It resets my mind and tunes it back toward positive feelings.

I'm one of those naturally suspicious types. The kind of person who meets someone for the first time and is already sizing up their motives for good or ill. I don't really like this about myself. I'm working on it but it's slow-going.

I grew up in a very unorthodox way. I was born three months premature and my mother, as time would show, wasn't really cut out for the whole motherhood thing. When you're a baby, it's hard to understand not seeing your mother for very extended periods of time. All I remember is being cared for by folks that were not my mother, being shuffled from house to house...a few months here...a few months there. These were good folks and I am blessed that I was molded and shaped by various aunts, babysitters and caretakers. One thing all that moving around did, however, was turn me into a pretty untrustworthy, independent child and adult. I learned early on that there was no permanency in life, that things always changed. So, when I came to Faith a few years ago it wasn't through a cool Bible study class or a dear friend who shared the gospel with me.

I came to Faith on my own, alone, in the woods.

It happened about five months into my first and only stint of unemployment. I left a pretty stable job where I was respected and thriving because I thought I needed to make more money. My vagabond spirit was being activated because I thought my good fortune was too good to be true. Anyway, three months into the job, I was fired. To say I wasn't pleased was an understatement and to this day I still don't know why. I may never know why and I'm okay with that now. But at the time it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I dove into my second bout with depression and became a very unlikeable, angry, sad person.

One day I got up the energy to go for a walk. There was a wild forest near my house and I gravitated toward it. Walking through that mess of trees and fallen leaves cleared my head somehow. I leaned against a tree that was twice my size and heard a voice. Yes, I know it sounds nuts but I swear I heard an inner voice. The voice asked me a very simple question: "Do you believe me when I tell you everything is going to be alright?" So, I was like, "Yes, I believe you." Because what else do you say to a voice inside your head...

In that moment, a peace came over me and I knew that everything would be alright even though I couldn't see a way out of the dark.

I was suddenly aware of all my blessings. I wasn't alone. El Hubster and I were about two years into being my boyfriend and he stepped up and took care of me. I was getting an unemployment check every week, for goodness sake! We didn't want for anything. I was being provided for. Someone was looking out for me.

Coming to Faith couldn't have happened any other way for me. I was too skeptical, too pessimistic, too logical for my own good.

The next week I got a call to interview for a job that I applied for months before. I got that job, which was just a few blocks from my house! Nuts, just nuts! I stayed at that job for a year and applied to graduate school at the end of my time there.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes hardships and trials to reveal the path you should be on. I needed a course correction and God provided one.

Anywho, this post wasn't even supposed to be about me coming to faith! What I really wanted to say is that during that really horrible time in my life, I learned to knit! Knitting is perfect for me because it channels my anxiety. If you suffer from anxiety then you know what I'm talking about. I'm the type of person that benefits from distraction and knitting was perfect for that. It helps me zone out completely.

In an effort to calm my anxiety over Little P, I went to Michael's today, that den of wanton arts and crafts, and bought some yarn to knit a baby blanket. I needed to stop my mind from thinking the worst so I am manifesting a tangible symbol of Little P being here in 9 months---happy and healthy.

This was my inspiration:
But then I realized I wasn't that good! So, I'm going to just do a basic knit stitch the whole way through. It's not like Little P is gonna care that it isn't perfect. He/she won't even be able to see properly for the first week of its life.

I found a yarn that already had a mix of colors...yellow, white, and a minty turquoise. I had no idea that sort of thing existed so color me overjoyed :-) This is the beginning of my masterpiece.

And this is the mess I made of a perfectly good ball of yarn...which could also apply to this post.


  1. The spirit moved you to post your faith story, even when that's not what you started out to do. And it was a beautiful story!

    I taught myself to crochet after being inspired by a friend (well two stitches) last year both as an attempt to make money (Etsy) and to keep my hands busy. Ladybug wasn't sleeping well yet and ummm yeah. LOL

    Idle hands are a bad thing and you're right, staying busy and working toward a goal are good things.

    Very pretty yarn. Even after it um... lost itself.

  2. You know Bek...more and more I'm thinking that I was meant to share that story because I totally was trying to write about knitting. I've wanted to learn crochet as well, i probably will someday. Knitting for me is the best stress relief because while I'm doing it, I can't think about anything else. I love your last line!